Chapter 10:
“And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight”
- Yellowcard
*~~***~~*
Remembering Benji was great and all, and so was being with Joel, but our number one priority was the show tonight. We headed inside the MI Center for our sound check. “Yo, Paul, you got my guitar right?” Paul glared at me from across the spacious floor, “Nah, I’m not your roadie. Billy’s got it, actually.” I went skipping over to where Billy was tuning my guitar. “Billeeeeee!” He turned around, “Yes Katiieeeeeeeeee?” I laughed and jumped into his lap as he put my guitar in the case beside him. “Hi.” He wrapped his arms around me, “What, are we relieving memories or something?” I shook my head, “Nah, but maybe you’ll get lucky later.” He grinned and whispered in my ear, “But what about Joel?” Joel was glancing at us suspiciously. I waved at him and blew him a kiss. He laughed and went back to talking to Chris about what song we should open with tonight. “Don’t worry about Joel” I whispered seductively in his ear, before bursting out in laughter and hopping off his lap. “You’re crazy!” He yelled after me as I went running off to beg Paul for some of his cheeseburger.
“Aight, testing, one two three. Testing, one two three. Can you hear me out there? Throw your hands in the air, and wave ‘em like ya just don’t care!” I was incredibly giddy tonight, all worked up about the show, so Joel let me test the mikes out. “I’m kind of regretting letting you test the mikes now.” I shoved Joel off the stage. “Hey! That hurt!” I laughed, “No it didn’t, you landed on a roadie. It’s okay. He’s having the time of his life.” The roadie pushed Joel off him, mumbling something about crazy kids. Billy, Paul and Chris burst out laughing. Joel pulled himself back up on stage, “Laugh it up you guys. Laugh it up.” I couldn’t help myself, he looked so sad. I threw my arms around him, “its okay babe, I still love you. Even if you are a goof.” He mumbled something into my hair. “What was that?” He pulled back and goes, “I know. But you’re an even bigger goof.” I just eyed him, “You want me to push you off stage again?” He laughed, “Nah, I’m good. Let’s rehearse, shall we?” He grabbed the other mike and turned to the rest of the band. “So, are we gonna play The Battle of Life and Death first tonight?” Billy nodded, “Yeah that would be good to open the show.” I picked up the other mike, “Yeah I agree. Um, can we play that new song I wrote second? You know the one I’ve been working on for a while?” Joel thought about it for a minute, “Sure, we’ve already worked out all the music for it so yeah let’s do it.” I cheered and jumped up and down, throwing my arms around him. “You rock.” He laughed, “No, you rock.” I grinned, “I do, don’t I?” Everyone laughed at that and I went back to the mike.
*~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~*
Four hours later…
“My gosh that’s a lot of people. Hey, are we gonna go out and say hi to the fans before the show?” I was looking out the window at the huge crowd milling around in front of the center. Paul and Chris were standing with me, watching people buying stuff, doing things, drinking, whatever. All of a sudden, someone spotted us in the window. “Oh my god! It’s Katie and Paul and Chris!” The crowd started screaming and waving at us and holding up posters. I waved at them. They yelled even louder. “Um, I don’t know if I really wanna go down there right now.” Billy had come up behind us, and was watching the people. “Yeah, but we owe it to the fans don’t we?” Joel walked up to join us, sparking more yells from the crowd. “True, but can we wait until after the show to do the meet and greet?” I nodded. “Yeah, cuz it’s show time.”
The doors opened and the people started streaming in. We headed down to our dressing rooms. The bands who were opening for us tonight, New Found Glory and Simple Plan, were hanging out in their dressing room already. It was huge. Pierre looked up when we came in. “Hey guys, what’s happening?” I shouted “Pierre!” and bounded across the room to jump on him. I didn’t know Simple Plan had arrived yet, and I hadn’t seen Pierre in forever, so I was unbelievably excited. “Hey beautiful, how you been?” I pecked him on the cheek. “I’m good. Are you ready to do this thing?” Joel walked in and saw me straddling Pierre, “Hey what’s going on here?” I laughed, “Don’t be jealous Joel, we’re just friends. I’m an extremely affectionate person. I need to get ready anyways. I’m going to our dressing room, k?” I got up off Pierre and headed out of the room.
I got to our dressing room and went through my things, trying to find the right thing to wear. We hadn’t played a show in forever, and I wanted to look good. “Don’t worry about what you wear, you look good in anything.” I looked up to find Pierre leaning in the doorway. “What are you doing here? I need to get ready.” He smiled, “We’ve got an hour before the show starts. Do you really need that long?” I laughed. “Nah I guess not. Does Joel know you’re in here?” He shook his head. “I didn’t think so.” He sat down on the sofa, “He still doesn’t know huh?” I plopped down next to him. “No. I never told him. Never told Benji either, but it’s a bit late for that isn’t it?” While I’d been on tour with Good Charlotte a few summers back, Pierre and I had a bit of a tryst. We’d never said a word to anyone. In fact, we’d promised we would never, even on pain of death, tell anyone. He smiled sadly at me. “I miss that.” I sighed, “We can’t Pierre, I’m with Joel. It would kill him.” He got up and locked the door, “Not even a little bit?”
He kissed me, pressing me down into the couch, his hands resting on my hips. I kissed him back, scooting backwards on the couch until we were lying down. He slid his hand up under my shirt, his tongue working wonders with my own. Oh my god, this was wrong. This was so wrong. But it felt so right. He pulled my shirt up over my head, kissing his way down my neck and chest. I hooked my thumbs in his belt loops and slid his jeans off, throwing them in a heap on the floor. He found my spot, at the side of my neck, sucking gently at it, and I moaned, “Pierre, I don’t know…if I can do this.” He bit my earlobe, “Then let me do it for you.” He pulled my jeans off and let them fall on top of his. I yanked his shirt up over his head and threw it across the room. “Take me.” He pulled down my underwear with one hand, and his boxers with the other. I unsnapped my bra and let it fall off the couch, he moved his mouth up to suck my nipple. A moan was ripped from my lips as he bit down. “Oh my god, don’t stop. Don’t stop.” A mere second later, he shoved himself inside me. A muffled scream escaped from my lips where his were pressed hard. I titled my hips upwards, he slammed into me hard, pulling out and then pressing back inside. I felt the orgasm building up inside me, the hunger, the aching need, sending me closer and closer to the edge. With one last thrust, he brought me into oblivion, bringing himself along with me. He pulled out slowly. “Pierre…” I moaned into his ear, feeling him stiffen against my leg again. He gazed into my eyes, bringing his hand up to cup my breast. I shrugged away from him. “No baby, please. I need you. I need this.” He was throbbing against my leg. I had the power to take him where I pleased. I grinned as I flipped over, so that I was on top of him. He watched me with greedy eyes as I kissed my way down his body. I slowly licked along his lower stomach, feeling the muscles twitch and tighten as I did. He groaned and gripped the sides of the couch, pushing his hips upwards, his body squirming under the assault. I moved my mouth farther down, biting his hip. He swore hoarsely, gripping my head with his hands. I let my lips travel even farther, suckling at the base of his erection. He moaned louder as I took his length inside my mouth. I brought him to the very edge of reason, and then pulled away, replacing my mouth with my hot, wet core. He gripped my hips with shaking hands as I brought us both over the edge. He moaned my name as he saw stars. “Katie…that was…” I collapsed on top of him, “Amazing? I know. I’m hot, aren’t I?” He shoved my shoulder, and I rolled off him and onto the floor. “So that’s it, Pierre? You were hot now get out? God, I feel like a groupie.” He laughed. “Nah, I just meant you oughta go get ready. You have 15 minutes.” I leaped to my feet, “Holy shit! Get out! The guys are gonna be in here soon! Go!” He chuckled, giving me a quick kiss before slipping quickly out of the room.
