Chapter 7
"And i know i'm buried too far down
To feel the warmth from the sun again"
- Story of the Year
*~~***~~*
It’s funny how easily memories can overtake me when I’m dreaming. I had constantly pushed them away from me as much as possible, so I wouldn’t hurt so much anymore. But there was no resistance that night as I slept, and the memories that hurt the most came rushing up at me. I remembered back to a time when Benj had saved my life. It had been back when we were a lot younger, our senior year of high school. We’d professed our love for each other the year before and been inseparable ever since. The school year had been going okay. We were all so psyched about graduating and getting out of Waldorf, finally. Then my sister was kidnapped.
Annabelle was my best friend. She was two years younger than me, and it was amazing how alike we were. She looked just like me, so no one ever had to ask whether we were related or not. She hung out with me, Benj, Paul, Joel and Billy all the time. In fact, she had even dated Billy at one point in time. She was kidnapped on a Monday. She was outside listening to music and singing along. I kept an ear out, making sure she was alright as I vacuumed the front hallway. So the muffled scream reached my ears easily. “Anna!” My heart raced with fear as I jumped over the stairs and sped down to the end of the walkway. A man, dressed all in black and wearing a ski mask was holding a gun to Anna’s head. “Katie! Help!” She had tears running down her face, and she stretched her arms out, pleading. The man turned the gun towards me, “Get back!” I realized there was only one man, and I hoped I could somehow save Anna. I tried my best to distract him, “Okay, can we discuss this rationally? Tell me what you want from us.” Anna backed off slowly while the man was focused on me. She turned and ran for it, around the back of the house. The man cursed, “I can see you’re going to make this difficult. Can’t just keep your mouth shut and mind your business, can you?” I backed off, then when he lowered the gun, I kicked at his hand, sending the gun flying. He recovered way too quickly, punching me in the side of the head. Then the world went black.
When I came to hours later, I was laying in my own bed, an ice pack on my head and Benji lying next to me. “Hey there sweetie. How ya feelin’?” I sat up and grimaced when my head swam. Benji reached out and steadied me, pulling me back down next to him. I had remembered. “Benj, where’s Anna? Is she safe? What happened?” He ran his hand slowly through his hair. “Baby, he got away. He took Anna. But they have people everywhere searching for her.” I blinked back tears. “No…no! Not Anna! Why couldn’t I save her?” I sobbed into Benji’s t-shirt. He held me as my heart broke for the first time, but not the last. The whole week went by in a blur. I stayed home from school, and Benj skipped school that whole week so he could “watch over me” as he put it. He didn’t want me trying to hurt myself. We talked all day long. About life, and love. About Anna, school, anything that came into our heads. I fell asleep every night with Benji’s arms around me and woke up to his peaceful sleeping face. I was pure bliss. Then my world came crashing down around me.
Friday, the police showed up at my door. They’d found Anna’s body in the trunk of the kidnapper’s car. Her kidnapper was nowhere in sight. The scratches on her suggested she definitely hadn’t gone without a fight. Still, I was inconsolable. I burst into fresh tears, feeling Benji’s arms go around me. I looked up at him, and realized he was crying too. Anna had been a part of his life as well. After the cops left, I locked myself in the bathroom to take a shower. I pulled my razor blade out of the medicine cabinet and climbed into the shower. I drew lines across my upper thighs, where no one would see them. I let the blood wash off in the warm water of the shower, stinging my fresh cuts. I finished washing off in the shower and popped out, drying myself off. I jumped when I saw Benji leaning in the doorway. “How long have you been standing there?” I questioned. “Long enough to watch you get all soapy and wet, and then towel off,” I giggled and punched him in the arm, “You are a sick, sick boy, Benj.” I pressed a kiss against his nose ring, and pushed past him to my room to get dressed.
My sister’s funeral was the next day. I made sure my dress was long enough to cover my cuts. Benj even wore a suit. It was all too much for me to bear, even with Benji by my side. The tears came unbidden. I had to leave in the middle of the funeral. I got back to my house, and I just felt so empty. My sister, my best friend, was gone. I felt a part of my withering away without her. I knew what I had to do. I wrote the letter quickly, signed it, and headed into the bathroom before I could chicken out. I took the razorblades and began my task. I drew the blade across my wrists slowly, watching the blood pump out of me with each heartbeat. The blade slipped out of my grasp and I crumpled to the ground. I heard Benji yell out my name and felt him pick me up, before I lost consciousness.
I woke up with my wrists bandaged, hooked up to IVs and blood transfusion machines. Benj noticed I was awake and rushed to my side. “You’re awake. Thank god. You scared me so much baby.” I smiled weakly. “I’m sorry.” He sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “I know what you’re going through. Dad left just a year ago, and I still feel the pain. So does Joel. We just handle things differently. I drink to numb the pain. You cut. Joel writes. Me and you, we need to change. It isn’t healthy, the way we deal. We need to be more like Joel. That’s what I’ve been trying to do lately, write, and just let it all out. So, I wrote you a song.” He picked up his guitar and sat down in the chair to play. I was rather surprised by this, “You wrote me a song?” He nodded, and began picking out the chords on his guitar. I watched him as he began to sing.
“This world, this world is cold. But you don’t, you don’t have to go. You’re feeling sad, you’re feeling lonely, and no one seems to care. Your mother’s gone and your father hits you, this pain you cannot bear.” Tears sprang to my eyes, and I smiled despite them. He knew me so well. “But we all bleed the same way as you do, and we all have the same things to go through…Hold on, if you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know. Your days, you say they’re way too long. And your nights, you can’t sleep at all…hold on.” I wiped my cheek. “And you’re not sure what you’re looking for, but you don’t want to no more. And you’re not sure what you’re waiting for, but you don’t want to no more. But we all bleed the same way as you do, and we all have the same things to go through. Hold on, if you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know. Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer, don’t stop searching, it’s not over. Hold on.” I sighed and closed my eyes. What had I done? “What are you looking for? What are you waiting for? Do you know what you’re doing to me? Go ahead…what are you waiting for? Hold on, if you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know. Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer, don’t stop searching, it’s not over. Hold on.” When he had finished, he put the guitar down and I threw my arms around him. “Oh Benj, that song was beautiful. I’m so sorry. So sorry. I don’t want to hurt you anymore; I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I love you. I need to stay living. I’m gonna hold on Benj.” He held me and let me know he understood. “I’m glad to hear you say that.”
Benj never wanted to record that song. He said it was a private song, meant just for me. But after the success of their first album, the boys finally convinced him to let them record the song for their second CD. So many kids had written letters to them, telling them how Good Charlotte’s music had saved their lives. They wanted to show the kids they were there for them, and help anyone contemplating suicide. So Benj relented and “Hold On” was recorded on The Young and the Hopeless CD, and it sparked an outpouring of even more letters. Good Charlotte was these kids’ motivation for living. Mine was Benji.
I felt the memory dissolve, leaving me with nothing but traces of what had been. I realized I was crying, but I didn’t want anyone else to realize it. I didn’t want comfort right now; I just wanted to deal with my emotions on my own. I got up slowly, sliding out from under Joel’s arm and walking silently to the back of the bus. I collapsed on the couch with my legs curled under me. I just sat there in the darkness and let my thoughts crash against each other like waves in the sea. I didn’t realize he was standing there until he cleared his throat. I looked up. “Hey Paul. You couldn’t sleep either?” He shook his head slowly and sat down next to me, “I was thinking.” I studied him in the dark, “Well that’s a very dangerous thing to do. Be careful or you’ll hurt yourself.” He laughed and then composed himself, “No, seriously, I was thinking. About the future of our band.” I rested my chin in my hand and motioned for him to continue. “I just don’t know if I can go on without Benji. I know we have been, going on those shows and other things, singing here and there. But can we ever really be what we once were? I was listening to our last CD and I just started crying when I heard Wounded. I can’t do this.” I reached out and put my arm around him, “I understand what you’re going through Paul, we all do. We’ve all lost someone we dearly care about. You know how deeply I loved Benj. And what about Joel? He lost his twin. Not just his friend, his own life and blood. But we’re dealing, and we’re all gonna be fine.” He sagged against my shoulder, “I know. But it’s hard.” I ran my hand through his hair, “It’s okay, we’re here for you. You can talk to me whenever you want to.” I looked down and realized he had fallen asleep while I was talking. I smiled to myself and rested my head on top of his, letting myself go back to sleep.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Chapter 6
Chapter 6
"Everytime I see your face,
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place,
And everything feels right"
- Simple Plan
*~~***~~*
I just needed some time by myself, time to think things out and figure where my life was going. So when the bus stopped for the night, I told the guys I’d be back in a few minutes, grabbed my hoodie, and stepped out into the chilly night. I sat on a bench a little ways away from the bus, and watched as Joel peered anxiously out the window, trying to make sure I was okay. He couldn’t see me in the dark, and I knew he was worried. Billy pulled him away from the window and I knew he had roped him into playing some video game. I sat there with my head in my hands, trying to get a hold of myself and my situation. It had been half a year since Benji’s death, and I had just confessed my love for Joel. I felt like I was betraying both of them. A part of my heart was buried along with Benj, so I could never give myself completely to Joel. And did I want to? Benji would have wanted me to move on, to find someone who would love me with all his heart, just like he had. But how would he feel about me being with his twin? If he were still alive, well then none of this would have happened. God, I should have been with him that night. What was I thinking? The tears slipped steadily from my eyes. Why? Why was my life destined to fall down around me? Why did everyone I loved disappear from my life? Was I cursed? I was full out sobbing now, and I remembered the day when Benj and I had first proclaimed our love for each other, in a place not unlike this one, on a night not unlike this.
