Chapter 12:
“And maybe…you’re gonna be the one to save me,
And after all…you’re my wonderwall.”
- Oasis
*~~***~~*
It had been 5 months since the day I’d found out I was pregnant. 5 whole months since the fight and the paternity test. And I was now as big as a house. And I mean a house. I was 8 months along, but I was definitely bigger than I should have been. Why? Because I was carrying twins. Yup. Twins. The doctor had delivered some shocking news when I was around 5 months pregnant. “You’re going to be fine. The babies are extremely healthy.”
“Thank you. Wait…babies? As in plural?”
He nodded. “You’re going to have twins. We thought this might happen. After all, Joel’s a twin and you’re a triplet, so the odds were pretty high.”
“I’m a triplet?”
He smiled. “You never knew? Your test came back showing that.”
I was shocked, to say the least. “Thank you. I have to go.”
That had been 3 months ago, and now here I was in New York City at the Plaza Hotel, checking in. I’d come to find my sisters, Hayden and Georgette. I had called my mother soon after that doctor visit, to ask her some questions. She’d answered and I’d started right off. “Mom, the doctor says I’m having twins. He also said I’m a triplet. You want to explain that to me?”
“Dear, we were poor when you were born. We couldn’t afford 3 babies. We had to put your sisters up for adoption. But we kept you honey.”
“That’s great mom. Real nice. Now, I know you’ve been keeping track of them. I know you, and you will have been doing that. So, who are they and where do they live?”
She sighed. “Their names are Hayden Shinoda and Georgette Benington. They live in New York City, as far as I know. I have their addresses and telephone numbers. Here…”
She proceeded to give me the information I needed. I hung up with her and then I sat there in silence for a moment, staring at the paper in my hand. Ten digits, but it seemed like a thousand as I dialed. “Hello?”
The voice that answered was identical to mine. I freaked. “Hi, is this Hayden Shinoda?”
“Yes it is, may I ask whose calling?”
“Yeah. My name is Katie Switalski. You don’t know me, but I’m your sister. One of your sisters. We’re triplets actually. There’s one more of us.”
Silence. Dead silence. “I knew it. I always felt there was someone else out there who knew me. And sometimes I would find myself feeling angry or sad or whatever when I knew I wasn’t. It was your feelings, or the other…what’s her name?”
“Georgette. Georgette Benington.”
“Can we three way her?”
“Yeah, hang on. God, I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.”
“In a way, you have.”
I punched the three way call button on my cell and dialed the other number mom had given me. “Hello? Is this Georgette Benington? My name is Katie Berboski, and you don’t know me, but I’m your sister. And so is the girl on the other line. We’re triplets.”
“My gosh. Mom had told me I was a triplet. I just never knew you guys, and that makes me sad. What’s our other sister’s name?”
“Hayden Shinoda. I’m going to patch her through.”
“Hello?”
“Hi Hayden, I’m Georgette. Your other sister.”
I started getting choked up. I could hear it in their voices too, how tearful we were all getting. It was a touching reunion with the sisters I had never known.
Hayden’s POV
I was incredibly surprised. I was a triplet. I had 2 sisters. Mom had never told me, and certainly Mike didn’t know. Well, Katie had told us the story that she heard from her mom, our birth mom. She knew she was having triplets, but she also knew that she and her husband could never afford three babies at the time. So, after naming her daughters, she kept one and made the horrible decision of giving the other two up. I was adopted by Lorraine Shinoda. Yes, my last name is Shinoda. Yes, my brother is Mike Shinoda, the MC of Linkin Park. He’s the best. He was shocked when I called him and told him I was a triplet. He got all excited. “I want to meet them! Have them come in to New York and meet us at the Waldorf Astoria to chill.”
“Fine, fine. Mike you need to calm down. I know you’re all happy you’ve got two other sisters, but calm please.”
“Alright. But ask!”
I hit the flash button to go back to my other conversation. “My brother wants you guys to come in to New York to hang with us.”
“Mike Shinoda right? I love Linkin Park. I’ve met them before actually. My boyfriend is in Good Charlotte.”
“Awesome! I love them. My husband’s in Linkin Park too. Hayden, how come I’ve never met you?”