I got in the shower quick, skipping the shampoo cuz I didn’t have time. I was out in a few minutes, toweling off fast and heading out into the other room to get my clothes. I pulled on my bra and boy-shorts, not the ones I’d been wearing before, but a new pair and went and grabbed my other clothes off the floor, stuffing them in a dirty laundry bag. Were they ever. I was bent over, going through my bags for clothing, very aware of how much butt was hanging out of my cheeky lace underwear when all of a sudden the door burst open and the sound of laughter filled the air. “Whoa!” I turned around to find Billy, Joel, Chris, and Paul standing in the doorway, mouths hanging open. “You’re gonna catch flies that way. Shut your mouths. It’s not polite to stare.” Billy punched Joel in the arm. Chris couldn’t tear his eyes away. He was the only one there who hadn’t seen me in various stages of undress, on the bus or wherever. “Damn. Joel, I hate you so much right now.” Everyone burst out laughing. I shook my booty at them, “What? You think I’m hot, Chris?” He gasped as I came over to him and rubbed my butt against him. “Yeah. Very, very hot. Damn girl, you gotta stop or I can’t be responsible for what happens next.” I laughed and threw my arms around him. “Aight. I gotta get dressed anyways.” I went back over to my suitcase and took out a brand new black tank top with the words Cinderella Punk on it, a hot pink miniskirt, a pair of black fishnet stockings and my hot pink and black Chuck Taylors. I got dressed quick and twirled around for them to see. “How do I look?” They laughed. “Amazing.” I tweaked Paul’s cheek. “Thanks babe. Let’s go, we gotta do this show.” We headed out to play. I grabbed my hot pink and black Fender guitar on the way out.
*~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***
“Hey you guys, are you ready to rock?” The crowd went crazy when Joel screamed into the mike. “Yeah, are you ready to roll? Are you ready to bounce to this, kids?” I cracked up into my mike. “Gosh Joel, you’re such a loser.” He stuck his tongue out at me. “Ain’t he sweet ladies and gents?” The crowd cheered again. “Yeah, aight we’re gonna start with this new song Katie wrote, it’s called Sympathize! Enjoy!” I played the guitar riff that started off the song.
“Welcome back to reality,
Just accept your own mortality.
Everyone is living the same lie.
Cry your tears you know we all do,
Everyone has the hard days too,
And we all hate this life.”
Joel joined in, harmonizing.
“I don’t want to go until I have to,
I don’t want to die without you,
But I accept that life moves on.”
I strummed my guitar, jumping around the stage as I yelled out the chorus,
“So I guess I should go,
So I guess I should know,
I guess I’m the odd one out again,
Once again.
I guess I’ll hide away,
Cuz one day I’ll fly away,
And leave this broken world behind,
Way far behind.
But until that day I guess I’ll stay,
Even though I don’t know why,
My life is just this way.
I guess that’s life.”
We head banged a bit as Billy and I played a crazy instrumental guitar solo. Joel started off the next verse.
“I know there’s a million reasons,
I know there’s a million seasons,
There’s a thousand things for me to say.
My heart is so full that it’s bursting,
My head is aching and I’m thirsting,
It’s just the way I want it today.”
I sang out with him,
“I don’t want to go until I have to,
I don’t want to die without you,
I’m so in love, I’m so in love with what we are...”
I riffed it up on the guitar, throwing us back into the chorus.
“So I guess I should go,
So I guess I should know,
I guess I’m the odd one out again,
Once again.
I guess I’ll hide away,
Cuz one day I’ll fly away,
And leave this broken world behind,
Way far behind.
But until that day I guess I’ll stay,
Even though I don’t know why,
My life is just this way.
I guess that’s life.”
The song came to an end, and I added the last flourish with my guitar. “Yeah! How’d you like that, kids?” They went wild. I laughed it up on the stage and we went into the next song, S.O.S. The concert went on until late in the night, and we had an absolute blast.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Monday, February 14, 2005
Chapter 9
Chapter 9:
“Memories roll in,
of the things you once did
and who you had shared them with.”
- Coheed & Cambria
"It’s something unpredictable, but in the end its right, I hope you had the time of your life…” I was bouncing around my room getting ready for HFStival. I was the happiest I had been in a while. I was 18 years old, officially, and ready to go. We’d just graduated high school, thank god. I’d been dating Benji for like 2 years now, and we were tighter than ever. “So take the photographs and still frames in your mind, hang them on a shelf in good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial…” I smiled as I looked at the tattoos on my arms. Benj had begged at his favorite tattoo parlor for them to let him do a tattoo on me. They’d relented, maybe because he’d promised he was getting a new tat that day anyway. So he’d made an awesome dragon on my right shoulder, where people could see it when I wore sleeveless tops. It had a scroll in its hands that said ‘Benji & Katie’ and underneath the dragon there was a little handwriting thing that said ‘1996 – forever’. It had nearly made me cry, it was so beautiful. I had asked the tattoo guy to do my next one, a tattoo on my left forearm, of Alice from Alice in Wonderland, my favorite movie ever. I smiled. Benj had told me that day that now I was an official riot girl. That had brought my total number of tattoos up to 5, including the butterfly on my lower back, the nautical stars on my stomach below my belly button, and the Chinese lettering on the back of my neck. I was so happy about them, and about my lip piercing, which I had gotten the day I turned 18. Benj had taken me for that one too. And the nose piercing.
“For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while…” I twirled about, in a happy daze, grabbing clothes off the bed and sorting through them, trying to find my Blondie tank top. They were playing today, and I wanted to show my love and also I just loved the shirt. I found my shirt, oh goody. Last year’s show had been awesome! Garbage had played, and Goldfinger, two bands I loved. And Jimmie’s Chicken Shack was playing this year again. I was almost entirely dressed, but still humming to myself, so I didn’t hear the door open. “It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right…” I whirled around, realizing I wasn’t alone. Someone else was singing. “I hope you had the time of your life…” I threw my arms around Benji. “Don’t sneak up on me like that!” I playfully smacked his arm. “What? You don’t like my singing?” I laughed, “You know how much I love your singing. Now, have you seen my new wristband?” He grinned sheepishly, and pulled it off his wrist. “Sorry, I stole it for a while. Didn’t think you’d notice.” I grabbed my pillow and started whacking him with it, “Thief! How dare you!” I took my wristband from him and pulled it on quickly. “So are you ready to go then?” He put on a puppy-dog look, trying to get me to forgive him quicker. “Yeah, let’s go.” I popped a kiss on his lips and grabbed my purse as I went out the door.
It was still early in the day when me, Benji, Joel, Billy and Paul got to the stadium. I was so hyped up on sheer energy; I was bouncing around the whole place like crazy. “Jees Kate, calm down, we haven’t even gotten in the pit yet. Save some of it for later.” I bounced over to Joel and jumped on him, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. “What? No way! I’m so excited!!” He laughed and gave me a squeeze before dropping me to the ground. I bounced off to Benji, hopping in circles around him. He draped an arm around me and whispered in my ear, “Calm down baby, we gotta go get good spots in the pit.” I calmed a bit and let him steer me off towards the sectioned off area. “Hey, do u guys want anything to eat? I’m starving!” Paul nudged me in the arm until I turned his way. “Um…yeah actually I am hungry. Let’s get some nourishment before we get in the pit.” We all headed off for the refreshment stands. “Hey, Katie, c’mere a second.” I wrapped an arm around Benji. “Okay, hang on a second…Hey Joel! Get me a beer wouldya? And a slice of pizza! I’ll pay you back later.” He nodded to show he’d heard me, and Benj led me off to the side. “So what did you want to talk to me about?” He just locked his eyes on mine, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me close to him. “Just this.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. I deepened the kiss, pressing myself closer to him. When we pulled away, I sighed a contented sigh. “So you just wanted an excuse to make-out? Smooth Benjamin, smooth.” He laughed and steered me back towards the refreshment stands.