It was cold, so cold. I was snuggled under my comforter, trying to get warm, when I heard the tap of rocks hitting my window. I got out of bed, shivering, and opened the blinds to view Benji sitting on the roof right outside. “Oh my God Benj, don’t do that! You scared the crap out of me!” He laughed, “Come on; let’s go, before someone wakes up.” I opened the window, “Let me get some clothes on, gees, I’m in my pajamas.” He grinned lopsidedly, “It’s not such a bad view.” I slapped him on the shoulder and pulled the blinds down again, leaving the window open, before stepping to the closet and grabbing jeans, a bra, and a hoodie. I yanked my pajamas off and pulled the clothes on as quickly as possible. I heard chuckling, and I turned around. Benji had opened the blinds and was watching me. “Why did I even bother pulling them down? Perv!” He just laughed at me, and grabbed me by the hand, helping me out onto the roof. He scrambled down the drainpipe, and helped me down.
I raced him to the car and jumped into the driver’s seat before he could get there, slamming the door shut and locking the car. “Katie!! Get out!! Come on, aren’t we going somewhere? Let me drive, scooch over!” I pressed my face against the glass and made faces at him, immediately regressing to about 5 years old and giggling hysterically when he gave me a puppy dog pout. “That ain’t gonna work with me, sweetheart, sorry.” He gave me the finger, and I gasped, pretending to be offended. “Now you are definitely not getting this car back. Bye Benj!” I waved playfully from the window, and went to put the car in gear. Then I realized that I didn’t have the keys, Benji did. I sighed and put my head down on the steering wheel, before reaching over to unlock the doors. “I give up, get in, let’s go.” I climbed over into the passenger seat and he hopped in the car, scowling at me. “I’m gonna make you pay for that you know.” I feigned being scared, “Oh no, save me, someone, ah!” He scowled and poked me in the arm, before putting the car in gear and starting the engine. We drove around for about an hour, before Benji found the place he was looking for. It was a dark secluded spot, with nothing but a few old park benches under the shade of towering weeping willow trees. He stopped the car, put it in park and pulled the keys from the ignition before looking over at me. “Well?” I gave him a questioning look, “Where are we?” He gave me a look before climbing out of the car and coming over to open my door and help me from the car. “You’ll see.”
I followed him as he parted the weeping willow’s branches and pulled me down onto one of the park benches. Under the branches, we were completely invisible to anyone on the outside. He draped an arm around my shoulders, and I froze. I had a huge crush on him, and it was no secret to any of my friends. But did he know? I had told Joel and he had sworn he wouldn’t breathe a word of it. And now, being so close to him, I was freaking out. He and Joel were my best friends. It might be weird being with Benj, actually being with him. “What do you think true love is like?” I glanced at him quizzically. It wasn’t a strange question, I just wasn’t expecting it. “I think it’s when you can’t live without that special person. When all you ever think of is them. When you don’t feel whole if they’re not with you. When your heart starts racing just because they’re near you. When you can’t sleep at night because you’re wondering what they’re doing at that exact moment. It’s like that weightless feeling you get when you’re swimming, like your stomach dropping out from under you on a roller coaster. It’s feeling you can just be yourself and screw what the world expects of you, because you know that person cares about you.” He nodded with each word I said and then added his own feelings. “I think I understand what you’re saying. It’s when you can stare into each other’s eyes and never say a single word, when you feel the other even if you’re a thousand miles away, when every time you close your eyes you see them. It’s like the world is a better place just because you know they’re in it.” I smiled at him. “Yeah, it’s exactly like that.” He tightened his arm around my shoulders more. “Then I think I’m truly in love.” I turned to him quickly, my eyes questioning, my heart pounding, hoping that he meant what he said. “Are you sure? How can you tell?” I was so nervous. I wiped my hands on my jeans. “Because I can’t concentrate when you’re near me. Because you make me feel complete. Because you bring out the real me, the me I never show anybody. Because I fall for you all over again every time you take my hand.” I threw my arms around him. “You don’t know how happy I am that you said all that. I love you Benji. I always have. I was too afraid to tell you.” He gazed into my eyes, “I love you too, Katie.” He pressed his lips to mine, and we sealed our love with a kiss.
I realized I had been gone for quite a while. I was shaking my fists at the sky and yelling at God when Billy found me. “I figured you might need someone to talk to, and that you didn’t want Joel to find you right now, so I volunteered to come and get you.” I patted the spot on the bench next to me and he sank down onto it. “So what were you thinking about out here?” I wiped a tear from my cheek. “The night Benj and I declared our love for one another.” He smiled, “I remember that. You guys were so crushing on each other for like a year, and neither of you would say anything. You were both so stubborn. I think it was Joel who finally prodded him into saying something. He knew Benji was going to your house that night and he told him to tell you. And he finally listened.” I chuckled a bit, “Wow he’s sure a helpful guy, isn’t he?” Billy and I burst out laughing. “So what were you really pondering out here?” I bit my lip, “I was thinking how could I be in love with Joel when Banji’s only been gone half a year. I feel guilty, like I’m betraying him or something.” He shook his head, “Nah, he’d want you to be happy. I think he’d be happy you were with Joel. You know, he made Joel promise he would take care of you if anything ever happened to him. That was a long time ago, like before we even graduated high school. He was always worried about you when he wasn’t with you. And I bet he’s still worrying about you. He’s your guardian angel, Kate. He’s always with you.” I smiled at Billy’s logic. Thank God there was one sensible person on our bus. Well, most of the time. “Thanks. Hey, let’s go try that new video game you just got. I bet I can whoop your ass this time.” He grinned as he stood up. “That’s what you think.”
I stood up, stretching slowly, “Hey, race you to the bus!” I took off at a sprint, turning behind me to see him starting to catch up. I laughed and ran faster, reaching the bus a few feet ahead of him. We clambered in, breathing heavily. “Hey! Where have you two been? Sounds like someone was having fun!” Paul laughed uproariously as a hurt look came over Joel’s face. “We raced to the bus, dipstick,” I said as I yanked Paul’s hat down over his eyes and pushed him back into his bunk. I went and plopped down on Joel’s lap. “So don’t look so hurt babe. I had time to sort things out, and I’m good. Now let’s break out the game system. I have an ass-whooping to deliver.” Five rounds later, Billy and I were still going at it. Chris and Paul had fallen asleep, and Joel was lying next to me with his head on my shoulder, watching the game intently. “Come on, just give up! You’re never gonna win!” Billy laughed at me as he maneuvered his controller. “Hey, who won the last 2 rounds? That would be me, sucker!” Then I watched my player crash and burn on the screen, “Alright I give up, I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” I got up off the floor and changed into my pajamas in the bathroom, before climbing into my bunk. I fell asleep alone, listening to Billy and Joel talking in the other room. Later that night, I felt Joel climb into the bunk next to me, placing his arms around me and nuzzling his head into my shoulder before he fell asleep. I sighed and let sleep overtake me once more.
"Everytime I see your face,
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place,
And everything feels right"
- Simple Plan
*~~***~~*
I just needed some time by myself, time to think things out and figure where my life was going. So when the bus stopped for the night, I told the guys I’d be back in a few minutes, grabbed my hoodie, and stepped out into the chilly night. I sat on a bench a little ways away from the bus, and watched as Joel peered anxiously out the window, trying to make sure I was okay. He couldn’t see me in the dark, and I knew he was worried. Billy pulled him away from the window and I knew he had roped him into playing some video game. I sat there with my head in my hands, trying to get a hold of myself and my situation. It had been half a year since Benji’s death, and I had just confessed my love for Joel. I felt like I was betraying both of them. A part of my heart was buried along with Benj, so I could never give myself completely to Joel. And did I want to? Benji would have wanted me to move on, to find someone who would love me with all his heart, just like he had. But how would he feel about me being with his twin? If he were still alive, well then none of this would have happened. God, I should have been with him that night. What was I thinking? The tears slipped steadily from my eyes. Why? Why was my life destined to fall down around me? Why did everyone I loved disappear from my life? Was I cursed? I was full out sobbing now, and I remembered the day when Benj and I had first proclaimed our love for each other, in a place not unlike this one, on a night not unlike this.
It was cold, so cold. I was snuggled under my comforter, trying to get warm, when I heard the tap of rocks hitting my window. I got out of bed, shivering, and opened the blinds to view Benji sitting on the roof right outside. “Oh my God Benj, don’t do that! You scared the crap out of me!” He laughed, “Come on; let’s go, before someone wakes up.” I opened the window, “Let me get some clothes on, gees, I’m in my pajamas.” He grinned lopsidedly, “It’s not such a bad view.” I slapped him on the shoulder and pulled the blinds down again, leaving the window open, before stepping to the closet and grabbing jeans, a bra, and a hoodie. I yanked my pajamas off and pulled the clothes on as quickly as possible. I heard chuckling, and I turned around. Benji had opened the blinds and was watching me. “Why did I even bother pulling them down? Perv!” He just laughed at me, and grabbed me by the hand, helping me out onto the roof. He scrambled down the drainpipe, and helped me down.
