Chapter 3

Chapter 3


"Save some face,
you know you've only got one.
Change your ways,
while your young"
- The Killers
*~~***~~*

They released me from the hospital two days later, after making sure that I was over my mild concussion. The guys were waiting when I walked out of the elevator and into the hospital lobby. Joel came straight to me, wrapping his arms around me and pecking me on the cheek. “Ready to go?” I noted that he didn’t include the word home. We had discussed all of our options last night before the nurse had kicked them out, insisting they sleep in an actual bed for a night. We had known it wouldn’t be long before the news leaked to the press. We were right. The guy who had stopped to help Benj had gone straight to the nearest newspaper office with his story. By the next day, it was all over the front pages, MTV, and the internet. The fans were shocked but unbelievably supportive. Joel’s mom had called earlier and told us that she was getting an overwhelming amount of mail for the band, from fans who wanted to share their condolences. When they had announced it on TRL the day after the accident, the entire audience had burst collectively into tears. One of the VJs had to be escorted off the set because she couldn’t collect herself. We were touched that everyone cared so deeply. Mrs. Madden even said there were letters addressed to me, telling me to hang in there, and telling me they shared my pain. I cried when she told me that over the phone. People cared about the band, of course, but about me?? No one had ever sent me fan mail before, even though I opened for Good Charlotte most of the time, and sang with them as well. We also got a lot of mail asking what the band was going to do next. Those, we didn’t think of as impersonal, they were just blown away by this tragedy and they were curious. We all were.

Joel had suggested we stop the tour, and go on some shows, like TRL, to show the fans that we weren’t forgetting about them. Billy had thought it would all be too much, too soon. Everyone was worried that I wouldn’t be able to take it. The vote split evenly, Paul siding with Joel and Chris with Billy. It came down to me. I knew what we had to do.

3 Weeks Later

The weeks passed by like a blur. I felt like all my happiness had been sucked out of me. There seemed to be nothing left to live for. Then I remembered the boys. Joel had drawn into his shell so much, becoming more shy than usual. He told me continuously that I was the only reason he held on. He confided everything in me, while he withdrew more and more from everyone else. The fifth night after we had gotten back on the tour bus, the curtain in my bunk was pulled back and I woke up to see Joel standing in the aisle in tears. “I had a bad dream,” he sounded like he was five years old and needed his mom again, “Can I sleep with you?” I nodded yes to him, and scooted over to make room for him in the bunk. He lay there facing me, and I slipped my arms around him, pulling him close to me. “I can’t believe he’s gone, Kate. I actually went to his bunk first, cuz he was always the one who comforted me when I got scared in the middle of the night. And then I realized that he was gone and it all hit me suddenly.” I wiped the tears off his cheeks. “Joel, you don’t have to be so strong, you know. He was your brother, your twin. You guys had a connection that he and I could never have. You haven’t really cried since that night in the hospital, have you?” He shook his head slowly. “Joel, don’t try and be so tough. You have a broken heart. I know you do. I do too. I loved him, Joel, more than I ever loved anything in this world. I feel like half my soul is missing. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel. I love you Joel, you know that, and I care about you so much. I know this is hard but we can make it.” He let out a sigh and I rubbed his back, trying to calm him down. “Katie, you’re all that keeps me holding on. I think about how much Benji loved you, and I know that you’re so special. I don’t know how I could make it if I lost you too.” I laid my head against his chest, “Well don’t worry about it, cuz I’m not going anywhere for a loooong time. You’re stuck with me forever.”

I smiled to myself as I remembered that night. Joel had always been there for me, and I was trying my best to be there for him. He hadn’t slept in his bunk since that night. I’d gotten used to waking up and feeling him beside me. He reminded me of Benji so damn much, though. I would find myself crying for no reason, just because his arms were around me, and they were so much like Benji’s. I tried to be strong, because it seemed like I was the only one on the bus who hadn’t lost it completely. Billy had given up video games. They reminded him too much of when he and Benj would play until the early hours of the morning. Paul had gone on a vegan strike to honor Benji. I was surprised he hadn’t cracked yet. That boy sure loved his cheeseburgers. Chris hadn’t said anything remotely funny since we’d left the hospital. He seemed moody and brooding and so unlike him. I was left to fill in the gaps, to remind Joel to wear clean socks, to scold Paul when he started drooling at cheeseburgers. But it all became automatic and forced. There was an empty hole where my heart had once been. Where Benj had once been. I was an empty shell of a person, trying to make Billy smile, holding Joel at night, comforting Chris. My actions and my thoughts just didn’t correspond. I was emotionless. I couldn’t do anything about it. Slowly I started coming back to the real world. I snapped out of it, so to speak. And I was determined to make everyone else do the same.