I tiptoed up behind Joel and threw my hands over his eyes, “Guess who”. He yanked my hands away and turned around to hand me my beer and pizza. “Mmmm pizza.” Benji grabbed my slice and took a bite. “Hey! I had to pay for that you know!” Joel punched him in the arm. “Oh, well you want a bite too, bro?” I took my pizza back. “Thanks a lot. Now there’s like none left.” I ate the pizza anyway and before I knew it, had downed about 3 beers. “Come on you guys; let’s get in the pit quickly, before it fills up.” I laughed at Billy’s remark, but I didn’t know why. Oh yeah, I was drunk. “Ooooooook Billay!” I sauntered over to him and put my arm around his waist, “Lead the way!” He just took one look at me and grimaced, “Oh man, she’s plastered.” Benji came over and I leaned on him as we headed into the pit. We were in the pit for like 5 hours. I was on Benji’s shoulders at one point, but I kinda toppled off. “I wanna crowd surf! Throw me up Benj!” He just shook his head at me, “Not when you’re this drunk. You might hurt yourself.” I ignored him and tapped the guy next to me, “I wanna crowd surf, will you push me up there?” I smiled and batted my eyes. He grabbed me around the waist and threw me up on top of the crowd. I ended up right in front of the stage, where the security guard helped me down. Jimmie’s Chicken Shack was playing, and I started jumping up and down and yelling, “Hey Jimmie! Hey! It’s Katie!!” His face broke out in a huge grin, “Oh my gosh. Hey guys! Guess what? One of my friends is here in the mosh pit! Should we pull her on stage?” The crowd roared. He reached down and pulled me up onto the stage. He gave me a huge hug and I waved at everybody down in the pit, before I said bye to Jimmie and jumped into the crowd.
Later, when the bands were winding down, at about midnight, I pulled out my cell phone so I could call Joel and find out where the guys were. “Joel? Where are you guys?” Somebody handed me a beer and I slurped it down. “Um…me and Billy are over by the merchandise booth. But we don’t know where Paul and Benj are.” I downed another beer, “Hang on, be there in a few.” I finished drinking my beer and headed off to find the guys. When I got to the merchandise stand, Billy was the only one standing there. “Hey, Joel went off to find the others.” I nodded and slumped against him. “Billy, I love you.” He just looked at me like I was nuts. “Yeah I love you too, we all do. Now what the heck is wrong with you?” I smiled up at him, “Nothing’s wrong. I love you.” Yeah I was really drunk. Really really drunk. I leaned up against him and pressed my lips to his. He didn’t resist, even though he knew I was drunk and that this would probably get us in trouble. He kissed me back. He laced his fingers together behind my back; I wrapped my arms around his neck. We were really going at it now, making out, not just clandestine kissing. “What the f-?” I pulled away from Billy, turning around to find an enraged Benji. “Hi Benj, what’s going on?” I could practically see the steam coming out of his ears. “What’s going on? What the hell, Katie? You were making out with Billy! You little slut! And what the hell, Billy? You know that she’s dating me, what are you doing?” I glared at him, “Lighten up Benji.” He exploded. “Lighten up? You whore! I cannot believe I’m in love with you, when you’re apparently not that in love with me!” He rushed off. I just didn’t get it at that point, I was too wrecked. “What is up with him?” Joel grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. Billy pulled him off me, “Come on man, you can’t reason with her when she’s drunk. Let’s get her home. You go get Benji.” He put his arm around me and brought me back to the car, where I promptly fell asleep.
*~~***~~**~~*>
“Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine”
– Green Day<
*~~***~~*
When I came to, I was in my bed at the Madden’s house. I sat up; it was the middle of the night. I was very confused, I thought we left HSFstival at midnight…oh my gosh, was it the NEXT night? God I must have been drunk. I got up, discovering I was in my underwear. I grabbed the hoodie and jeans that were lying next to my bed and opened the door slowly. I heard voices coming from a room down the hall, the twins’ room. I crept closer to the partially open door.
“I just can’t believe she would do something like that!”
“She was drunk Benj, it didn’t mean anything.”
“Yeah but Billy wasn’t drunk and he kissed her back!”
“What else was I supposed to do? I was afraid if I pushed her away she’d walk away and get lost or hurt or something.”
“That’s not an excuse Billy! Do you have feelings for her? Cuz if you do, then you should just tell us already! Don’t do something slimy like that.”
“Maybe I felt something for her, but I know how much she loves you Benji, and I’d never try and break you guys up. It was an honest mistake to kiss her back.”
“I know you’d never break us up, and I know it was a mistake. It hurts though. I love her so much, and I thought she loved me too. But now I’m afraid that she doesn’t love me as much as I thought she did.”
“She does love you. She loves you so much. She was just really drunk and didn’t know what she was doing.”“But it still happened.”
“Yeah it did happen. But you guys need to work it out. You’re meant for each other. We all know it.”
“I don’t know if I can trust her again.”
I pushed the door open slowly, revealing Benji and Joel sitting on Benji’s bed, and Billy and Paul lounging on the floor. “Hey guys…” I smiled weakly. Benji dropped his head down into his hands. Joel gave me a weak smile. “Hi Katie. Come in.” I plopped down on the floor next to Billy, who put his arm around me. “Benj...” He wouldn’t even look at me. I crossed over to the bed and knelt in front of him. “Benji, look at me. Benjamin Levi Madden, look at me.” He looked up. “Benj I don’t even know what happened last night. I don’t remember a thing. Maybe I will later. But whatever I did, it hurt you deeply. So I’m apologizing for whatever I did that caused you so much pain.” He took my face in his hands, “You had too much to drink and you made out with Billy.” I just stared at him in shock, “Holy shit! I did that?” He nodded glumly. “Oh my god, Benji I am so sorry. You know I love you and that I would never have done that if I were sober. I’m so sorry.” I threw my arms around him. He held me, and we both shed tears. “Can you forgive me?” He pulled away from me. “I love you, so I have to. But I don’t know if I can trust you not to hurt me like that again.” I pulled him against me once more. “You’re going to have to. If you truly love me, you’ll have to believe in me.”
I looked up at the stadium, looming impressively in the sunlight. “Penny for your thoughts…” I turned to see Joel standing there. “Nothing…just remembering things.” He nodded knowingly, “The 1997 HFStival? I remember that.” I smiled as he wrapped his arms around me. “It wasn’t such a great day, the bands were awesome, but I was so afraid for a while there that I had lost Benji.” I realized the gravity of what I’d just said. “I have lost Benji.” Joel spun me around, “Nah, he’s with you always. In here.” He took my hand and placed it over my heart. “And in here.” He placed my hand over his heart. “And I still think he’s communicating silently with me sometimes, you know, in my head. Like saying take care of Katie. Make sure she’s happy. And that he loves you.” I smiled. It was a pretty picture.
“Memories roll in,
of the things you once did
and who you had shared them with.”
- Coheed & Cambria
"It’s something unpredictable, but in the end its right, I hope you had the time of your life…” I was bouncing around my room getting ready for HFStival. I was the happiest I had been in a while. I was 18 years old, officially, and ready to go. We’d just graduated high school, thank god. I’d been dating Benji for like 2 years now, and we were tighter than ever. “So take the photographs and still frames in your mind, hang them on a shelf in good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial…” I smiled as I looked at the tattoos on my arms. Benj had begged at his favorite tattoo parlor for them to let him do a tattoo on me. They’d relented, maybe because he’d promised he was getting a new tat that day anyway. So he’d made an awesome dragon on my right shoulder, where people could see it when I wore sleeveless tops. It had a scroll in its hands that said ‘Benji & Katie’ and underneath the dragon there was a little handwriting thing that said ‘1996 – forever’. It had nearly made me cry, it was so beautiful. I had asked the tattoo guy to do my next one, a tattoo on my left forearm, of Alice from Alice in Wonderland, my favorite movie ever. I smiled. Benj had told me that day that now I was an official riot girl. That had brought my total number of tattoos up to 5, including the butterfly on my lower back, the nautical stars on my stomach below my belly button, and the Chinese lettering on the back of my neck. I was so happy about them, and about my lip piercing, which I had gotten the day I turned 18. Benj had taken me for that one too. And the nose piercing.