I raced him to the car and jumped into the driver’s seat before he could get there, slamming the door shut and locking the car. “Katie!! Get out!! Come on, aren’t we going somewhere? Let me drive, scooch over!” I pressed my face against the glass and made faces at him, immediately regressing to about 5 years old and giggling hysterically when he gave me a puppy dog pout. “That ain’t gonna work with me, sweetheart, sorry.” He gave me the finger, and I gasped, pretending to be offended. “Now you are definitely not getting this car back. Bye Benj!” I waved playfully from the window, and went to put the car in gear. Then I realized that I didn’t have the keys, Benji did. I sighed and put my head down on the steering wheel, before reaching over to unlock the doors. “I give up, get in, let’s go.” I climbed over into the passenger seat and he hopped in the car, scowling at me. “I’m gonna make you pay for that you know.” I feigned being scared, “Oh no, save me, someone, ah!” He scowled and poked me in the arm, before putting the car in gear and starting the engine. We drove around for about an hour, before Benji found the place he was looking for. It was a dark secluded spot, with nothing but a few old park benches under the shade of towering weeping willow trees. He stopped the car, put it in park and pulled the keys from the ignition before looking over at me. “Well?” I gave him a questioning look, “Where are we?” He gave me a look before climbing out of the car and coming over to open my door and help me from the car. “You’ll see.”
I followed him as he parted the weeping willow’s branches and pulled me down onto one of the park benches. Under the branches, we were completely invisible to anyone on the outside. He draped an arm around my shoulders, and I froze. I had a huge crush on him, and it was no secret to any of my friends. But did he know? I had told Joel and he had sworn he wouldn’t breathe a word of it. And now, being so close to him, I was freaking out. He and Joel were my best friends. It might be weird being with Benj, actually being with him. “What do you think true love is like?” I glanced at him quizzically. It wasn’t a strange question, I just wasn’t expecting it. “I think it’s when you can’t live without that special person. When all you ever think of is them. When you don’t feel whole if they’re not with you. When your heart starts racing just because they’re near you. When you can’t sleep at night because you’re wondering what they’re doing at that exact moment. It’s like that weightless feeling you get when you’re swimming, like your stomach dropping out from under you on a roller coaster. It’s feeling you can just be yourself and screw what the world expects of you, because you know that person cares about you.” He nodded with each word I said and then added his own feelings. “I think I understand what you’re saying. It’s when you can stare into each other’s eyes and never say a single word, when you feel the other even if you’re a thousand miles away, when every time you close your eyes you see them. It’s like the world is a better place just because you know they’re in it.” I smiled at him. “Yeah, it’s exactly like that.” He tightened his arm around my shoulders more. “Then I think I’m truly in love.” I turned to him quickly, my eyes questioning, my heart pounding, hoping that he meant what he said. “Are you sure? How can you tell?” I was so nervous. I wiped my hands on my jeans. “Because I can’t concentrate when you’re near me. Because you make me feel complete. Because you bring out the real me, the me I never show anybody. Because I fall for you all over again every time you take my hand.” I threw my arms around him. “You don’t know how happy I am that you said all that. I love you Benji. I always have. I was too afraid to tell you.” He gazed into my eyes, “I love you too, Katie.” He pressed his lips to mine, and we sealed our love with a kiss.
I realized I had been gone for quite a while. I was shaking my fists at the sky and yelling at God when Billy found me. “I figured you might need someone to talk to, and that you didn’t want Joel to find you right now, so I volunteered to come and get you.” I patted the spot on the bench next to me and he sank down onto it. “So what were you thinking about out here?” I wiped a tear from my cheek. “The night Benj and I declared our love for one another.” He smiled, “I remember that. You guys were so crushing on each other for like a year, and neither of you would say anything. You were both so stubborn. I think it was Joel who finally prodded him into saying something. He knew Benji was going to your house that night and he told him to tell you. And he finally listened.” I chuckled a bit, “Wow he’s sure a helpful guy, isn’t he?” Billy and I burst out laughing. “So what were you really pondering out here?” I bit my lip, “I was thinking how could I be in love with Joel when Banji’s only been gone half a year. I feel guilty, like I’m betraying him or something.” He shook his head, “Nah, he’d want you to be happy. I think he’d be happy you were with Joel. You know, he made Joel promise he would take care of you if anything ever happened to him. That was a long time ago, like before we even graduated high school. He was always worried about you when he wasn’t with you. And I bet he’s still worrying about you. He’s your guardian angel, Kate. He’s always with you.” I smiled at Billy’s logic. Thank God there was one sensible person on our bus. Well, most of the time. “Thanks. Hey, let’s go try that new video game you just got. I bet I can whoop your ass this time.” He grinned as he stood up. “That’s what you think.”
I stood up, stretching slowly, “Hey, race you to the bus!” I took off at a sprint, turning behind me to see him starting to catch up. I laughed and ran faster, reaching the bus a few feet ahead of him. We clambered in, breathing heavily. “Hey! Where have you two been? Sounds like someone was having fun!” Paul laughed uproariously as a hurt look came over Joel’s face. “We raced to the bus, dipstick,” I said as I yanked Paul’s hat down over his eyes and pushed him back into his bunk. I went and plopped down on Joel’s lap. “So don’t look so hurt babe. I had time to sort things out, and I’m good. Now let’s break out the game system. I have an ass-whooping to deliver.” Five rounds later, Billy and I were still going at it. Chris and Paul had fallen asleep, and Joel was lying next to me with his head on my shoulder, watching the game intently. “Come on, just give up! You’re never gonna win!” Billy laughed at me as he maneuvered his controller. “Hey, who won the last 2 rounds? That would be me, sucker!” Then I watched my player crash and burn on the screen, “Alright I give up, I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” I got up off the floor and changed into my pajamas in the bathroom, before climbing into my bunk. I fell asleep alone, listening to Billy and Joel talking in the other room. Later that night, I felt Joel climb into the bunk next to me, placing his arms around me and nuzzling his head into my shoulder before he fell asleep. I sighed and let sleep overtake me once more.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Chapter 5
Chapter 5
"And you said,
you can't change the way you feel,
and i could never do that.
But you can't tell me this ain't real,
cuz this is real,
and you would see right through that"
- Good Charlotte
*~~***~~*
I woke up in the middle of the night crying. The memory had been so real, like it wasn’t a dream at all but that it was actually happening. It had been that day at the beach all over again. I remembered Benj kissing me goodbye, remembered the slam of the hotel door, and there were other foggy images floating in and out of my brain. A police officer in the doorway, my own voice screaming, the sound of wailing sirens. And then there was the ocean, and I watched as my whole life drifted off into the black and merciless seas. I felt a pair of arms latch tightly around me, and then my eyes flew open.
I was breathing heavily, chest heaving, and the tears rolled steadily down my cheeks. It had been 6 months since Benji’s death, but I’d never had a dream so vivid about him. “Katie, what’s wrong?” Joel’s concerned voice shocked me for a second, as I suddenly realized where I was. I turned over in the bunk to face him. “Joel, I had this terrible dream. It was awful.” I told him everything I’d seen and heard. He pulled me close and I nuzzled my head into his chest. “It’s okay, it’s alright. I’m here baby.” I snuggled in closer to him and felt his arms around me. The tears continued to fall, and he held me as I cried. The last thing I heard before I fell asleep was him whispering softly to me, “I love you Katie, and I’m never gonna let you go.”
When I woke up the next morning, neither of us had moved. Joel was still sleeping and I heard him talking in his sleep. “Katie…” I was a little shocked to hear my name coming from his lips in his sleep, but I wasn’t altogether surprised. I knew I had dreamed about him before and had probably muttered his name more than once while I slept. I shook him awake. “Joel, Joel, wake up!” He groaned and rolled over on top of me. “Joel! Hello?” I felt his hand flop onto my chest, “I know you’re awake, Joel. Don’t even try to fake it.” He laughed and pecked my cheek, “Good morning.” I smiled, “Yeah I bet it is for you, now. Enjoying this much?” He stuck his tongue out at me, “You bet I am.” I pushed at him, “You had better put that back where it belongs, mister. Now get off.” He rolled off me chuckling as he padded to the bathroom. I hopped out of the bunk after him and headed for the lounge area.
I saw Billy making something, “Hey, what’s for breakfast?” I asked as I went up behind him and threw my arms around his waist. He turned around and smiled. “Hey. Um, I’m thinking cereal, cuz I can’t cook. So, yeah, cereal.” I laughed and grabbed a bowl and spoon out of the cabinet. He handed me the box, and I smiled when I realized it was Cap’N Crunch, my favorite. I poured myself a bowl and sank into the couch to eat. He flopped down next to me with his own bowl. “So, what’s up with you and Joel?” I frowned at his question, “What do you mean by that Billy?” He put his spoon back in the bowl and studied me, “He hasn’t slept in his own bunk since that night. And you guys just seem so, inseparable.” I took another bite of cereal before answering, “He doesn’t sleep well sometimes, and sometimes I don’t sleep well. And we figure we’ll end up sharing a bed anyways. As for being inseparable, Benji was his twin you know, and I feel a connection to him that’s as deep as mine and Benj’s ever was.” He looked slightly surprised at my answer. “So do you love him, like you loved Benj?” I was taken aback by his question, “What are you getting at? You know I love Joel, you know that. And I love you guys too. But, like I loved Benj? He was my other half, Billy.” His eyes flashed, and I knew he knew that I was holding something back. “I know you love us, but are you in love with Joel? You said you guys have a connection as deep as the one you had with Benji. Do you want more with Joel?” I sighed. “I think I’ve always felt something for him. He’s always been my best friend, you know. You remember that night me and Benj broke up?? He was the one I ran to.” I closed my eyes as the memory washed over me.
