Chapter 11

Chapter 11:

“Cause I'm here,
ready to take it all here
Everything's feeling unclear
I wish it was raining
Cause I hate every beautiful day”
– Sugarcult
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I stared down at the test in my hand. This couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t. I let my head drop down into my hands, and the test clattered to the floor. It had been 3 months since we’d opened the tour, and we were currently overseas, in Paris, the city of love. For the last few months I’d been having terrible mood swings, and ending up in the bathroom every few minutes, with my head hung over into the toilet. I tried to hide it as best as I could from everyone else, it was just the flu, it would pass. But after weeks and weeks of feeling the same, I went to the drugstore and bought a pregnancy test. Oh shit. It was positive. This was going to be so hard to tell Joel. Especially since I didn’t know whether it was his. I had to keep this a secret, from everyone, at least until I started showing, which wouldn’t be for another few months. If they noticed that I was gaining a bit of weight, oh well. No one could find out.

I threw the test in the toilet, after having broken it in two and wrapped it in several sheets of toilet paper that I had carefully smeared some red lip gloss on. No one would want to check it, thinking that it was a used “feminine product”. On a bus full of boys, that was definitely something that was not discussed. I wiped the tears out of my eyes and checked my reflection in the mirror. God, I looked like shit. I grabbed my makeup case from under the counter and started reapplying everything. A few minutes later, I looked fresh and relaxed, like I’d never even cried at all. I smiled sadly at my reflection and headed out into the bus.

“Hey babe, c’mere a sec.” I plopped down in Joel’s lap and he nuzzled my neck. “What’s up with you lately? You seem…spacey.” Billy looked up from his video game, “And moody.” Paul popped his head round the corner, “And bitchy.” Chris yelled from the back of the bus, “And crazy!” I laughed. “Sorry. Have I really been acting like that?” They all nodded. “I’m sorry, I’m just…under the weather, I guess.” Joel was scrutinizing me, searching my eyes for any sense of what was really going on. I turned away from him and slid to the floor to challenge Billy to a round on the good ole Playstation. Joel knew I was avoiding telling him something, he just didn’t know what. And, thank God, he had no clue. This was a big thing; it was going to change our lives forever. I need to tell him, I realized as I maneuvered my character on the television screen. Alright, tonight then, when the time is right. When we’re alone. Billy crowed happily as he won yet another game and I let the controller drop to the floor. “Alright, I give up. You are the master of the universe.” I bowed to him and then fell on the floor in hysterical laughter, causing him to do the same and fall on top of me. “Yay! Dogpile!” Paul jumped on top of us from the doorway and we both groaned. “God, you guys weigh a ton! Ow!” I complained loudly, and then there was a whump as both Joel and Chris joined in. We all cracked up. “Hey, whose ass is in my face? Ew, Chris that’s disgusting! Move it!” I felt Billy elbow me in the ribs and I rolled over on top of him and started tickling him under the arms. “Hey, cut it out!” He squealed and tried to escape me, but I was too strong for him. “Muahaha, I’ve got you now.” I pushed my way out of the pile eventually, and collapsed into a chair. “Wow, you all are crazy. I’m going to the store to get some things, I’ll be back.” I grabbed my keys off the table and headed out to the rented SUV we had for the time being. “Katie! Wait up!” I turned to see Paul jogging across the parking lot towards me. “I have the munchies, like majorly, so can I come with?” I nodded and unlocked the car, heading over to the driver’s side.

We were driving down the road, with Garbage’s new single blaring from the speakers. “Why do you love me? Why do you love me? Why do you love me? It’s driving me crazy!” I was singing at the top of my lungs. Paul laughed before joining in, and then he got serious as soon as the song ended. He turned the radio off. “Katie…what’s really going on with you lately? You’re moody all the time, you’re sick, you look like you’ve gained a bit of weight, and…” He trailed off and a look of realization came into his eyes. Crap. “Katie, are you pregnant?” I nodded, tears coming to my eyes unbidden. “That’s awesome! Oh my God, I’m so happy for you and Joel!” I kept my eyes on the road, silent. “Katie? Oh shit. He doesn’t know, does he?” I shook my head and pulled us into a parking lot in front of the local Walmart. I let my head drop down onto the steering wheel. “Katie? You wanna talk about it?” I shook my head again. “I’m here for you, you know. Anything you say…I’ll keep it a secret. I’m good at keeping secrets.” I smiled weakly at him. “What do you need to know?” He took my hand in his, “Why haven’t you told Joel?” I looked down at the steering wheel, studying it intently. “Katie?” I felt a tear roll down my cheek. “Because I don’t know if it’s his.” We sat there in absolute silence for a few minutes. He was shocked. “What? Who? When?” I looked up and met his eyes, which held a mixture of pain and betrayal. “3 months ago, at that first show, while you guys were all hanging out in the opening bands’ dressing room.” A sudden knowledge rushed into his eyes. “Holy crap! It was Pierre, wasn’t it? I should have known. He left the room a couple minutes after you did, but I guess none of us put two and two together. I can’t believe you would go and do that to Joel. With him!” I took his hand in mine, but he pulled it away as if he’d been burnt by a hot iron. “I wasn’t planning on it, Paul, believe me. But you know how it is, when you’re in the heat of the moment, and you can’t…you can’t stop yourself, and…it was wrong, I was wrong, I know it. But I couldn’t stop, I just, oh God, I’m a terrible person.” His eyes widened. “Katie, stop. What happened, happened, and you can’t go back and change that, even if it was wrong. But, you need to tell Joel, about the baby, and about how it might not be his. He’ll stick with you either way, you know that. It wont matter to him whether it’s his or not, he’ll stay with you. It’s what Benj would have done.” I threw my arms around him. “Paul, I’m so glad to hear you say that. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not a skank. I’m so sorry I did what I did, and I wish I could take it back, I really do, but I can’t. Thank you for understanding.” He held me while the tears fell, and we sat in silence for a long while.
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“How can we fake this anymore
Turn our backs away,
and chose to just ignore
Some say it's ignorance
It makes me feel some innocence
It takes away a part of me
But I won't let go”
– Sum 41
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We headed into Walmart like 20 minutes after our conversation in the parking lot. We split up and headed our separate ways. I made a beeline for the clothing section to grab some jeans a few sizes larger than mine and some new shirts before heading for the electronics department to get the new Garbage CD. Then I dropped into the toy department to see if there were any new ponies. There were. I grabbed the ones I didn’t have yet and went for the cash register to meet up with Paul, who had his arms full of snacks. “You better keep those away from me, I don’t want to gain too much weight during this pregnancy,” I joked. He laughed and took my things, placing them on the conveyor belt. “It’s on me.” I smiled, “Thanks.”