“For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while…” I twirled about, in a happy daze, grabbing clothes off the bed and sorting through them, trying to find my Blondie tank top. They were playing today, and I wanted to show my love and also I just loved the shirt. I found my shirt, oh goody. Last year’s show had been awesome! Garbage had played, and Goldfinger, two bands I loved. And Jimmie’s Chicken Shack was playing this year again. I was almost entirely dressed, but still humming to myself, so I didn’t hear the door open. “It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right…” I whirled around, realizing I wasn’t alone. Someone else was singing. “I hope you had the time of your life…” I threw my arms around Benji. “Don’t sneak up on me like that!” I playfully smacked his arm. “What? You don’t like my singing?” I laughed, “You know how much I love your singing. Now, have you seen my new wristband?” He grinned sheepishly, and pulled it off his wrist. “Sorry, I stole it for a while. Didn’t think you’d notice.” I grabbed my pillow and started whacking him with it, “Thief! How dare you!” I took my wristband from him and pulled it on quickly. “So are you ready to go then?” He put on a puppy-dog look, trying to get me to forgive him quicker. “Yeah, let’s go.” I popped a kiss on his lips and grabbed my purse as I went out the door.
It was still early in the day when me, Benji, Joel, Billy and Paul got to the stadium. I was so hyped up on sheer energy; I was bouncing around the whole place like crazy. “Jees Kate, calm down, we haven’t even gotten in the pit yet. Save some of it for later.” I bounced over to Joel and jumped on him, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. “What? No way! I’m so excited!!” He laughed and gave me a squeeze before dropping me to the ground. I bounced off to Benji, hopping in circles around him. He draped an arm around me and whispered in my ear, “Calm down baby, we gotta go get good spots in the pit.” I calmed a bit and let him steer me off towards the sectioned off area. “Hey, do u guys want anything to eat? I’m starving!” Paul nudged me in the arm until I turned his way. “Um…yeah actually I am hungry. Let’s get some nourishment before we get in the pit.” We all headed off for the refreshment stands. “Hey, Katie, c’mere a second.” I wrapped an arm around Benji. “Okay, hang on a second…Hey Joel! Get me a beer wouldya? And a slice of pizza! I’ll pay you back later.” He nodded to show he’d heard me, and Benj led me off to the side. “So what did you want to talk to me about?” He just locked his eyes on mine, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me close to him. “Just this.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. I deepened the kiss, pressing myself closer to him. When we pulled away, I sighed a contented sigh. “So you just wanted an excuse to make-out? Smooth Benjamin, smooth.” He laughed and steered me back towards the refreshment stands.
I tiptoed up behind Joel and threw my hands over his eyes, “Guess who”. He yanked my hands away and turned around to hand me my beer and pizza. “Mmmm pizza.” Benji grabbed my slice and took a bite. “Hey! I had to pay for that you know!” Joel punched him in the arm. “Oh, well you want a bite too, bro?” I took my pizza back. “Thanks a lot. Now there’s like none left.” I ate the pizza anyway and before I knew it, had downed about 3 beers. “Come on you guys; let’s get in the pit quickly, before it fills up.” I laughed at Billy’s remark, but I didn’t know why. Oh yeah, I was drunk. “Ooooooook Billay!” I sauntered over to him and put my arm around his waist, “Lead the way!” He just took one look at me and grimaced, “Oh man, she’s plastered.” Benji came over and I leaned on him as we headed into the pit. We were in the pit for like 5 hours. I was on Benji’s shoulders at one point, but I kinda toppled off. “I wanna crowd surf! Throw me up Benj!” He just shook his head at me, “Not when you’re this drunk. You might hurt yourself.” I ignored him and tapped the guy next to me, “I wanna crowd surf, will you push me up there?” I smiled and batted my eyes. He grabbed me around the waist and threw me up on top of the crowd. I ended up right in front of the stage, where the security guard helped me down. Jimmie’s Chicken Shack was playing, and I started jumping up and down and yelling, “Hey Jimmie! Hey! It’s Katie!!” His face broke out in a huge grin, “Oh my gosh. Hey guys! Guess what? One of my friends is here in the mosh pit! Should we pull her on stage?” The crowd roared. He reached down and pulled me up onto the stage. He gave me a huge hug and I waved at everybody down in the pit, before I said bye to Jimmie and jumped into the crowd.
Later, when the bands were winding down, at about midnight, I pulled out my cell phone so I could call Joel and find out where the guys were. “Joel? Where are you guys?” Somebody handed me a beer and I slurped it down. “Um…me and Billy are over by the merchandise booth. But we don’t know where Paul and Benj are.” I downed another beer, “Hang on, be there in a few.” I finished drinking my beer and headed off to find the guys. When I got to the merchandise stand, Billy was the only one standing there. “Hey, Joel went off to find the others.” I nodded and slumped against him. “Billy, I love you.” He just looked at me like I was nuts. “Yeah I love you too, we all do. Now what the heck is wrong with you?” I smiled up at him, “Nothing’s wrong. I love you.” Yeah I was really drunk. Really really drunk. I leaned up against him and pressed my lips to his. He didn’t resist, even though he knew I was drunk and that this would probably get us in trouble. He kissed me back. He laced his fingers together behind my back; I wrapped my arms around his neck. We were really going at it now, making out, not just clandestine kissing. “What the f-?” I pulled away from Billy, turning around to find an enraged Benji. “Hi Benj, what’s going on?” I could practically see the steam coming out of his ears. “What’s going on? What the hell, Katie? You were making out with Billy! You little slut! And what the hell, Billy? You know that she’s dating me, what are you doing?” I glared at him, “Lighten up Benji.” He exploded. “Lighten up? You whore! I cannot believe I’m in love with you, when you’re apparently not that in love with me!” He rushed off. I just didn’t get it at that point, I was too wrecked. “What is up with him?” Joel grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. Billy pulled him off me, “Come on man, you can’t reason with her when she’s drunk. Let’s get her home. You go get Benji.” He put his arm around me and brought me back to the car, where I promptly fell asleep.
*~~***~~**~~*>
“Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine”
– Green Day<
*~~***~~*
When I came to, I was in my bed at the Madden’s house. I sat up; it was the middle of the night. I was very confused, I thought we left HSFstival at midnight…oh my gosh, was it the NEXT night? God I must have been drunk. I got up, discovering I was in my underwear. I grabbed the hoodie and jeans that were lying next to my bed and opened the door slowly. I heard voices coming from a room down the hall, the twins’ room. I crept closer to the partially open door.
“I just can’t believe she would do something like that!”
“She was drunk Benj, it didn’t mean anything.”
“Yeah but Billy wasn’t drunk and he kissed her back!”
“What else was I supposed to do? I was afraid if I pushed her away she’d walk away and get lost or hurt or something.”
“That’s not an excuse Billy! Do you have feelings for her? Cuz if you do, then you should just tell us already! Don’t do something slimy like that.”
“Maybe I felt something for her, but I know how much she loves you Benji, and I’d never try and break you guys up. It was an honest mistake to kiss her back.”
“I know you’d never break us up, and I know it was a mistake. It hurts though. I love her so much, and I thought she loved me too. But now I’m afraid that she doesn’t love me as much as I thought she did.”
“She does love you. She loves you so much. She was just really drunk and didn’t know what she was doing.”“But it still happened.”
“Yeah it did happen. But you guys need to work it out. You’re meant for each other. We all know it.”
“I don’t know if I can trust her again.”