“What are you talking about? You know I’d never cheat on you!” I couldn’t believe Benji had even suggested that I was fooling around behind his back. I guess I should have suspected he’d get this way. He was drunk and not thinking straight, and finding the note in my bag had sent him over the edge. It was an innocent note, from a close friend. But he thought otherwise and immediately started yelling at me about it. “How could you? How could you do this to me? You’ve been screwing around with some other guy!” I couldn’t make him stop and all I could do was try and stand my ground. The hand came out of nowhere, and I found myself on the floor, clutching the side of my face where he had hit me. “You hit me. You hit me? What the hell Benji? How could you? I thought you loved me. But you know what? We’re through!” I staggered to my feet and headed for the door. He stopped me, standing in my way before I could reach for the doorknob. “Running off to your other lover then, you little whore? Fine! I don’t need you!” He pushed past me as he went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. I felt a tear slowly make its way down my cheek, but I wiped it away and stepped out into the hallway, and right into Joel. “Hey, what’s going on? We could hear you guys fighting all the way downstairs. Are you crying? Katie what happened?” I threw my arms around him and sobbed, “He hit me Joel, and he accused me of cheating and I just broke up with him.” His arms clutched me tighter, “What? He hit you? Oh, Katie. Is he drunk?” I nodded. “He won’t remember any of this tomorrow. But you guys are broken up?” I nodded once more to confirm everything he had said. “You can stay in my room, come on.” I followed him down the hall and collapsed onto his bed. He lay down next to me and held me while I cried. When I was finished he wiped the tears from my cheeks and smiled at me. “It’ll be okay. You guys will work it out.” I snuggled against him. “Katie?” I turned my head so I could look at him. “I have something to admit to you. I’ve always had this little crush on you. And seeing you like this, it just kills me. I know you love my brother, but I can’t help but think…” I cut him off, pressing my finger to his lips. His eyes widened as I leaned in and brushed my lips against his. I had always wondered what it would be like to be with Joel, and now that he’d admitted to feeling the same, I figured why not. He kissed me hungrily, full of need and I kissed him back with a tinge of desperation. There was no need to talk it out, we just needed to get the urge out of our systems, and we did. He rolled over on top of me, his lips moving against mine. I felt his tongue brush over my bottom lip and I let out a sigh of contentment, opening my mouth to his. His hands gripped my hips; my hands ran through his hair. He moaned against my lips, pressing himself harder against me, letting me feel everything. He broke the kiss, staring deep into my eyes. Before I knew it, he was pulling my shirt over my head, and I was fumbling to yank his off as well. His hands were cold as they ran up my sides and up to the back of my bra, unhooking it and throwing it to the floor. He unzipped my jeans and wriggled them down my hips, letting me pull off his jeans as well. I was burning up as he slipped my underwear off and I yanked down his boxers. I knew that Benji wouldn’t remember our argument in the morning or why I was mad at him or even that we were broken up. If he found out about this, well, his cheating accusations would be correct I suppose. Guilt tugged at my mind, what was I doing? But the other side of my brain was giving in and I couldn’t stop myself, and I didn’t want to. Later we lay in each other’s arms, tired and sweaty, and I locked my eyes on his. “That wasn’t considered cheating was it?” He grinned at me, “I don’t think so, cuz you broke up with him, even if he doesn’t know it.” I pushed closer against him and fell asleep in his arms.
“Didn’t you guys get back together the next day?” Billy’s expression betrayed his true emotions, even if his face was as stoic as possible. I knew this information had sent him reeling. Joel and I had kept it a secret and never told a soul. “Yeah, they did.” I whirled around to see Joel leaning in the doorway. “How long have you been there?” He smiled. “Long enough to hear you tell Billy everything.” I paled a bit, “You’re not mad are you?” He laughed, “Nah, it’s not like I kept my crush on you a secret. The guys always knew it, even if I tried to hide it. I think Benj knew it too. That’s why he was so eager to make things right the day after all that. He thought I’d swoop in and sweep you off your feet.” I patted the couch beside me, motioning to him to sit down, “You did, that night. I never told you, but since then, there was always a part of me with you. No matter what I did. I knew I loved Benji, but I loved you too. I didn’t want to push it though, ruin our friendship. And I knew it would kill me to hide more from Benji, and it would have killed him if I left him for you.” He sank down onto the couch next to me. “So I’m allowed to do this then?” He leaned in and kissed me. I was taken aback a bit, but I kissed him back. We broke the kiss and I smiled at him. “Yeah, you are, I guess. I don’t have to hide my feelings anymore then? Good, cuz I love you Joel. And I love you as more than a friend. But promise me you’ll never leave me. I don’t know how I could survive if I lost you too.” He pulled me close to him. “I’ll never go away. I promised Benj I’d take care of you if anything ever happened to him. And I will.”
"And you said,
you can't change the way you feel,
and i could never do that.
But you can't tell me this ain't real,
cuz this is real,
and you would see right through that"
- Good Charlotte
*~~***~~*
I woke up in the middle of the night crying. The memory had been so real, like it wasn’t a dream at all but that it was actually happening. It had been that day at the beach all over again. I remembered Benj kissing me goodbye, remembered the slam of the hotel door, and there were other foggy images floating in and out of my brain. A police officer in the doorway, my own voice screaming, the sound of wailing sirens. And then there was the ocean, and I watched as my whole life drifted off into the black and merciless seas. I felt a pair of arms latch tightly around me, and then my eyes flew open.
I was breathing heavily, chest heaving, and the tears rolled steadily down my cheeks. It had been 6 months since Benji’s death, but I’d never had a dream so vivid about him. “Katie, what’s wrong?” Joel’s concerned voice shocked me for a second, as I suddenly realized where I was. I turned over in the bunk to face him. “Joel, I had this terrible dream. It was awful.” I told him everything I’d seen and heard. He pulled me close and I nuzzled my head into his chest. “It’s okay, it’s alright. I’m here baby.” I snuggled in closer to him and felt his arms around me. The tears continued to fall, and he held me as I cried. The last thing I heard before I fell asleep was him whispering softly to me, “I love you Katie, and I’m never gonna let you go.”
When I woke up the next morning, neither of us had moved. Joel was still sleeping and I heard him talking in his sleep. “Katie…” I was a little shocked to hear my name coming from his lips in his sleep, but I wasn’t altogether surprised. I knew I had dreamed about him before and had probably muttered his name more than once while I slept. I shook him awake. “Joel, Joel, wake up!” He groaned and rolled over on top of me. “Joel! Hello?” I felt his hand flop onto my chest, “I know you’re awake, Joel. Don’t even try to fake it.” He laughed and pecked my cheek, “Good morning.” I smiled, “Yeah I bet it is for you, now. Enjoying this much?” He stuck his tongue out at me, “You bet I am.” I pushed at him, “You had better put that back where it belongs, mister. Now get off.” He rolled off me chuckling as he padded to the bathroom. I hopped out of the bunk after him and headed for the lounge area.
I saw Billy making something, “Hey, what’s for breakfast?” I asked as I went up behind him and threw my arms around his waist. He turned around and smiled. “Hey. Um, I’m thinking cereal, cuz I can’t cook. So, yeah, cereal.” I laughed and grabbed a bowl and spoon out of the cabinet. He handed me the box, and I smiled when I realized it was Cap’N Crunch, my favorite. I poured myself a bowl and sank into the couch to eat. He flopped down next to me with his own bowl. “So, what’s up with you and Joel?” I frowned at his question, “What do you mean by that Billy?” He put his spoon back in the bowl and studied me, “He hasn’t slept in his own bunk since that night. And you guys just seem so, inseparable.” I took another bite of cereal before answering, “He doesn’t sleep well sometimes, and sometimes I don’t sleep well. And we figure we’ll end up sharing a bed anyways. As for being inseparable, Benji was his twin you know, and I feel a connection to him that’s as deep as mine and Benj’s ever was.” He looked slightly surprised at my answer. “So do you love him, like you loved Benj?” I was taken aback by his question, “What are you getting at? You know I love Joel, you know that. And I love you guys too. But, like I loved Benj? He was my other half, Billy.” His eyes flashed, and I knew he knew that I was holding something back. “I know you love us, but are you in love with Joel? You said you guys have a connection as deep as the one you had with Benji. Do you want more with Joel?” I sighed. “I think I’ve always felt something for him. He’s always been my best friend, you know. You remember that night me and Benj broke up?? He was the one I ran to.” I closed my eyes as the memory washed over me.
