Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"And you said,
you can't change the way you feel,
and i could never do that.
But you can't tell me this ain't real,
cuz this is real,
and you would see right through that"
- Good Charlotte
*~~***~~*







I woke up in the middle of the night crying. The memory had been so real, like it wasn’t a dream at all but that it was actually happening. It had been that day at the beach all over again. I remembered Benj kissing me goodbye, remembered the slam of the hotel door, and there were other foggy images floating in and out of my brain. A police officer in the doorway, my own voice screaming, the sound of wailing sirens. And then there was the ocean, and I watched as my whole life drifted off into the black and merciless seas. I felt a pair of arms latch tightly around me, and then my eyes flew open.

I was breathing heavily, chest heaving, and the tears rolled steadily down my cheeks. It had been 6 months since Benji’s death, but I’d never had a dream so vivid about him. “Katie, what’s wrong?” Joel’s concerned voice shocked me for a second, as I suddenly realized where I was. I turned over in the bunk to face him. “Joel, I had this terrible dream. It was awful.” I told him everything I’d seen and heard. He pulled me close and I nuzzled my head into his chest. “It’s okay, it’s alright. I’m here baby.” I snuggled in closer to him and felt his arms around me. The tears continued to fall, and he held me as I cried. The last thing I heard before I fell asleep was him whispering softly to me, “I love you Katie, and I’m never gonna let you go.”

When I woke up the next morning, neither of us had moved. Joel was still sleeping and I heard him talking in his sleep. “Katie…” I was a little shocked to hear my name coming from his lips in his sleep, but I wasn’t altogether surprised. I knew I had dreamed about him before and had probably muttered his name more than once while I slept. I shook him awake. “Joel, Joel, wake up!” He groaned and rolled over on top of me. “Joel! Hello?” I felt his hand flop onto my chest, “I know you’re awake, Joel. Don’t even try to fake it.” He laughed and pecked my cheek, “Good morning.” I smiled, “Yeah I bet it is for you, now. Enjoying this much?” He stuck his tongue out at me, “You bet I am.” I pushed at him, “You had better put that back where it belongs, mister. Now get off.” He rolled off me chuckling as he padded to the bathroom. I hopped out of the bunk after him and headed for the lounge area.

I saw Billy making something, “Hey, what’s for breakfast?” I asked as I went up behind him and threw my arms around his waist. He turned around and smiled. “Hey. Um, I’m thinking cereal, cuz I can’t cook. So, yeah, cereal.” I laughed and grabbed a bowl and spoon out of the cabinet. He handed me the box, and I smiled when I realized it was Cap’N Crunch, my favorite. I poured myself a bowl and sank into the couch to eat. He flopped down next to me with his own bowl. “So, what’s up with you and Joel?” I frowned at his question, “What do you mean by that Billy?” He put his spoon back in the bowl and studied me, “He hasn’t slept in his own bunk since that night. And you guys just seem so, inseparable.” I took another bite of cereal before answering, “He doesn’t sleep well sometimes, and sometimes I don’t sleep well. And we figure we’ll end up sharing a bed anyways. As for being inseparable, Benji was his twin you know, and I feel a connection to him that’s as deep as mine and Benj’s ever was.” He looked slightly surprised at my answer. “So do you love him, like you loved Benj?” I was taken aback by his question, “What are you getting at? You know I love Joel, you know that. And I love you guys too. But, like I loved Benj? He was my other half, Billy.” His eyes flashed, and I knew he knew that I was holding something back. “I know you love us, but are you in love with Joel? You said you guys have a connection as deep as the one you had with Benji. Do you want more with Joel?” I sighed. “I think I’ve always felt something for him. He’s always been my best friend, you know. You remember that night me and Benj broke up?? He was the one I ran to.” I closed my eyes as the memory washed over me.