I pushed the door open slowly, revealing Benji and Joel sitting on Benji’s bed, and Billy and Paul lounging on the floor. “Hey guys…” I smiled weakly. Benji dropped his head down into his hands. Joel gave me a weak smile. “Hi Katie. Come in.” I plopped down on the floor next to Billy, who put his arm around me. “Benj...” He wouldn’t even look at me. I crossed over to the bed and knelt in front of him. “Benji, look at me. Benjamin Levi Madden, look at me.” He looked up. “Benj I don’t even know what happened last night. I don’t remember a thing. Maybe I will later. But whatever I did, it hurt you deeply. So I’m apologizing for whatever I did that caused you so much pain.” He took my face in his hands, “You had too much to drink and you made out with Billy.” I just stared at him in shock, “Holy shit! I did that?” He nodded glumly. “Oh my god, Benji I am so sorry. You know I love you and that I would never have done that if I were sober. I’m so sorry.” I threw my arms around him. He held me, and we both shed tears. “Can you forgive me?” He pulled away from me. “I love you, so I have to. But I don’t know if I can trust you not to hurt me like that again.” I pulled him against me once more. “You’re going to have to. If you truly love me, you’ll have to believe in me.”
I looked up at the stadium, looming impressively in the sunlight. “Penny for your thoughts…” I turned to see Joel standing there. “Nothing…just remembering things.” He nodded knowingly, “The 1997 HFStival? I remember that.” I smiled as he wrapped his arms around me. “It wasn’t such a great day, the bands were awesome, but I was so afraid for a while there that I had lost Benji.” I realized the gravity of what I’d just said. “I have lost Benji.” Joel spun me around, “Nah, he’s with you always. In here.” He took my hand and placed it over my heart. “And in here.” He placed my hand over his heart. “And I still think he’s communicating silently with me sometimes, you know, in my head. Like saying take care of Katie. Make sure she’s happy. And that he loves you.” I smiled. It was a pretty picture.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Chapter 8
Chapter 8
"Asleep at the wheel 40 miles left to go
rollin' in on fumes to rock the show"
- MxPx
*~~***~~*
I woke up to what sounded like an entire building being demolished next to my ear. “What the hell?” I rolled out of bed and ran for the bus door. The building next to us had suddenly burst into flames. Holy shit. “Joel! Billy! Paul! Chris!” I ran back towards the bunks screaming at the top of my lungs. “Wake up, goddamnit! The hotel just went up in smoke! Wake up!” I pulled back the curtains on Billy and Paul’s bunks. Who gave a damn if they were decent, this was an emergency. Billy squinted into the light, “What the…” I didn’t let him finish, I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him over to the door. “Hello? Hotel in flames here! Let’s get a move on!! Wake Chris up, I’ll get Joel.” Paul emerged from the back lounge, wavering on his feet, trying to make sense of what was going on. Billy grabbed him and started explaining as I rushed to my bunk to wake Joel.
“Joel, get up, now! The hotel’s on…” I trailed off. Joel wasn’t in my bunk. I rushed over to his bunk, pulling the curtain back. No Joel. Oh god no. Please no. I went rushing for the front of the bus. “I can’t find Joel. Have you seen him?” They all shook their heads, and then leaped into action, checking every corner of the bus trying to find him. Please God, don’t let this be happening. Let him be fine. Let him be here. Don’t do this to me. The words chanted themselves over and over in my head. I heard a muffled snort from above me. It came from Benji’s old bunk. I rushed for the ladder, climbing up it in about two steps and throwing the curtain back. “Joel! Oh my god, you scared the crap out of me! Don’t ever, ever do that again! Why weren’t you in our bunk you dumbass?” He was still half asleep and looking at me like I’d just gone totally nuts on him, which I kind of had. I threw my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He hugged me back and then just gave me a questioning look. “Oh, yeah. By the way, while you were sleeping, the hotel caught on fire! Now get up, we gotta do something!” I stumbled down the ladder, he leaped off it behind me and we were out the door in a few seconds to join the others. We stood there for a second, trying to figure out what to do, before rushing off in different directions. Joel, Billy and me went running towards the hotel, to try and help get people out. Paul had his cell phone out and dialing 911. Chris went to wake up our bus driver.
Suddenly, the entire hotel exploded. And I mean exploded. It seemed to happen in slow motion. Billy saw it coming first, and yelled. “Go back! Go back! Get down!” Joel grabbed my arm and yanked me back towards the bus. I grabbed Billy with my other arm, pulling him after me. The three of us hit the ground somewhere behind the bus, rolling to a stop. The boom that came from the hotel was deafening. Paul and Chris hit the ground next to us, covering their heads. Joel and Billy threw themselves on top of me, and I found myself covering their faces with my hands. God, no, don’t let this be happening. Pieces of hotel and random shit started falling down all around us. Joel tightened his grip around me. The world turned black as night. I closed my eyes and prayed.
When it was over, we all got up to survey the damage. The bus driver had woken up when he heard the explosion, and luckily the bus hadn’t been damaged. Joel helped me up and we went to make sure everyone was alright. Chris had been hit with a piece of flying something and had a cut on his shoulder, but other than that we were all okay. Paul went to get the first aid kit to bandage Chris’ shoulder. We didn’t know what to do really. Should we stay, and wait for authorities to get there? Or just leave? We decided to stay. Paul had already called 911, and about 5 minutes later the fire trucks and ambulances showed up. They put out the fire and then a bunch of investigators were sent in to determine what had happened. They let us get back on the bus, but held us there until the cause was determined. They were afraid whoever had done this to the hotel was after us.
A few hours later, a policewoman came onto the bus and told us the grim news. “Well, we’ve determined the cause of the explosion was a bomb detonated from inside the basement of the hotel. It was a two part bomb, which is why you saw two explosions. We’ve found enough evidence to link it to a felon. We believe he is after you. Now, don’t panic. We’re sure nothing more should happen. We’ve got the whole country on alert to find this guy. And we’re giving you an armed escort to your concert tomorrow night. You guys are gonna be safe as you can be.” The whole time she was speaking, I was clutching Joel so tight I was surprised he hadn’t lost circulation to his arm. I realized it and loosened my grip. We were all freaked out. The police officer told us we were free to leave, and that there were police cars that would be following us. The bus driver started up the bus.
None of us had moved. I let my head fall down to Joel’s shoulder. “Why us? Why is everything happening to us? Do you hate me God?” I looked over at Joel with morbid fascination, “Why would God hate you? Did you do something to piss this guy off? It’s not your fault.” He sighed and laid his head on top of mine. “I guess not, but it sure feels like it.” I rubbed my thumb over the palm of his hand, “Relax. We’ve got an escort. We’re going to be okay.” Billy looked up from where he had his head in his hands. “Going to be okay? Going to be okay? Katie, some madman just blew up the hotel whose parking lot we were in! We are not okay!” Paul looked over at him like he’d just sprouted another head. We weren’t used to Billy acting this way. “I say…we’ve only got one life to live…and we should live it to the fullest. Even if some madman is after us.” I turned to look at Chris, who had been silent until now. He grinned at me and I looped an arm around his shoulders. “Exactly. I’m not afraid of death. It’d be a cake walk next to the shit we’ve all been through. Accept your mortality and let’s just live it up! Come on, what are we gonna do, sit around and obsess? Bite our nails and get really paranoid? Okay, either the guy kills us or he doesn’t. And by the looks of that escort, I’m thinking he doesn’t have much of a chance. Lighten up.”
Billy looked at me, and I don’t think I have ever seen such a look. It was full of hatred and anger, and I got the feeling that he could see right through me, down to my very soul. I was shaken by that look. I found myself shivering. “I know you’re scared Katie. Admit it. Don’t give me that ‘let’s live life to the fullest’ crap. You’re as scared as I am.” I let my arm drop from around Chris’ shoulder. “Of course I’m scared! But just being scared all the time is not going to help us! Would it have helped me to just be scared when my dad started hitting me? Should I have just stood there, quaking, and accepted it? Bullshit! I ran away the first chance I got. You know that, you were there when it all happened. Halfway through senior year. And you guys helped me through. And, yeah, I was scared to go to the police. And I was scared to tell them what was going on. I was scared to death. How easy would it have been for my dad to track me down and hurt me more? How easy? But if I never told, he wouldn’t be behind bars right now, and he might have done worse to me. Would it have better if I was just scared and let him kill me Billy?”