“What are you talking about? You know I’d never cheat on you!” I couldn’t believe Benji had even suggested that I was fooling around behind his back. I guess I should have suspected he’d get this way. He was drunk and not thinking straight, and finding the note in my bag had sent him over the edge. It was an innocent note, from a close friend. But he thought otherwise and immediately started yelling at me about it. “How could you? How could you do this to me? You’ve been screwing around with some other guy!” I couldn’t make him stop and all I could do was try and stand my ground. The hand came out of nowhere, and I found myself on the floor, clutching the side of my face where he had hit me. “You hit me. You hit me? What the hell Benji? How could you? I thought you loved me. But you know what? We’re through!” I staggered to my feet and headed for the door. He stopped me, standing in my way before I could reach for the doorknob. “Running off to your other lover then, you little whore? Fine! I don’t need you!” He pushed past me as he went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. I felt a tear slowly make its way down my cheek, but I wiped it away and stepped out into the hallway, and right into Joel. “Hey, what’s going on? We could hear you guys fighting all the way downstairs. Are you crying? Katie what happened?” I threw my arms around him and sobbed, “He hit me Joel, and he accused me of cheating and I just broke up with him.” His arms clutched me tighter, “What? He hit you? Oh, Katie. Is he drunk?” I nodded. “He won’t remember any of this tomorrow. But you guys are broken up?” I nodded once more to confirm everything he had said. “You can stay in my room, come on.” I followed him down the hall and collapsed onto his bed. He lay down next to me and held me while I cried. When I was finished he wiped the tears from my cheeks and smiled at me. “It’ll be okay. You guys will work it out.” I snuggled against him. “Katie?” I turned my head so I could look at him. “I have something to admit to you. I’ve always had this little crush on you. And seeing you like this, it just kills me. I know you love my brother, but I can’t help but think…” I cut him off, pressing my finger to his lips. His eyes widened as I leaned in and brushed my lips against his. I had always wondered what it would be like to be with Joel, and now that he’d admitted to feeling the same, I figured why not. He kissed me hungrily, full of need and I kissed him back with a tinge of desperation. There was no need to talk it out, we just needed to get the urge out of our systems, and we did. He rolled over on top of me, his lips moving against mine. I felt his tongue brush over my bottom lip and I let out a sigh of contentment, opening my mouth to his. His hands gripped my hips; my hands ran through his hair. He moaned against my lips, pressing himself harder against me, letting me feel everything. He broke the kiss, staring deep into my eyes. Before I knew it, he was pulling my shirt over my head, and I was fumbling to yank his off as well. His hands were cold as they ran up my sides and up to the back of my bra, unhooking it and throwing it to the floor. He unzipped my jeans and wriggled them down my hips, letting me pull off his jeans as well. I was burning up as he slipped my underwear off and I yanked down his boxers. I knew that Benji wouldn’t remember our argument in the morning or why I was mad at him or even that we were broken up. If he found out about this, well, his cheating accusations would be correct I suppose. Guilt tugged at my mind, what was I doing? But the other side of my brain was giving in and I couldn’t stop myself, and I didn’t want to. Later we lay in each other’s arms, tired and sweaty, and I locked my eyes on his. “That wasn’t considered cheating was it?” He grinned at me, “I don’t think so, cuz you broke up with him, even if he doesn’t know it.” I pushed closer against him and fell asleep in his arms.
“Didn’t you guys get back together the next day?” Billy’s expression betrayed his true emotions, even if his face was as stoic as possible. I knew this information had sent him reeling. Joel and I had kept it a secret and never told a soul. “Yeah, they did.” I whirled around to see Joel leaning in the doorway. “How long have you been there?” He smiled. “Long enough to hear you tell Billy everything.” I paled a bit, “You’re not mad are you?” He laughed, “Nah, it’s not like I kept my crush on you a secret. The guys always knew it, even if I tried to hide it. I think Benj knew it too. That’s why he was so eager to make things right the day after all that. He thought I’d swoop in and sweep you off your feet.” I patted the couch beside me, motioning to him to sit down, “You did, that night. I never told you, but since then, there was always a part of me with you. No matter what I did. I knew I loved Benji, but I loved you too. I didn’t want to push it though, ruin our friendship. And I knew it would kill me to hide more from Benji, and it would have killed him if I left him for you.” He sank down onto the couch next to me. “So I’m allowed to do this then?” He leaned in and kissed me. I was taken aback a bit, but I kissed him back. We broke the kiss and I smiled at him. “Yeah, you are, I guess. I don’t have to hide my feelings anymore then? Good, cuz I love you Joel. And I love you as more than a friend. But promise me you’ll never leave me. I don’t know how I could survive if I lost you too.” He pulled me close to him. “I’ll never go away. I promised Benj I’d take care of you if anything ever happened to him. And I will.”
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Chapter 4
Chapter 4
"Gotta get my shit together,
cause this is dragging on and on.
And I can't wait around forever,
I'm starting to think he really might be gone"
- Bowling for Soup
*~~***~~*
I was leaning against the wall backstage, listening to the rhythmic chant of “Good Charlotte, Good Charlotte!” in the studio, and outside of it as well. The fans were excited to see us, because the band had dropped off the map after Benj’s death. There had been no more performances, no news, no official word from any of the band members. Reporters had plagued all our parents for weeks, and then given up when they realized that even our own families didn’t know where we were. The guys had decided I should be an official part of the band. We weren’t going to be doing much for a while though. I looked over to where Joel was leaning against the wall, the sleeves of his MADE hoodie pushed up to the elbows, his eyes closed. I leaned my head onto his shoulder, causing his eyes to fly open. He smiled when he saw it was me. I had been wearing nothing but Benji’s clothing lately. His stuff had all been in the bus, and I had pilfered all his unwashed t-shirts so I could keep the smell of him close to me, to remember him by. I was wearing one of his precious Rancid shirts today, which was barely visible underneath his MADE hoodie, one that matched Joel’s perfectly. He smiled as he took in my appearance. My hair was rumpled and my eyeliner was smudged, with tear marks running down my face as my memorial to Benji. But these tear marks were real and not drawn on. I had on a pair of Benj’s old Chuck Taylor’s and my own jeans. “Still wearing Benji’s clothes I see. Ew, you’re wearing his shoes? Those stink, man!” I punched him in the arm and giggled as he threw his arms around me and gave me puppy-dog eyes so I wouldn’t get mad at him. “Okay, okay, you’re off the hook…for now.” His grin grew even wider. We heard Damien announcing us, and I looked over to make sure the other guys were ready to do this. Billy gave me the thumbs up. Paul hastily tried to finish the cheeseburger he was devouring, and Chris stuck his tongue out at me. At least my attempts to drag the guys back to the land of the living had paid off. Joel grabbed my arm and steered me towards the door, we were on.
"Hey guys, welcome back to TRL. It’s great to see you again.” Damien was all smiles, but LaLa was looking teary again. “Yeah, it’s nice to be back again,” Joel admitted with a wave to the audience. “We are so sorry about your loss, and believe me, we’re all feeling it. But what we all want to know is, where have you guys been all this time?” I saw Billy scowl slightly at the question, and I glared at him to keep him from saying something he would regret later. I was the one who jumped in to answer, because I saw that Joel was close to tears. “Well, after the accident, we all took it really hard and we just knew we couldn’t continue the tour without Benj. So mainly we’ve been traveling around the country in our bus, just trying to cope with everything. But we’re going to be back soon, and we all appreciate your support. We loved your letters.” Damien nodded, hearing the pain in my voice. “As you all know, Katie is now an official member of the band. So, Katie, you sing? Do you play guitar too?” I put on my brave face, “Benji taught me how to play. I’m good, but I was never as good as he was. And I’m not trying to take his place, because no one can ever replace him, not in the band and not in our hearts. We’re just trying to continue doing what he would have wanted us to do, which is to make music.” The whole audience cheered, and the guys brightened slightly. “Okay, well we’re going to go to our commercial break. When we come back, more Good Charlotte, and of course, your countdown!"
Damien relaxed when the camera was off him and he went to Joel. “Are you okay man? Cuz you look like you might need a moment.” Joel bit his lip and nodded, before he crossed over to me and threw his arms around me. “Don’t cry Joel, be strong. For me, for the band, for the fans. For Benji. He’s watching over us, Joel, he knows how hard it is for us. You’ve got to be brave baby.” He lifted his head off my shoulder and pressed his forehead to mine. “Thanks Kate. How do you do that? How do you make me feel so much better when everything else is all going to hell? You don’t know how much I love you.” I wiped a tear off his face with my thumb. “I love you too Joel, now let’s go and get this over with.”
We headed back to the set, arm in arm. The 1 minute warning sounded. “Hey there, we’re back on TRL with Good Charlotte! Okay, so this question comes from a fan. When are you guys going to perform again? We all love you and miss you, and we want to hear this new sound they’ve been talking about.” Billy answered that one. “Well, Katie wrote a song the other day. It’s our dedication to Benj and we’re gonna play it live, here on TRL, right now.”
The crowd cheered, and Damien ushered us over to where the instruments were set up. Everyone was cheering like crazy as Joel and I sat down on the stools. I picked up the guitar and strummed a chord. I fixed my microphone so I could sing into it and watched Joel close his eyes before grabbing his mike. My fingers found the familiar notes that I had practiced so hard, over and over, until they were second nature to me. My voice lifted as I sang. “Memories of you and me, of all we used to be, they are haunting me, they are haunting me. I still feel your warm embrace, your fingers running down my face, remembering your taste, remembering your taste. I cried until I felt I’d run out of room to breathe, room to breathe.” Joel joined in on the chorus. “The day I lost you, the world stopped turning. But the fire in my heart is still burning. And nothing can erase, the memories I trace, back to you. Back to you. I know you’re watching me, in everything I see, in all I want to be, all I want to be. With you the world seemed right, never had a lonely night, wrapped in your arms so tight, your arms so tight. I cried until I felt I’d run out of room to breathe, room to breathe. The day I lost you, the world stopped turning. But the fire in my heart is still burning. And nothing can erase, the memories I trace, back to you. Back to you.” My voice soared as I flew into the bridge, Joel’s voice matching mine effortlessly, just lower. “I never had the chance to tell you, everything, I wish I said. And now the memories of words I never spilt, just groan inside my head. The day I lost you, the world stopped turning. But the fire in my heart is still burning. And nothing can erase, the memories I trace, back to you. Back to you. Back to…you…” Our voices faded out in unison and I played the last haunting guitar chord. The crowd cheered, and I noticed tears on many of their faces. “Yeah, well that was Good Charlotte with Back to You!! A TRL exclusive! We didn’t even know they were gonna do that! Alright guys that’s all we’ve got for you today, but tune in tomorrow for more of your favorite videos!” We all breathed a sigh of relief, and I felt my tears pressing at my eyelids as I shut them tight. I felt strong arms around me, arms I knew from memory. But it couldn’t be, and I knew it. It would never be again.