I was a bit surprised. “Wait, you’re Chester’s wife aren’t you? I never met you, you’re right. Mainly cuz Mike doesn’t want the other guys to hit on me, and I’m busy a lot too. So…”
She laughed. Katie did too. And soon I found myself joining in. “I can’t believe we’ve been so close to finding each other all this time.”
“Yeah…so, are we going to New York then Katie?”
She paused. “I’d love to. I’m in Paris right now, but we’ll be back in the US in like 3 months. So, I can make it there by then. Is that good?”
I gasped in mock horror. “Three whole months? We haven’t seen each other since…forever.”
She and Georgette laughed. “That sounds fine. I’ll be there.”
“So will I.”
“Well, I live here so I will be here as well.”
We all laughed.
Georgette’s POV
I’m a triplet. Wow. “Chester! I’m going to New York in 3 months!”
He came out of the bathroom of the tour bus. “You taking Rosie and Lacey with you?”
“Of course. Hey, you gonna ask why?”
“Sure…why?”
“I’m a triplet, remember? Well, they contacted me and I’m going to meet them in New York at the Waldorf Astoria in three months. Okay by you?”
“Yeah cuz we’ll be there then, actually. We’ve got a show there, with Good Charlotte.”
“My sister is dating one of the guys in the band. And my other sister is Mike’s lil sister.”
“Awesome! My god! Mike, come here for a sec buddy!”
He shuffled in from the kitchen with a glass of milk in hand. “What do you want?”
“Meet one of your other sisters. My wife.”
His mouth dropped open and he set the glass down on the counter before he could drop it. “You’re kidding. Georgie? You’re my sister? I’m really the girls’ uncle? I am so happy right now!”
He swooped over and threw his arms around me. “Mike…I can’t breathe.”
“Oh…” He let me go.
“Thanks. I’m happy too. We’re all meeting up in New York in 3 months, when you guys are opening for GC.”
“Yes! Finally, I get to meet my other sisters! Whoop!”
I smiled. I heard a patter of feet as suddenly my twin daughters, Rose and Lace, scampered onto the bus. “Hey girls, guess what?”
“What? What?” They screamed together.
“When we go to New York in a little while, you’re going to meet mommy’s sisters. Mommy has never met them either, and it’s going to be so much fun.”
They cheered. “Do we have cousins?” Lace asked. She was always the more inquisitive of the two.
“I don’t know. Maybe. We’ll see.”
“Okay.”
The girls were excited. They are the loves of my life, beautiful little reminders of the love Chester and I share. They look just like you’d think they would, being a mix of us. They have my long black hair and Chester’s green eyes. They’re waifish, tall for their age. They’re 6 years old and they’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, other than marrying Chester. I can’t wait until New York.
Katie’s POV
I was sitting in my seat in first class on a nonstop flight from Charles de Gaulle to LaGuardia. And I had to pee, badly. Joel was snoring away on my right, and Billy was listening to headphones on my left. Of course, I got stuck with a middle seat, and neither of them would move. Goddamn them. I pushed gently at Joel’s shoulder. “Joel…Joel? Joel! Wake up! I have to pee!”
He stirred slightly. I pushed him again. “Come on, wake up!”
“Huh-wha?” He opened his eyes and blinked sleepily around.
“I need to use the facilities, so move.”
He got up quickly and helped me to my feet.I stumbled down the aisle to the airplane bathroom and squeezed myself in. At 8 months pregnant with twins, it was a very, very tight squeeze. I finished up and headed back to my seat. Joel had moved over so I could have the aisle. “Thanks babe.”
He nodded. “No prob. We have, like, 4 more hours, and I don’t want to have to keep getting up.”
I smirked at him.“Real sentiment there honey.”
He laughed and I settled back down for the duration of the flight.
*~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~*
“What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time”
- Lifehouse
*~~***~~*
The plane settled down in N.Y.C. I felt like leaping for joy. Finally, back in the USA. Finally going to meet my sisters! Yes! We got off the plane and headed for the limo. Once inside, settled, although not comfortably, we drove off into the sunset. Ha ha, I wish. No actually we drove off, but towards the Waldorf Astoria instead. We got there and Joel and Billy helped me out of the car. I was shaking, I was that nervous. “Hang in there Katie girl; you gotta keep them babies safe. I’m their uncle, you know.”