The gleam in his eyes was gone. There was a look of fear there that I knew was in my eyes as well. “I don’t wanna fight with you anymore. I know we need to just calm down and shit but I’m scared. I’m terrified. I don’t want to lose anyone else.” I got up and went to where he was sitting, kneeling at his feet. “I know. We all know. More than anyone else, we know. We’ve all lost someone. Some of us have lost more than others. But we all keep going. You know why? Because life is worth it. And if it comes down to it, I’ll protect you Billy. I’ll put my own life on the line, for any of you. I would gladly sacrifice myself for you guys.” He reached out and drew me into a gentle embrace. I hugged him back. When we pulled away, he smiled at me. “Well, how about some video games then?” I punched him in the shoulder, “is that all you think about?” He waggled his eyebrows at me, “it’s not all I think about.” He looked me up and down slowly, and I grabbed a pillow off the nearest bed and chased him up and down the aisle of the tour bus, whacking him repeatedly with it.
*~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~*
"Here I go, scream my lungs out
and try to get to you.
You are my only one.
I let go, there's just no one
that gets me like you do.
You are my only, my only one"
- Yellowcard
*~~***~~*
We were on the bus all night and early into the morning. When we pulled into our first stop on the new tour, Waldorf, I was sleeping in my bunk with my arms curled around Joel. “Hey, get up, we’re home!” I stirred at the sound of Paul’s voice, but the meaning didn’t sink in. A few seconds later, I realized it. I nudged Joel, “we’re home! We’re finally home!” He smiled and gave me a quick kiss. “Well? Let’s get a move on sleepyhead!” He scowled at me and rolled out of the bunk. I was up in a flash, grabbing clothing and yanking my pajamas off, regardless of who might see me. I was in just my underwear and bra when Billy threw the curtain back on his bunk. “Whoa, I could get used to seeing that every time I wake up. Joel! You lucky bastard!” I smirked and shoved him back into the bunk, pulling on my jeans and shirt quickly. I rushed to the front of the bus to grab my Chucks and plunked down on a chair to pull them on. Paul was jumping up and down with excitement in the doorway of the bus. “Come on, come on come on! Let’s go, let’s go!” He turned to go out the bus door and I jumped on his back. “Yeah Paul let’s go, let’s go! I want a piggyback ride!” He stumbled down the steps and started running around in circles, bouncing me up and down on his back. “Are you two done? Cuz we really want to go say hi to everybody, you know.” I slid off Paul’s back, “Jealous, Chris?” I went right up to him and stood about two inches from his nose. He just looked at me and then blew air in my face. “We all are,” he looked straight at Joel, “you’re a lucky man”. Joel grinned, “I am, aren’t I?”
He let his eyes stray down the length of me and then back up. I sashayed over to him and put my hands on his hips. “You better believe it.” The smile disappeared from his face, and he leaned in, pressing his lips to mine and wrapping his arms around my waist. He deepened it, prying my lips open with his tongue. I moaned his name against his lips and his hand came up to cup my breast before he released me. “Damn. You are lucky.” We turned around and realized the rest of the guys were watching us. “Okay, let’s go and see everybody!” We headed to the rental car that was waiting, a nice SUV big enough for all of us. “I wanna drive! I wanna drive!” I went running for the driver’s side, pulling the door open and hopping in. Joel got in the passenger seat and threw me the keys while Billy, Paul and Chris got in the backseat. “Watch out, Katie’s driving! Get off the road!” I shot Billy a dirty look, “I’ll get you. You better watch out.” He waggled his eyebrows at me but was quiet.
I drove us down towards the neighborhood where our families still lived. I parked the car in the driveway of Mrs. Madden’s house. Joel leaped out of the car and went running for the front door. “MOM!! We’re home!! MOM!!” The door flew open and Robin stepped out to meet her son. It was a touching moment, but he almost bowled her over. We laughed and decided to split up so we could say hi to everyone at once. Billy and Paul got out, heading for their respective houses. Chris went with Billy, since his family lived in Utah. I turned the car off and got out. “Katie! Oh my gosh it’s so nice to see you. It’s been so long.” I was enfolded in Robin’s arms. “Hi mom. How are you?” I had spent the last half of senior year living with the Maddens, but even before then I had been a permanent fixture at the house, so she had always told me to call her mom. We headed inside. Joel went into the kitchen with his mom to get drinks.
I stood and looked at the pictures on the mantelpiece. There was one of the twins as babies, with Josh holding them. There was another one, taken shortly after I had met the twins, when we were all in 8th grade. I was sitting in the middle of the two of them, and they both had their arms around me and their heads on my shoulder. My god, we were all so young back then. There was another one, taken after Benji and I had finally confessed our love for each other. I was sitting on his lap with my arms around his neck, and though I was staring at the camera, he was looking at me. I smiled at that one. That was sophomore year, the beginning of it. Gosh it seemed so long ago. There was a very recent picture, taken when we’d been back home for a while, before the accident. It was of Benji and Joel, sitting on the couch. I was sitting on both their laps, in the middle, with my arms around them. They were both kissing my cheeks, and I was laughing. That one made me tear up a bit.
“That’s one of my favorites too.” I whirled around and found Joel watching me. “Hey. I kinda got caught up in remembering all those times.” He walked over to stand next to me. “I remember this one,” he pointed at a picture, from when we’d gone to visit Islands of Adventure a couple of years ago. It was taken of us on the Jurassic Park water ride. I was sitting in between them, and we all had looks of mock horror on our faces, as if the T-rex had actually scared us. Benji had thrown an arm around me, and Joel had his arms up in the air. I had a look on my face that was between horror and sheer glee. I remembered that day. It was one of the best. “I remember that. And I remember the Cat in the Hat ride too. That was really fun.” I laughed at his comment, remembering.
“Hey, let’s go on this one! I love the Cat in the Hat!” Benji gave me a puppy-dog pout, but I pretended like it wasn’t working on me. Finally I gave in, because Joel joined in with his own puppy face. We got in line and finally it was our turn. We smushed ourselves into the front seat of the car, though it was made for two people. We never listened to anyone. I smiled; here I was in between the two again. Never a bad thing. The ride started going and I was surprised to find myself enjoying it. Maybe because every time the ride turned, I ended up falling on top of either Benj or Joel. “I hope you two are having fun Cuz this is making me dizzy.” They laughed at me. “If you keep falling on us, I’m sure we'll be just fine "I attempted to punch Joel in the arm, missed, and fell across his lap. “Oh yeah baby. Don’t move.”
I looked up at him and reached up, pulling his face down to mine, like I was going to kiss him. Instead, I let my lips get very close to his, and then pulled away laughing. “Tease.” I gave him a shocked look as I tried to keep myself from falling again. “No, I’m just dating your brother. Who’s sitting on the other side of me.” He looked over like he hadn’t known that. “So if he wasn’t here…” I glanced at Benj, who was watching, interested. “Then I would definitely do you, right here, right now.” Joel’s eyes widened. “Really?” I was giggling. I stopped when I saw the look on Benji’s face. “Yeah. But don’t look so sad Benji, if Joel wasn’t here, I would do you right now.” He smiled broadly and kissed me quickly. The ride turned again and I fell across Benji’s lap. “Wow this ride is fun. Don’t you agree, Joel?” I poked Benji in the stomach, and then felt arms around me from the other side. Joel had his hands moving up towards my breasts. Benji, on the other side, was kissing me deeply. I was surprised to find myself liking this. It was probably wrong, but who cared. I kissed Benji, moaning against his lips. Joel was practically humping me from behind, his arms tight around me. I didn’t even try to resist, I just let them do what they wanted. It felt so good. Suddenly, the ride came to a stop. It was over. I broke the kiss, and wriggled out of Joel’s grasp. “Dammit. So close.” I pushed Joel out of the car, “in your dreams, stud.” I took both Joel and Benji’s hands in mine and skipped between them as we headed back outside.
