Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Gotta get my shit together,
cause this is dragging on and on.
And I can't wait around forever,
I'm starting to think he really might be gone"
- Bowling for Soup
*~~***~~*







I was leaning against the wall backstage, listening to the rhythmic chant of “Good Charlotte, Good Charlotte!” in the studio, and outside of it as well. The fans were excited to see us, because the band had dropped off the map after Benj’s death. There had been no more performances, no news, no official word from any of the band members. Reporters had plagued all our parents for weeks, and then given up when they realized that even our own families didn’t know where we were. The guys had decided I should be an official part of the band. We weren’t going to be doing much for a while though. I looked over to where Joel was leaning against the wall, the sleeves of his MADE hoodie pushed up to the elbows, his eyes closed. I leaned my head onto his shoulder, causing his eyes to fly open. He smiled when he saw it was me. I had been wearing nothing but Benji’s clothing lately. His stuff had all been in the bus, and I had pilfered all his unwashed t-shirts so I could keep the smell of him close to me, to remember him by. I was wearing one of his precious Rancid shirts today, which was barely visible underneath his MADE hoodie, one that matched Joel’s perfectly. He smiled as he took in my appearance. My hair was rumpled and my eyeliner was smudged, with tear marks running down my face as my memorial to Benji. But these tear marks were real and not drawn on. I had on a pair of Benj’s old Chuck Taylor’s and my own jeans. “Still wearing Benji’s clothes I see. Ew, you’re wearing his shoes? Those stink, man!” I punched him in the arm and giggled as he threw his arms around me and gave me puppy-dog eyes so I wouldn’t get mad at him. “Okay, okay, you’re off the hook…for now.” His grin grew even wider. We heard Damien announcing us, and I looked over to make sure the other guys were ready to do this. Billy gave me the thumbs up. Paul hastily tried to finish the cheeseburger he was devouring, and Chris stuck his tongue out at me. At least my attempts to drag the guys back to the land of the living had paid off. Joel grabbed my arm and steered me towards the door, we were on.

"Hey guys, welcome back to TRL. It’s great to see you again.” Damien was all smiles, but LaLa was looking teary again. “Yeah, it’s nice to be back again,” Joel admitted with a wave to the audience. “We are so sorry about your loss, and believe me, we’re all feeling it. But what we all want to know is, where have you guys been all this time?” I saw Billy scowl slightly at the question, and I glared at him to keep him from saying something he would regret later. I was the one who jumped in to answer, because I saw that Joel was close to tears. “Well, after the accident, we all took it really hard and we just knew we couldn’t continue the tour without Benj. So mainly we’ve been traveling around the country in our bus, just trying to cope with everything. But we’re going to be back soon, and we all appreciate your support. We loved your letters.” Damien nodded, hearing the pain in my voice. “As you all know, Katie is now an official member of the band. So, Katie, you sing? Do you play guitar too?” I put on my brave face, “Benji taught me how to play. I’m good, but I was never as good as he was. And I’m not trying to take his place, because no one can ever replace him, not in the band and not in our hearts. We’re just trying to continue doing what he would have wanted us to do, which is to make music.” The whole audience cheered, and the guys brightened slightly. “Okay, well we’re going to go to our commercial break. When we come back, more Good Charlotte, and of course, your countdown!"

Damien relaxed when the camera was off him and he went to Joel. “Are you okay man? Cuz you look like you might need a moment.” Joel bit his lip and nodded, before he crossed over to me and threw his arms around me. “Don’t cry Joel, be strong. For me, for the band, for the fans. For Benji. He’s watching over us, Joel, he knows how hard it is for us. You’ve got to be brave baby.” He lifted his head off my shoulder and pressed his forehead to mine. “Thanks Kate. How do you do that? How do you make me feel so much better when everything else is all going to hell? You don’t know how much I love you.” I wiped a tear off his face with my thumb. “I love you too Joel, now let’s go and get this over with.”

We headed back to the set, arm in arm. The 1 minute warning sounded. “Hey there, we’re back on TRL with Good Charlotte! Okay, so this question comes from a fan. When are you guys going to perform again? We all love you and miss you, and we want to hear this new sound they’ve been talking about.” Billy answered that one. “Well, Katie wrote a song the other day. It’s our dedication to Benj and we’re gonna play it live, here on TRL, right now.”

The crowd cheered, and Damien ushered us over to where the instruments were set up. Everyone was cheering like crazy as Joel and I sat down on the stools. I picked up the guitar and strummed a chord. I fixed my microphone so I could sing into it and watched Joel close his eyes before grabbing his mike. My fingers found the familiar notes that I had practiced so hard, over and over, until they were second nature to me. My voice lifted as I sang. “Memories of you and me, of all we used to be, they are haunting me, they are haunting me. I still feel your warm embrace, your fingers running down my face, remembering your taste, remembering your taste. I cried until I felt I’d run out of room to breathe, room to breathe.” Joel joined in on the chorus. “The day I lost you, the world stopped turning. But the fire in my heart is still burning. And nothing can erase, the memories I trace, back to you. Back to you. I know you’re watching me, in everything I see, in all I want to be, all I want to be. With you the world seemed right, never had a lonely night, wrapped in your arms so tight, your arms so tight. I cried until I felt I’d run out of room to breathe, room to breathe. The day I lost you, the world stopped turning. But the fire in my heart is still burning. And nothing can erase, the memories I trace, back to you. Back to you.” My voice soared as I flew into the bridge, Joel’s voice matching mine effortlessly, just lower. “I never had the chance to tell you, everything, I wish I said. And now the memories of words I never spilt, just groan inside my head. The day I lost you, the world stopped turning. But the fire in my heart is still burning. And nothing can erase, the memories I trace, back to you. Back to you. Back to…you…” Our voices faded out in unison and I played the last haunting guitar chord. The crowd cheered, and I noticed tears on many of their faces. “Yeah, well that was Good Charlotte with Back to You!! A TRL exclusive! We didn’t even know they were gonna do that! Alright guys that’s all we’ve got for you today, but tune in tomorrow for more of your favorite videos!” We all breathed a sigh of relief, and I felt my tears pressing at my eyelids as I shut them tight. I felt strong arms around me, arms I knew from memory. But it couldn’t be, and I knew it. It would never be again.