Billy was laughing as he fought to hold onto my arm despite my trembling.“Sorry. I’m just…so excited. Hayden said to ask at the front desk and they’d direct us.”
We headed for the desk. The woman behind it quipped in a chipper voice, “Welcome to the Waldorf Astoria. You must be Good Charlotte.”
She gestured to all of us.“Yes we are. And…I’m looking for Hayden Shinoda. She said to check in at the front desk.”
The woman nodded respectfully, her eyes widening slightly. “Of course. Ms. Shinoda said to send you right up. I’ll take you myself. Will the rest of you be joining her?”
I looked around at the guys, who were kind of shuffling about nervously. “Would you? Please?”
They all nodded and the lady grinned. “Wonderful. Follow me please.”
She led the way back through several sets of doors to a private elevator. Private elevator! Oh my gosh! My sis was hooked up, man! The elevator stopped on the very top floor. The top. Penthouse. The doors opened and we headed down a long hallway. “This is where I leave you. Just ring that doorbell there.”
She turned and clicked off back towards the elevator.I just stood there. Joel nudged me. “Aren’t you going to open it?”
I clenched my fists. “I’m afraid. I haven’t seen these girls before. Not once in 26 years. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know.”
He put his arm around me. “I’m here. We’re all here. Right behind you. Now open that door.”
I nodded and rang the doorbell quickly before I could second guess myself again. It seemed like forever before the door opened. My eyes widened at the person standing there.
Georgette’s POV
“Are we there yet?” I rolled my eyes back into my head.
“No we are not there yet. And we will never get there if you don’t stop whining. Okay?”
Rose and Lace looked at each other, shrugged, and went back to playing tic tac toe on the back of a flyer. Chester came over and wrapped his arms around me. “Calm down baby. We’re here.”
The girls jumped up and down in glee. I froze. “What? I’m not possibly ready.”
“Well get ready. Cuz this is the hotel. Get out.”
A few minutes later, Chester, Rose, Lace and I were inside the lobby of the Waldorf Astoria, headed for the front desk, and the biggest change in our lives.
Katie’s POV
I was standing in front of a mirror image of me. Or, slightly a mirror image. The girl in the doorway had shoulder length purple hair and the same brown eyes as mine. She was about the same height and was wearing a black and white striped off the shoulder long sleeved top and a black pleated miniskirt. She had on white leather boots and torn black fishnets. Her black eyeliner was smudged and her lips were a glossy pink. She had a surprised little smile on her face, but it widened considerably as she took us in. “Oh my God! You must be Katie!”
I laughed. She bounded into my arms. “Let me guess…you knew that because Good Charlotte was with me, huh?”
She let me go. “Yeah. So…got a bun in the oven there huh? Whose is it?”
She surveyed the guys. “Wait, let me guess…triplet intuition, you know…its Joel’s.”
I nodded. “Nice work. Except, there are two of them.”
She jumped up and down. “I’m gonna be an aunt! Oh…you might want to come in, huh? Come in then. Mi casa es su casa.”
We headed inside. Her suite was awesome. It was all decorated in a Middle Eastern harem theme. She gestured to couches for everyone to sit on. I chose a regular chair, however. Easier to get sit down and get up out of, you know. Hayden was talking a mile a minute. “Linkin Park’s tour bus just pulled up. My brother is Mike, you know. And Georgette’s married to Chester. They’ll be here soon. I can’t wait. So how has your life been?”
I laughed. “Slow down. Okay, the quick facts. I grew up in Waldorf, Maryland, next door to Benji and Joel. They were my best friends since forever. I had a crush on Benji for years. Sophomore year he finally asked me out, we confessed our love to each other, etc. So, fast forward to last year. You heard about the accident? Everyone did. I lost Benj. A few months later, I started feeling things for Joel. We tested it out and fell deep in love. I cheated with Pierre from Simple Plan, but it wasn’t planned or anything. I got pregnant. But the babies are Joel’s. Um…oh and I’m singing vocals and playing guitar with Good Charlotte. And how has your life been?”