Chapter 3
Chapter 3
"Save some face,
you know you've only got one.
Change your ways,
while your young"
- The Killers
*~~***~~*
They released me from the hospital two days later, after making sure that I was over my mild concussion. The guys were waiting when I walked out of the elevator and into the hospital lobby. Joel came straight to me, wrapping his arms around me and pecking me on the cheek. “Ready to go?” I noted that he didn’t include the word home. We had discussed all of our options last night before the nurse had kicked them out, insisting they sleep in an actual bed for a night. We had known it wouldn’t be long before the news leaked to the press. We were right. The guy who had stopped to help Benj had gone straight to the nearest newspaper office with his story. By the next day, it was all over the front pages, MTV, and the internet. The fans were shocked but unbelievably supportive. Joel’s mom had called earlier and told us that she was getting an overwhelming amount of mail for the band, from fans who wanted to share their condolences. When they had announced it on TRL the day after the accident, the entire audience had burst collectively into tears. One of the VJs had to be escorted off the set because she couldn’t collect herself. We were touched that everyone cared so deeply. Mrs. Madden even said there were letters addressed to me, telling me to hang in there, and telling me they shared my pain. I cried when she told me that over the phone. People cared about the band, of course, but about me?? No one had ever sent me fan mail before, even though I opened for Good Charlotte most of the time, and sang with them as well. We also got a lot of mail asking what the band was going to do next. Those, we didn’t think of as impersonal, they were just blown away by this tragedy and they were curious. We all were.
Joel had suggested we stop the tour, and go on some shows, like TRL, to show the fans that we weren’t forgetting about them. Billy had thought it would all be too much, too soon. Everyone was worried that I wouldn’t be able to take it. The vote split evenly, Paul siding with Joel and Chris with Billy. It came down to me. I knew what we had to do.
3 Weeks Later
The weeks passed by like a blur. I felt like all my happiness had been sucked out of me. There seemed to be nothing left to live for. Then I remembered the boys. Joel had drawn into his shell so much, becoming more shy than usual. He told me continuously that I was the only reason he held on. He confided everything in me, while he withdrew more and more from everyone else. The fifth night after we had gotten back on the tour bus, the curtain in my bunk was pulled back and I woke up to see Joel standing in the aisle in tears. “I had a bad dream,” he sounded like he was five years old and needed his mom again, “Can I sleep with you?” I nodded yes to him, and scooted over to make room for him in the bunk. He lay there facing me, and I slipped my arms around him, pulling him close to me. “I can’t believe he’s gone, Kate. I actually went to his bunk first, cuz he was always the one who comforted me when I got scared in the middle of the night. And then I realized that he was gone and it all hit me suddenly.” I wiped the tears off his cheeks. “Joel, you don’t have to be so strong, you know. He was your brother, your twin. You guys had a connection that he and I could never have. You haven’t really cried since that night in the hospital, have you?” He shook his head slowly. “Joel, don’t try and be so tough. You have a broken heart. I know you do. I do too. I loved him, Joel, more than I ever loved anything in this world. I feel like half my soul is missing. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel. I love you Joel, you know that, and I care about you so much. I know this is hard but we can make it.” He let out a sigh and I rubbed his back, trying to calm him down. “Katie, you’re all that keeps me holding on. I think about how much Benji loved you, and I know that you’re so special. I don’t know how I could make it if I lost you too.” I laid my head against his chest, “Well don’t worry about it, cuz I’m not going anywhere for a loooong time. You’re stuck with me forever.”
I smiled to myself as I remembered that night. Joel had always been there for me, and I was trying my best to be there for him. He hadn’t slept in his bunk since that night. I’d gotten used to waking up and feeling him beside me. He reminded me of Benji so damn much, though. I would find myself crying for no reason, just because his arms were around me, and they were so much like Benji’s. I tried to be strong, because it seemed like I was the only one on the bus who hadn’t lost it completely. Billy had given up video games. They reminded him too much of when he and Benj would play until the early hours of the morning. Paul had gone on a vegan strike to honor Benji. I was surprised he hadn’t cracked yet. That boy sure loved his cheeseburgers. Chris hadn’t said anything remotely funny since we’d left the hospital. He seemed moody and brooding and so unlike him. I was left to fill in the gaps, to remind Joel to wear clean socks, to scold Paul when he started drooling at cheeseburgers. But it all became automatic and forced. There was an empty hole where my heart had once been. Where Benj had once been. I was an empty shell of a person, trying to make Billy smile, holding Joel at night, comforting Chris. My actions and my thoughts just didn’t correspond. I was emotionless. I couldn’t do anything about it. Slowly I started coming back to the real world. I snapped out of it, so to speak. And I was determined to make everyone else do the same.
"Save some face,
you know you've only got one.
Change your ways,
while your young"
- The Killers
*~~***~~*
They released me from the hospital two days later, after making sure that I was over my mild concussion. The guys were waiting when I walked out of the elevator and into the hospital lobby. Joel came straight to me, wrapping his arms around me and pecking me on the cheek. “Ready to go?” I noted that he didn’t include the word home. We had discussed all of our options last night before the nurse had kicked them out, insisting they sleep in an actual bed for a night. We had known it wouldn’t be long before the news leaked to the press. We were right. The guy who had stopped to help Benj had gone straight to the nearest newspaper office with his story. By the next day, it was all over the front pages, MTV, and the internet. The fans were shocked but unbelievably supportive. Joel’s mom had called earlier and told us that she was getting an overwhelming amount of mail for the band, from fans who wanted to share their condolences. When they had announced it on TRL the day after the accident, the entire audience had burst collectively into tears. One of the VJs had to be escorted off the set because she couldn’t collect herself. We were touched that everyone cared so deeply. Mrs. Madden even said there were letters addressed to me, telling me to hang in there, and telling me they shared my pain. I cried when she told me that over the phone. People cared about the band, of course, but about me?? No one had ever sent me fan mail before, even though I opened for Good Charlotte most of the time, and sang with them as well. We also got a lot of mail asking what the band was going to do next. Those, we didn’t think of as impersonal, they were just blown away by this tragedy and they were curious. We all were.
Joel had suggested we stop the tour, and go on some shows, like TRL, to show the fans that we weren’t forgetting about them. Billy had thought it would all be too much, too soon. Everyone was worried that I wouldn’t be able to take it. The vote split evenly, Paul siding with Joel and Chris with Billy. It came down to me. I knew what we had to do.
3 Weeks Later
The weeks passed by like a blur. I felt like all my happiness had been sucked out of me. There seemed to be nothing left to live for. Then I remembered the boys. Joel had drawn into his shell so much, becoming more shy than usual. He told me continuously that I was the only reason he held on. He confided everything in me, while he withdrew more and more from everyone else. The fifth night after we had gotten back on the tour bus, the curtain in my bunk was pulled back and I woke up to see Joel standing in the aisle in tears. “I had a bad dream,” he sounded like he was five years old and needed his mom again, “Can I sleep with you?” I nodded yes to him, and scooted over to make room for him in the bunk. He lay there facing me, and I slipped my arms around him, pulling him close to me. “I can’t believe he’s gone, Kate. I actually went to his bunk first, cuz he was always the one who comforted me when I got scared in the middle of the night. And then I realized that he was gone and it all hit me suddenly.” I wiped the tears off his cheeks. “Joel, you don’t have to be so strong, you know. He was your brother, your twin. You guys had a connection that he and I could never have. You haven’t really cried since that night in the hospital, have you?” He shook his head slowly. “Joel, don’t try and be so tough. You have a broken heart. I know you do. I do too. I loved him, Joel, more than I ever loved anything in this world. I feel like half my soul is missing. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel. I love you Joel, you know that, and I care about you so much. I know this is hard but we can make it.” He let out a sigh and I rubbed his back, trying to calm him down. “Katie, you’re all that keeps me holding on. I think about how much Benji loved you, and I know that you’re so special. I don’t know how I could make it if I lost you too.” I laid my head against his chest, “Well don’t worry about it, cuz I’m not going anywhere for a loooong time. You’re stuck with me forever.”