“Yeah. That was a fun ride.” Joel wrapped his arms around me from behind. I turned my head and pressed my lips to his. “Hey, you two. The guys are waiting outside.” We pulled away from each other, turning to see Mrs. Madden smiling at us. “Okay mom, we’ll see you later tonight okay?” She nodded and went to hug Joel once more. Then she hugged me. We headed out to the SUV to meet up with the others. Billy was sitting on the hood. “Ready to go? We gotta get to sound check for the show tonight.” I twirled the keys in my hands. “Let’s go boys.”
"Asleep at the wheel 40 miles left to go
rollin' in on fumes to rock the show"
- MxPx
*~~***~~*
I woke up to what sounded like an entire building being demolished next to my ear. “What the hell?” I rolled out of bed and ran for the bus door. The building next to us had suddenly burst into flames. Holy shit. “Joel! Billy! Paul! Chris!” I ran back towards the bunks screaming at the top of my lungs. “Wake up, goddamnit! The hotel just went up in smoke! Wake up!” I pulled back the curtains on Billy and Paul’s bunks. Who gave a damn if they were decent, this was an emergency. Billy squinted into the light, “What the…” I didn’t let him finish, I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him over to the door. “Hello? Hotel in flames here! Let’s get a move on!! Wake Chris up, I’ll get Joel.” Paul emerged from the back lounge, wavering on his feet, trying to make sense of what was going on. Billy grabbed him and started explaining as I rushed to my bunk to wake Joel.
“Joel, get up, now! The hotel’s on…” I trailed off. Joel wasn’t in my bunk. I rushed over to his bunk, pulling the curtain back. No Joel. Oh god no. Please no. I went rushing for the front of the bus. “I can’t find Joel. Have you seen him?” They all shook their heads, and then leaped into action, checking every corner of the bus trying to find him. Please God, don’t let this be happening. Let him be fine. Let him be here. Don’t do this to me. The words chanted themselves over and over in my head. I heard a muffled snort from above me. It came from Benji’s old bunk. I rushed for the ladder, climbing up it in about two steps and throwing the curtain back. “Joel! Oh my god, you scared the crap out of me! Don’t ever, ever do that again! Why weren’t you in our bunk you dumbass?” He was still half asleep and looking at me like I’d just gone totally nuts on him, which I kind of had. I threw my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He hugged me back and then just gave me a questioning look. “Oh, yeah. By the way, while you were sleeping, the hotel caught on fire! Now get up, we gotta do something!” I stumbled down the ladder, he leaped off it behind me and we were out the door in a few seconds to join the others. We stood there for a second, trying to figure out what to do, before rushing off in different directions. Joel, Billy and me went running towards the hotel, to try and help get people out. Paul had his cell phone out and dialing 911. Chris went to wake up our bus driver.
Suddenly, the entire hotel exploded. And I mean exploded. It seemed to happen in slow motion. Billy saw it coming first, and yelled. “Go back! Go back! Get down!” Joel grabbed my arm and yanked me back towards the bus. I grabbed Billy with my other arm, pulling him after me. The three of us hit the ground somewhere behind the bus, rolling to a stop. The boom that came from the hotel was deafening. Paul and Chris hit the ground next to us, covering their heads. Joel and Billy threw themselves on top of me, and I found myself covering their faces with my hands. God, no, don’t let this be happening. Pieces of hotel and random shit started falling down all around us. Joel tightened his grip around me. The world turned black as night. I closed my eyes and prayed.
When it was over, we all got up to survey the damage. The bus driver had woken up when he heard the explosion, and luckily the bus hadn’t been damaged. Joel helped me up and we went to make sure everyone was alright. Chris had been hit with a piece of flying something and had a cut on his shoulder, but other than that we were all okay. Paul went to get the first aid kit to bandage Chris’ shoulder. We didn’t know what to do really. Should we stay, and wait for authorities to get there? Or just leave? We decided to stay. Paul had already called 911, and about 5 minutes later the fire trucks and ambulances showed up. They put out the fire and then a bunch of investigators were sent in to determine what had happened. They let us get back on the bus, but held us there until the cause was determined. They were afraid whoever had done this to the hotel was after us.
A few hours later, a policewoman came onto the bus and told us the grim news. “Well, we’ve determined the cause of the explosion was a bomb detonated from inside the basement of the hotel. It was a two part bomb, which is why you saw two explosions. We’ve found enough evidence to link it to a felon. We believe he is after you. Now, don’t panic. We’re sure nothing more should happen. We’ve got the whole country on alert to find this guy. And we’re giving you an armed escort to your concert tomorrow night. You guys are gonna be safe as you can be.” The whole time she was speaking, I was clutching Joel so tight I was surprised he hadn’t lost circulation to his arm. I realized it and loosened my grip. We were all freaked out. The police officer told us we were free to leave, and that there were police cars that would be following us. The bus driver started up the bus.
None of us had moved. I let my head fall down to Joel’s shoulder. “Why us? Why is everything happening to us? Do you hate me God?” I looked over at Joel with morbid fascination, “Why would God hate you? Did you do something to piss this guy off? It’s not your fault.” He sighed and laid his head on top of mine. “I guess not, but it sure feels like it.” I rubbed my thumb over the palm of his hand, “Relax. We’ve got an escort. We’re going to be okay.” Billy looked up from where he had his head in his hands. “Going to be okay? Going to be okay? Katie, some madman just blew up the hotel whose parking lot we were in! We are not okay!” Paul looked over at him like he’d just sprouted another head. We weren’t used to Billy acting this way. “I say…we’ve only got one life to live…and we should live it to the fullest. Even if some madman is after us.” I turned to look at Chris, who had been silent until now. He grinned at me and I looped an arm around his shoulders. “Exactly. I’m not afraid of death. It’d be a cake walk next to the shit we’ve all been through. Accept your mortality and let’s just live it up! Come on, what are we gonna do, sit around and obsess? Bite our nails and get really paranoid? Okay, either the guy kills us or he doesn’t. And by the looks of that escort, I’m thinking he doesn’t have much of a chance. Lighten up.”
Billy looked at me, and I don’t think I have ever seen such a look. It was full of hatred and anger, and I got the feeling that he could see right through me, down to my very soul. I was shaken by that look. I found myself shivering. “I know you’re scared Katie. Admit it. Don’t give me that ‘let’s live life to the fullest’ crap. You’re as scared as I am.” I let my arm drop from around Chris’ shoulder. “Of course I’m scared! But just being scared all the time is not going to help us! Would it have helped me to just be scared when my dad started hitting me? Should I have just stood there, quaking, and accepted it? Bullshit! I ran away the first chance I got. You know that, you were there when it all happened. Halfway through senior year. And you guys helped me through. And, yeah, I was scared to go to the police. And I was scared to tell them what was going on. I was scared to death. How easy would it have been for my dad to track me down and hurt me more? How easy? But if I never told, he wouldn’t be behind bars right now, and he might have done worse to me. Would it have better if I was just scared and let him kill me Billy?”
The gleam in his eyes was gone. There was a look of fear there that I knew was in my eyes as well. “I don’t wanna fight with you anymore. I know we need to just calm down and shit but I’m scared. I’m terrified. I don’t want to lose anyone else.” I got up and went to where he was sitting, kneeling at his feet. “I know. We all know. More than anyone else, we know. We’ve all lost someone. Some of us have lost more than others. But we all keep going. You know why? Because life is worth it. And if it comes down to it, I’ll protect you Billy. I’ll put my own life on the line, for any of you. I would gladly sacrifice myself for you guys.” He reached out and drew me into a gentle embrace. I hugged him back. When we pulled away, he smiled at me. “Well, how about some video games then?” I punched him in the shoulder, “is that all you think about?” He waggled his eyebrows at me, “it’s not all I think about.” He looked me up and down slowly, and I grabbed a pillow off the nearest bed and chased him up and down the aisle of the tour bus, whacking him repeatedly with it.