We got back to the bus just in time to see a small blonde girl leaving it. She shouted “hey!” from across the parking lot. Paul and I both cringed. Her again. “Hi Hilary. How are you?” I put on my fake happy smile face and tried not to shrink away as she threw her arms around me. “O-M-G I am fine! You look terrific, as always. I was just having a nice conversation with Joel. He told me about you two. I’m happy for you!” She was squealing in a very fakey sort of way. I grinned, trying to hide my grimace. “Thanks, well, we have to go now. So…we’ll see you around.” I pushed past her and headed for the bus door. Hilary turned around and squeaked “Have a nice tooooooooooour…” I turned to Paul and made a gagging motion as she sashayed off. “Ugh, I can’t stand her! Why does she keep following us around? She knows it’s soooooo over between her and Joel!” Paul just nodded, “Don’t worry about it. She’ll buzz off eventually. She knows Joel doesn’t want her skanky ass around anymore.”

We headed into the bus. Joel was sitting on his bunk with his legs dangling over the edge. “Hey babe what’s up?” He leaned farther over into the aisle. “Is she gone?” I nodded, “Yep. Still stalking you huh?” He punched me in the arm. “It’s not funny.” I climbed up and sat next to him. “Of course it’s not honey. I agree with you totally.” He pushed me again and I fell off the bunk and into Paul’s arms. “Thank god you were standing there. You coulda killed me Joel!” Paul mumbled under his breath, something that sounded like, Yeah and the baby too. I glared at him and he glared back, mouthing at me, tell him now. I sighed and pulled myself back up into the bunk. “Hey I got something to tell you.” He leaned back on the bunk, “Good or bad?” I lay down next to him, “A bit of both actually.” He grinned, “They run out of ponies at Walmart?” I tackled him. “I’ll get you for that!” He just smiled and ducked my punches. “Alright, totally serious. What’s up?” I took his hand in mine. “Um, I don’t know how you’re gonna take this, but…I’m pregnant.” His jaw dropped. “Baby! That’s great! Oh my gosh. How could you think that’s bad news? Hey Billy, Chris, Paul…I’m gonna be a father!” Immediately the guys came rushing over to the bunk, slapping high fives all around and yelling, happy as all get out. “Joel? That’s not all I have to tell you.” He turned around, “What? You having twins?” He cracked up. I pulled him into the bunk and shut the curtains. “Go away you guys!” They rustled off. “Joel…I…I don’t know…if the baby’s yours.” He looked like I had just slapped him in the face. “What? But…whose could it be?” Then comprehension came over his face. “I’ll kill him. I’ll kill him!!!” He jumped out of the bunk and went tearing out the door. “Joel! No! What are you doing?” I scampered down the ladder as fast as I could go and leaped out the door after him, just in time to see him storming onto Simple Plan’s tour bus. “Joel!” I reached the door just in time to see him pull Pierre out of his bunk and throw him to the floor. “You bastard! How dare you? How DARE you? Haven’t we all been through enough? Asshole! Answer me!” I rushed over and tried desperately to pull him off, but one of his fists flailed out and hit me. I fell down, clattering against the table. Sebastian caught me, but barely. “Whoa! Joel! Calm down man. Don’t you see what you just did to your girlfriend?” Joel let go of Pierre and saw me laying, dazed, on the ground in Sebastian’s arms. “Oh shit. Katie? Are you okay? Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” I was blinking out, I couldn’t keep anything straight. “Katie?” Joel’s voice sounded like it was coming from way up in the clouds. I felt like I was underwater. “Katie?” I blanked out.