I smiled to myself as I remembered that night. Joel had always been there for me, and I was trying my best to be there for him. He hadn’t slept in his bunk since that night. I’d gotten used to waking up and feeling him beside me. He reminded me of Benji so damn much, though. I would find myself crying for no reason, just because his arms were around me, and they were so much like Benji’s. I tried to be strong, because it seemed like I was the only one on the bus who hadn’t lost it completely. Billy had given up video games. They reminded him too much of when he and Benj would play until the early hours of the morning. Paul had gone on a vegan strike to honor Benji. I was surprised he hadn’t cracked yet. That boy sure loved his cheeseburgers. Chris hadn’t said anything remotely funny since we’d left the hospital. He seemed moody and brooding and so unlike him. I was left to fill in the gaps, to remind Joel to wear clean socks, to scold Paul when he started drooling at cheeseburgers. But it all became automatic and forced. There was an empty hole where my heart had once been. Where Benj had once been. I was an empty shell of a person, trying to make Billy smile, holding Joel at night, comforting Chris. My actions and my thoughts just didn’t correspond. I was emotionless. I couldn’t do anything about it. Slowly I started coming back to the real world. I snapped out of it, so to speak. And I was determined to make everyone else do the same.
Chapter 2
Chapter 2
"At the end of the world,
or the last thing I see
you are never coming home:
- My Chemical Romance
*~~***~~*
The police knocked on my door an hour later. I had been worried sick. Benji had been gone for so long, and he wasn’t answering his cell. I told myself to calm down, that he was fine. That he’d be back as soon as possible. But when I saw the officers standing in the doorway, I lost it. “No, no, no!” I screamed. The police officer came towards me, arms outstretched, meaning to comfort me. “Ms. Switalski? I’m sorry, but I have to inform you…” But he never finished. “No!” I interrupted him, tears glistening in my eyes as it began to sink in. “No,” I whispered, softly, the disbelief showing in my eyes. “No.” My legs gave out from beneath me. The last thing I remembered was a rushing blackness and a sharp pain, before everything disappeared and there was comfort and the feel of strong, tattooed arms around me, and a familiar voice that whispered in my ear and soothed me.
I woke up to the beep of electronic machines. I struggled to open my eyes, until they fluttered open at last. The room I was in was a bright white, its sterile pureness interrupted by the four black-clad young men collapsed in the various chairs by my bed. Joel was slumped down in the chair nearest my bed, his hand over mine. He felt me move and stirred slightly. “Joel…” I gasped out hoarsely. His eyes flew open, they were bloodshot. He fixed them on mine. I took in his rumpled appearance and the various hospital blankets covering the other guys. “How long have you been sitting there?” He smiled a worried smile. “A few hours. The police called us right after you collapsed. We were so worried about you.” I felt a strange anger burn in my veins, “About me? You were worried about ME? Joel, did they tell you WHY I passed out? Why I’m here?” He gripped my hand tighter, and I knew he was willing me to calm down in his head and not wake the others. He wanted this moment. “Yes, they did. They said that they hadn’t even told you before you passed out. They said it seemed like you already knew, like, lovers intuition. But they told us the details, and, I don’t know if you want to hear it right now. But, yeah, we were worried about you, Kate, of course we were. We all love you.” I saw that his eyes were tear-stained and was shocked to see more tears rolling from his eyes as he spoke. I blinked back tears of my own. The anger left my voice as I stuttered out weakly, “But what about Benj?” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, breathing deep to calm himself. “I don’t think you’re up to hearing this right now.” I felt that anger welling up again. “Just tell me, dammit Joel! I deserve to know! I’m as up to it as I’ll ever be. I love him Joel, so much. With all my heart, all my soul,” my tone softened, “tell me everything you know. Please.” I heard a rustling and noticed that Billy had woken up due to my sudden outburst. He picked himself off the ground and came to stand by my other side. “Hey Katie, I guess you’re feeling better huh?” he leaned in to peck my cheek, “I think they heard that all the way down at the other end of the hall.” I smiled at him, “Wow you’re a comedic genius Billy. Really, you’ve got all the other patients in stitches.” My smile widened and we both let out a mutual chuckle, while Joel just groaned. “I don’t understand you two, you’re nuts, I swear. How two people can be sooo immature…” I cut him off. “Don’t think you can weasel out of this Joel, you are going to tell me, and you are going to tell me right now.” Billy’s eyes widened, but he knew better than to argue with me. He just reached out and gripped tightly to my other hand.
"Tell me. Everything. He’s my world, my life, and I need to know. I HAVE to know.” Joel gulped once, and a saw a stray tear roll down his cheek. I reached out and wiped it away. He held my hand against his cheek for a long moment, before he gripped it tighter and laid our hands back down on the sheet. “Well, it’s not going to be easy for you to hear this. But it was a good thing you passed out because you didn’t have to, to, identify the body.” He paused because I was sobbing, the truth was killing me. Benji was dead. I felt a part of me dying as Joel continued. “They said it wasn’t his fault. He was doing the speed limit and everything, obeying every traffic law I’ve ever heard of. He was trying to keep himself safe, because he had you to come home to. There was an eighteen wheeler on the road, going in the other direction. The driver had been going for far too long, and he’d been drinking as well. Benj never saw it coming. The truck hit him head-on.” I was shaking uncontrollably, and Billy pulled up a chair so he could sit down and put his arms around me. I nodded to Joel to finish. “They said he was alive in the car for a good half and hour, which I don’t know how because the car is so bent up. He had to have been conscious, because a guy driving by saw the accident and he went straight for the car, and was talking to Benji until the paramedics came. He wasn’t making any sense with anything he said, but then, right before the paramedics came, he grabbed this guy by the shirt, and he spoke perfectly coherently. He told the guy, to tell you that he loved you and that he would always be with you, no matter what. The guy says it was like he knew he wasn’t going to make it. And the paramedics didn’t get there in time. They tried to resuscitate him, but, they said there was no way they could have saved him. His lungs collapsed.” I buried my head in Billy’s chest as he gripped me tighter. I felt the tears rolling off his cheeks and dropping into my hair. I felt my own tears bursting out; I couldn’t hold them in any longer. I felt my heart breaking, as realization hit me like a brick wall. Benji was never coming back. He was never coming back. I let out a fresh sob, and was surprised to hear the same sound coming from the right side of the bed. Joel had his head on my stomach, and he was weeping. I wrapped my arms around him and Billy wrapped his arms around me and we all held onto each other as our hearts beat together.
"At the end of the world,
or the last thing I see
you are never coming home:
- My Chemical Romance
*~~***~~*
The police knocked on my door an hour later. I had been worried sick. Benji had been gone for so long, and he wasn’t answering his cell. I told myself to calm down, that he was fine. That he’d be back as soon as possible. But when I saw the officers standing in the doorway, I lost it. “No, no, no!” I screamed. The police officer came towards me, arms outstretched, meaning to comfort me. “Ms. Switalski? I’m sorry, but I have to inform you…” But he never finished. “No!” I interrupted him, tears glistening in my eyes as it began to sink in. “No,” I whispered, softly, the disbelief showing in my eyes. “No.” My legs gave out from beneath me. The last thing I remembered was a rushing blackness and a sharp pain, before everything disappeared and there was comfort and the feel of strong, tattooed arms around me, and a familiar voice that whispered in my ear and soothed me.
I woke up to the beep of electronic machines. I struggled to open my eyes, until they fluttered open at last. The room I was in was a bright white, its sterile pureness interrupted by the four black-clad young men collapsed in the various chairs by my bed. Joel was slumped down in the chair nearest my bed, his hand over mine. He felt me move and stirred slightly. “Joel…” I gasped out hoarsely. His eyes flew open, they were bloodshot. He fixed them on mine. I took in his rumpled appearance and the various hospital blankets covering the other guys. “How long have you been sitting there?” He smiled a worried smile. “A few hours. The police called us right after you collapsed. We were so worried about you.” I felt a strange anger burn in my veins, “About me? You were worried about ME? Joel, did they tell you WHY I passed out? Why I’m here?” He gripped my hand tighter, and I knew he was willing me to calm down in his head and not wake the others. He wanted this moment. “Yes, they did. They said that they hadn’t even told you before you passed out. They said it seemed like you already knew, like, lovers intuition. But they told us the details, and, I don’t know if you want to hear it right now. But, yeah, we were worried about you, Kate, of course we were. We all love you.” I saw that his eyes were tear-stained and was shocked to see more tears rolling from his eyes as he spoke. I blinked back tears of my own. The anger left my voice as I stuttered out weakly, “But what about Benj?” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, breathing deep to calm himself. “I don’t think you’re up to hearing this right now.” I felt that anger welling up again. “Just tell me, dammit Joel! I deserve to know! I’m as up to it as I’ll ever be. I love him Joel, so much. With all my heart, all my soul,” my tone softened, “tell me everything you know. Please.” I heard a rustling and noticed that Billy had woken up due to my sudden outburst. He picked himself off the ground and came to stand by my other side. “Hey Katie, I guess you’re feeling better huh?” he leaned in to peck my cheek, “I think they heard that all the way down at the other end of the hall.” I smiled at him, “Wow you’re a comedic genius Billy. Really, you’ve got all the other patients in stitches.” My smile widened and we both let out a mutual chuckle, while Joel just groaned. “I don’t understand you two, you’re nuts, I swear. How two people can be sooo immature…” I cut him off. “Don’t think you can weasel out of this Joel, you are going to tell me, and you are going to tell me right now.” Billy’s eyes widened, but he knew better than to argue with me. He just reached out and gripped tightly to my other hand.