*~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~*
"Here I go, scream my lungs out
and try to get to you.
You are my only one.
I let go, there's just no one
that gets me like you do.
You are my only, my only one"
- Yellowcard
*~~***~~*
We were on the bus all night and early into the morning. When we pulled into our first stop on the new tour, Waldorf, I was sleeping in my bunk with my arms curled around Joel. “Hey, get up, we’re home!” I stirred at the sound of Paul’s voice, but the meaning didn’t sink in. A few seconds later, I realized it. I nudged Joel, “we’re home! We’re finally home!” He smiled and gave me a quick kiss. “Well? Let’s get a move on sleepyhead!” He scowled at me and rolled out of the bunk. I was up in a flash, grabbing clothing and yanking my pajamas off, regardless of who might see me. I was in just my underwear and bra when Billy threw the curtain back on his bunk. “Whoa, I could get used to seeing that every time I wake up. Joel! You lucky bastard!” I smirked and shoved him back into the bunk, pulling on my jeans and shirt quickly. I rushed to the front of the bus to grab my Chucks and plunked down on a chair to pull them on. Paul was jumping up and down with excitement in the doorway of the bus. “Come on, come on come on! Let’s go, let’s go!” He turned to go out the bus door and I jumped on his back. “Yeah Paul let’s go, let’s go! I want a piggyback ride!” He stumbled down the steps and started running around in circles, bouncing me up and down on his back. “Are you two done? Cuz we really want to go say hi to everybody, you know.” I slid off Paul’s back, “Jealous, Chris?” I went right up to him and stood about two inches from his nose. He just looked at me and then blew air in my face. “We all are,” he looked straight at Joel, “you’re a lucky man”. Joel grinned, “I am, aren’t I?”
He let his eyes stray down the length of me and then back up. I sashayed over to him and put my hands on his hips. “You better believe it.” The smile disappeared from his face, and he leaned in, pressing his lips to mine and wrapping his arms around my waist. He deepened it, prying my lips open with his tongue. I moaned his name against his lips and his hand came up to cup my breast before he released me. “Damn. You are lucky.” We turned around and realized the rest of the guys were watching us. “Okay, let’s go and see everybody!” We headed to the rental car that was waiting, a nice SUV big enough for all of us. “I wanna drive! I wanna drive!” I went running for the driver’s side, pulling the door open and hopping in. Joel got in the passenger seat and threw me the keys while Billy, Paul and Chris got in the backseat. “Watch out, Katie’s driving! Get off the road!” I shot Billy a dirty look, “I’ll get you. You better watch out.” He waggled his eyebrows at me but was quiet.
I drove us down towards the neighborhood where our families still lived. I parked the car in the driveway of Mrs. Madden’s house. Joel leaped out of the car and went running for the front door. “MOM!! We’re home!! MOM!!” The door flew open and Robin stepped out to meet her son. It was a touching moment, but he almost bowled her over. We laughed and decided to split up so we could say hi to everyone at once. Billy and Paul got out, heading for their respective houses. Chris went with Billy, since his family lived in Utah. I turned the car off and got out. “Katie! Oh my gosh it’s so nice to see you. It’s been so long.” I was enfolded in Robin’s arms. “Hi mom. How are you?” I had spent the last half of senior year living with the Maddens, but even before then I had been a permanent fixture at the house, so she had always told me to call her mom. We headed inside. Joel went into the kitchen with his mom to get drinks.
I stood and looked at the pictures on the mantelpiece. There was one of the twins as babies, with Josh holding them. There was another one, taken shortly after I had met the twins, when we were all in 8th grade. I was sitting in the middle of the two of them, and they both had their arms around me and their heads on my shoulder. My god, we were all so young back then. There was another one, taken after Benji and I had finally confessed our love for each other. I was sitting on his lap with my arms around his neck, and though I was staring at the camera, he was looking at me. I smiled at that one. That was sophomore year, the beginning of it. Gosh it seemed so long ago. There was a very recent picture, taken when we’d been back home for a while, before the accident. It was of Benji and Joel, sitting on the couch. I was sitting on both their laps, in the middle, with my arms around them. They were both kissing my cheeks, and I was laughing. That one made me tear up a bit.
“That’s one of my favorites too.” I whirled around and found Joel watching me. “Hey. I kinda got caught up in remembering all those times.” He walked over to stand next to me. “I remember this one,” he pointed at a picture, from when we’d gone to visit Islands of Adventure a couple of years ago. It was taken of us on the Jurassic Park water ride. I was sitting in between them, and we all had looks of mock horror on our faces, as if the T-rex had actually scared us. Benji had thrown an arm around me, and Joel had his arms up in the air. I had a look on my face that was between horror and sheer glee. I remembered that day. It was one of the best. “I remember that. And I remember the Cat in the Hat ride too. That was really fun.” I laughed at his comment, remembering.
“Hey, let’s go on this one! I love the Cat in the Hat!” Benji gave me a puppy-dog pout, but I pretended like it wasn’t working on me. Finally I gave in, because Joel joined in with his own puppy face. We got in line and finally it was our turn. We smushed ourselves into the front seat of the car, though it was made for two people. We never listened to anyone. I smiled; here I was in between the two again. Never a bad thing. The ride started going and I was surprised to find myself enjoying it. Maybe because every time the ride turned, I ended up falling on top of either Benj or Joel. “I hope you two are having fun Cuz this is making me dizzy.” They laughed at me. “If you keep falling on us, I’m sure we'll be just fine "I attempted to punch Joel in the arm, missed, and fell across his lap. “Oh yeah baby. Don’t move.”
I looked up at him and reached up, pulling his face down to mine, like I was going to kiss him. Instead, I let my lips get very close to his, and then pulled away laughing. “Tease.” I gave him a shocked look as I tried to keep myself from falling again. “No, I’m just dating your brother. Who’s sitting on the other side of me.” He looked over like he hadn’t known that. “So if he wasn’t here…” I glanced at Benj, who was watching, interested. “Then I would definitely do you, right here, right now.” Joel’s eyes widened. “Really?” I was giggling. I stopped when I saw the look on Benji’s face. “Yeah. But don’t look so sad Benji, if Joel wasn’t here, I would do you right now.” He smiled broadly and kissed me quickly. The ride turned again and I fell across Benji’s lap. “Wow this ride is fun. Don’t you agree, Joel?” I poked Benji in the stomach, and then felt arms around me from the other side. Joel had his hands moving up towards my breasts. Benji, on the other side, was kissing me deeply. I was surprised to find myself liking this. It was probably wrong, but who cared. I kissed Benji, moaning against his lips. Joel was practically humping me from behind, his arms tight around me. I didn’t even try to resist, I just let them do what they wanted. It felt so good. Suddenly, the ride came to a stop. It was over. I broke the kiss, and wriggled out of Joel’s grasp. “Dammit. So close.” I pushed Joel out of the car, “in your dreams, stud.” I took both Joel and Benji’s hands in mine and skipped between them as we headed back outside.
“Yeah. That was a fun ride.” Joel wrapped his arms around me from behind. I turned my head and pressed my lips to his. “Hey, you two. The guys are waiting outside.” We pulled away from each other, turning to see Mrs. Madden smiling at us. “Okay mom, we’ll see you later tonight okay?” She nodded and went to hug Joel once more. Then she hugged me. We headed out to the SUV to meet up with the others. Billy was sitting on the hood. “Ready to go? We gotta get to sound check for the show tonight.” I twirled the keys in my hands. “Let’s go boys.”
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