“What are you talking about? You know I’d never cheat on you!” I couldn’t believe Benji had even suggested that I was fooling around behind his back. I guess I should have suspected he’d get this way. He was drunk and not thinking straight, and finding the note in my bag had sent him over the edge. It was an innocent note, from a close friend. But he thought otherwise and immediately started yelling at me about it. “How could you? How could you do this to me? You’ve been screwing around with some other guy!” I couldn’t make him stop and all I could do was try and stand my ground. The hand came out of nowhere, and I found myself on the floor, clutching the side of my face where he had hit me. “You hit me. You hit me? What the hell Benji? How could you? I thought you loved me. But you know what? We’re through!” I staggered to my feet and headed for the door. He stopped me, standing in my way before I could reach for the doorknob. “Running off to your other lover then, you little whore? Fine! I don’t need you!” He pushed past me as he went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. I felt a tear slowly make its way down my cheek, but I wiped it away and stepped out into the hallway, and right into Joel. “Hey, what’s going on? We could hear you guys fighting all the way downstairs. Are you crying? Katie what happened?” I threw my arms around him and sobbed, “He hit me Joel, and he accused me of cheating and I just broke up with him.” His arms clutched me tighter, “What? He hit you? Oh, Katie. Is he drunk?” I nodded. “He won’t remember any of this tomorrow. But you guys are broken up?” I nodded once more to confirm everything he had said. “You can stay in my room, come on.” I followed him down the hall and collapsed onto his bed. He lay down next to me and held me while I cried. When I was finished he wiped the tears from my cheeks and smiled at me. “It’ll be okay. You guys will work it out.” I snuggled against him. “Katie?” I turned my head so I could look at him. “I have something to admit to you. I’ve always had this little crush on you. And seeing you like this, it just kills me. I know you love my brother, but I can’t help but think…” I cut him off, pressing my finger to his lips. His eyes widened as I leaned in and brushed my lips against his. I had always wondered what it would be like to be with Joel, and now that he’d admitted to feeling the same, I figured why not. He kissed me hungrily, full of need and I kissed him back with a tinge of desperation. There was no need to talk it out, we just needed to get the urge out of our systems, and we did. He rolled over on top of me, his lips moving against mine. I felt his tongue brush over my bottom lip and I let out a sigh of contentment, opening my mouth to his. His hands gripped my hips; my hands ran through his hair. He moaned against my lips, pressing himself harder against me, letting me feel everything. He broke the kiss, staring deep into my eyes. Before I knew it, he was pulling my shirt over my head, and I was fumbling to yank his off as well. His hands were cold as they ran up my sides and up to the back of my bra, unhooking it and throwing it to the floor. He unzipped my jeans and wriggled them down my hips, letting me pull off his jeans as well. I was burning up as he slipped my underwear off and I yanked down his boxers. I knew that Benji wouldn’t remember our argument in the morning or why I was mad at him or even that we were broken up. If he found out about this, well, his cheating accusations would be correct I suppose. Guilt tugged at my mind, what was I doing? But the other side of my brain was giving in and I couldn’t stop myself, and I didn’t want to. Later we lay in each other’s arms, tired and sweaty, and I locked my eyes on his. “That wasn’t considered cheating was it?” He grinned at me, “I don’t think so, cuz you broke up with him, even if he doesn’t know it.” I pushed closer against him and fell asleep in his arms.

“Didn’t you guys get back together the next day?” Billy’s expression betrayed his true emotions, even if his face was as stoic as possible. I knew this information had sent him reeling. Joel and I had kept it a secret and never told a soul. “Yeah, they did.” I whirled around to see Joel leaning in the doorway. “How long have you been there?” He smiled. “Long enough to hear you tell Billy everything.” I paled a bit, “You’re not mad are you?” He laughed, “Nah, it’s not like I kept my crush on you a secret. The guys always knew it, even if I tried to hide it. I think Benj knew it too. That’s why he was so eager to make things right the day after all that. He thought I’d swoop in and sweep you off your feet.” I patted the couch beside me, motioning to him to sit down, “You did, that night. I never told you, but since then, there was always a part of me with you. No matter what I did. I knew I loved Benji, but I loved you too. I didn’t want to push it though, ruin our friendship. And I knew it would kill me to hide more from Benji, and it would have killed him if I left him for you.” He sank down onto the couch next to me. “So I’m allowed to do this then?” He leaned in and kissed me. I was taken aback a bit, but I kissed him back. We broke the kiss and I smiled at him. “Yeah, you are, I guess. I don’t have to hide my feelings anymore then? Good, cuz I love you Joel. And I love you as more than a friend. But promise me you’ll never leave me. I don’t know how I could survive if I lost you too.” He pulled me close to him. “I’ll never go away. I promised Benj I’d take care of you if anything ever happened to him. And I will.”