"Tell me. Everything. He’s my world, my life, and I need to know. I HAVE to know.” Joel gulped once, and a saw a stray tear roll down his cheek. I reached out and wiped it away. He held my hand against his cheek for a long moment, before he gripped it tighter and laid our hands back down on the sheet. “Well, it’s not going to be easy for you to hear this. But it was a good thing you passed out because you didn’t have to, to, identify the body.” He paused because I was sobbing, the truth was killing me. Benji was dead. I felt a part of me dying as Joel continued. “They said it wasn’t his fault. He was doing the speed limit and everything, obeying every traffic law I’ve ever heard of. He was trying to keep himself safe, because he had you to come home to. There was an eighteen wheeler on the road, going in the other direction. The driver had been going for far too long, and he’d been drinking as well. Benj never saw it coming. The truck hit him head-on.” I was shaking uncontrollably, and Billy pulled up a chair so he could sit down and put his arms around me. I nodded to Joel to finish. “They said he was alive in the car for a good half and hour, which I don’t know how because the car is so bent up. He had to have been conscious, because a guy driving by saw the accident and he went straight for the car, and was talking to Benji until the paramedics came. He wasn’t making any sense with anything he said, but then, right before the paramedics came, he grabbed this guy by the shirt, and he spoke perfectly coherently. He told the guy, to tell you that he loved you and that he would always be with you, no matter what. The guy says it was like he knew he wasn’t going to make it. And the paramedics didn’t get there in time. They tried to resuscitate him, but, they said there was no way they could have saved him. His lungs collapsed.” I buried my head in Billy’s chest as he gripped me tighter. I felt the tears rolling off his cheeks and dropping into my hair. I felt my own tears bursting out; I couldn’t hold them in any longer. I felt my heart breaking, as realization hit me like a brick wall. Benji was never coming back. He was never coming back. I let out a fresh sob, and was surprised to hear the same sound coming from the right side of the bed. Joel had his head on my stomach, and he was weeping. I wrapped my arms around him and Billy wrapped his arms around me and we all held onto each other as our hearts beat together.
Chapter 1
Chapter 1
"Summer air reminds me of,
all the feelings of your love,
and what it was like when we were together..."
- Good Charlotte
*~~***~~*
I remember the day clearly in my mind. He had a little time off between shows, and we told the rest of the guys that we’d see them later and headed off for a weekend alone. Being on tour with my best friends was the most awesome thing that had ever happened to me: seeing the world, getting to sing every night, cheering on my boys. I couldn’t ask for more. But Benji and I needed some time alone. So we decided to head for South Beach. With the top down on a rented convertible, we sped straight to the beach, forgetting even looking for a hotel. We just headed for the sun and the sand, two things we missed so much.
Suddenly he tackled me, and we both tumbled to the sand. He sat above me and gave me a lopsided smile. I laughed as I wriggled out from under him and ran down the beach. I hadn’t got very far before I felt those arms around me and we crashed down again. “Tried to get away from me, huh?” he smiled, “I think that means someone needs to be tickled!” His smile broadened as I protested, “No, no! Anything but that. Come on, no!” I squirmed as he went straight for my ribcage. “Benj, oh my God, stop!” I was yelling and scrambling, trying desperately to get away. “I give up! I give up!” He finally relaxed and collapsed on top of me chuckling. I glared at him and he gave me that lopsided grin again, sticking out his bottom lip and pouting. “I hope you enjoyed that, because you are next. And that puppy-dog look is NOT going to get you out of it.” I grinned wickedly and rolled over, pinning him beneath me. “You wouldn’t.” “Oh but I would.” I ran my hands lightly up his sides, teasing him, before I attacked his armpits. He tried his hardest to get out from under me, but I held him down, straddling him with my legs. “Katie, stop! No, not…ah, I’m sorry; I’m sorry, just stop!”
I moved my hands down to his ribs and continued my assault, but stopped when he leaned up and pressed his lips to mine. My mood went from playful to hungry and wanting in a millisecond. I gave in to the warmth of his kiss and the feel of his hands on my back. I could feel how turned on he was, and I knew I was too. He let his lips travel down over my chin and onto my neck. He nibbled down into the neck of my shirt, letting his tongue dip down into my bra, before he lay back and just watched me. “What?” He blushed. “Nothing, you’re just so beautiful. I love you.” His sincerity made me smile, “I love you too. Now let’s go find us a place to stay, you looooove machine.” His smile widened at that comment, before he rolled over so he was on top of me. He put his hands on either side of me, giving me a quick kiss before he pushed himself up. He grabbed my hand and yanked me to my feet before helping me brush the sand off my clothes. We headed back to the car and found a place to stay for the night.
Benji insisted on going out to find us some food. He said he’d be right back, that I didn’t have to go. He insinuated that I ought to make myself as comfortable as possible. Always the joker. I was standing in the doorway when he went to leave. He leaned in towards me, pressing his lips hungrily to mine, pulling me close to him. He backed me against the wall, holding me tight to him, his hands roaming down the curve of my back. “I love you,” he moaned against my lips. I finally pulled back, locking my eyes on his. “I love you too, ya big lug.” He gave me that lopsided smile again, his lip piercings glinting in the light, before he stepped out the door and into the night. Little did I know that was the last time I’d ever see my beloved.
"Summer air reminds me of,
all the feelings of your love,
and what it was like when we were together..."
- Good Charlotte
*~~***~~*
I remember the day clearly in my mind. He had a little time off between shows, and we told the rest of the guys that we’d see them later and headed off for a weekend alone. Being on tour with my best friends was the most awesome thing that had ever happened to me: seeing the world, getting to sing every night, cheering on my boys. I couldn’t ask for more. But Benji and I needed some time alone. So we decided to head for South Beach. With the top down on a rented convertible, we sped straight to the beach, forgetting even looking for a hotel. We just headed for the sun and the sand, two things we missed so much.
Suddenly he tackled me, and we both tumbled to the sand. He sat above me and gave me a lopsided smile. I laughed as I wriggled out from under him and ran down the beach. I hadn’t got very far before I felt those arms around me and we crashed down again. “Tried to get away from me, huh?” he smiled, “I think that means someone needs to be tickled!” His smile broadened as I protested, “No, no! Anything but that. Come on, no!” I squirmed as he went straight for my ribcage. “Benj, oh my God, stop!” I was yelling and scrambling, trying desperately to get away. “I give up! I give up!” He finally relaxed and collapsed on top of me chuckling. I glared at him and he gave me that lopsided grin again, sticking out his bottom lip and pouting. “I hope you enjoyed that, because you are next. And that puppy-dog look is NOT going to get you out of it.” I grinned wickedly and rolled over, pinning him beneath me. “You wouldn’t.” “Oh but I would.” I ran my hands lightly up his sides, teasing him, before I attacked his armpits. He tried his hardest to get out from under me, but I held him down, straddling him with my legs. “Katie, stop! No, not…ah, I’m sorry; I’m sorry, just stop!”
I moved my hands down to his ribs and continued my assault, but stopped when he leaned up and pressed his lips to mine. My mood went from playful to hungry and wanting in a millisecond. I gave in to the warmth of his kiss and the feel of his hands on my back. I could feel how turned on he was, and I knew I was too. He let his lips travel down over my chin and onto my neck. He nibbled down into the neck of my shirt, letting his tongue dip down into my bra, before he lay back and just watched me. “What?” He blushed. “Nothing, you’re just so beautiful. I love you.” His sincerity made me smile, “I love you too. Now let’s go find us a place to stay, you looooove machine.” His smile widened at that comment, before he rolled over so he was on top of me. He put his hands on either side of me, giving me a quick kiss before he pushed himself up. He grabbed my hand and yanked me to my feet before helping me brush the sand off my clothes. We headed back to the car and found a place to stay for the night.
Benji insisted on going out to find us some food. He said he’d be right back, that I didn’t have to go. He insinuated that I ought to make myself as comfortable as possible. Always the joker. I was standing in the doorway when he went to leave. He leaned in towards me, pressing his lips hungrily to mine, pulling me close to him. He backed me against the wall, holding me tight to him, his hands roaming down the curve of my back. “I love you,” he moaned against my lips. I finally pulled back, locking my eyes on his. “I love you too, ya big lug.” He gave me that lopsided smile again, his lip piercings glinting in the light, before he stepped out the door and into the night. Little did I know that was the last time I’d ever see my beloved.
Prologue
Prologue
"A ghost of you,
is all that i have left,
it's all that I have left of you to hold."
- Good Charlotte
*~~***~~*
I held myself close, shivering, comforting myself. “It was only a dream,” I told myself. The same thing I’d been telling myself every night for the last five months. Every time I woke up screaming and crying. It was the same nightmare, over and over. Every night I watched everything I loved and dreamed of, everything that meant something in my life, wash out to sea. Then I’d feel strong arms around me, arms I knew by memory. Every tattoo, scar, and curve embedded in my brain. Then I’d feel myself ripped from those comforting arms, and that was the last thing I knew before I woke up. Woke up to find my worst fears come true. He was gone.
"A ghost of you,
is all that i have left,
it's all that I have left of you to hold."
- Good Charlotte
*~~***~~*
I held myself close, shivering, comforting myself. “It was only a dream,” I told myself. The same thing I’d been telling myself every night for the last five months. Every time I woke up screaming and crying. It was the same nightmare, over and over. Every night I watched everything I loved and dreamed of, everything that meant something in my life, wash out to sea. Then I’d feel strong arms around me, arms I knew by memory. Every tattoo, scar, and curve embedded in my brain. Then I’d feel myself ripped from those comforting arms, and that was the last thing I knew before I woke up. Woke up to find my worst fears come true. He was gone.
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