She absorbed all the information slowly, nodding her head as she listened. “I grew up here in NYC with my older brother Mike and my mom. Um…I fell in love at 16, got beat up by said love and left him. After that, no men for me. Just one night stands. But I’m always available for love. Still looking.”
I smiled wanly at her. “I understand your pain. My dad beat me growing up. Senior year I ran away and lived at Benj and Joel’s house til graduation and then we all got out of there.”
The doorbell rang. She jumped up. “Oh my gosh. They’re here. This is so…”
“Nerve-wracking.”
She laughed. “Gonna have to get used to that.”
She went to open the door.
Hayden’s POV
Oh my gosh. Déjà vu. Just a few minutes ago, I was standing here at this very door, facing Katie for the first time. And now, here was Georgette. My mirror image, Katie’s mirror image. Her hair was long and black, and natural I knew. Mine was the same color naturally, and under Katie’s red dye there were black streaks struggling to get out. Her eyes were exactly mine, exactly Katie’s, those deep chocolate brown eyes that drown you. And, standing on either side of her, were two girls who looked almost exactly like us, but had a bit of Chester in them. They had the long black hair, but Chester’s green eyes. Other than that, they were us, all over again. I sighed. “Georgie. The gang’s all here. Get in here, you guys.”
Georgie headed in, the girl’s hands tightly in hers. Chester and Mike followed. “Hey good lookin’.”
Mike swept me up into a huge hug. “It’s been too long lil sis.”
I nodded in agreement. Katie had gotten off the chair, with difficulty, and had her arms around Georgie. They both had tears streaming from their eyes. Georgie motioned for me to join them, and before long, I was sobbing like a baby, too.
Georgie’s POV
We slowly let go of each other and sat back down. Hayden and I helped Katie back into the chair. She was very close to term, and huge. I laughed and rubbed her stomach. “Oh! These are my twins, over here. Rose and Lace. Meet your aunts, guys.”
Lace stepped forward first and put her hand on Katie’s stomach. “Are those my cousins in there? When are they coming out? Tomorrow’s our birthday, you know. Will they come then? For our party?”
Rose stepped up next to her and copied her stance.“Yeah, will they come? It would be a really cool birthday present.”
“Girls! Not all at once!”Katie laughed, “Nah its okay. Girls, I don’t know when your cousins are coming. Maybe they’ll come tomorrow, I don’t really know.”
They nodded. Lace climbed up onto the chair next to Katie and rested her head on her shoulder. I saw the motherly instinct leaping in Katie’s eyes. I smiled at it.
Rose went over and stood in front of Hayden, surveying her. “Hi, my name is Rosie, what’s yours?” She stuck her hand out.
Hayden quirked an eyebrow up at her. “Hi Rosie, nice to meet you. My name is Hayden, and I’m your aunt, so you can call me Aunt Hayden.”
Rosie’s face lit up. “Another aunt? Yay!”
She jumped onto Hayden’s lap and threw her arms around her aunt.I laughed at the girls’ antics. They were always so lively. This reunion was the best thing ever. I couldn’t wait to get to know everyone and I couldn’t wait for the concert tonight. It was going to rock. All of a sudden, Katie let out a loud yell. We all rushed over to her. “Oh my god, my water just broke!”
Monday, April 11, 2005
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Chapter 11
Chapter 11:
“Cause I'm here,
ready to take it all here
Everything's feeling unclear
I wish it was raining
Cause I hate every beautiful day”
– Sugarcult
*~~***~~*
I stared down at the test in my hand. This couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t. I let my head drop down into my hands, and the test clattered to the floor. It had been 3 months since we’d opened the tour, and we were currently overseas, in Paris, the city of love. For the last few months I’d been having terrible mood swings, and ending up in the bathroom every few minutes, with my head hung over into the toilet. I tried to hide it as best as I could from everyone else, it was just the flu, it would pass. But after weeks and weeks of feeling the same, I went to the drugstore and bought a pregnancy test. Oh shit. It was positive. This was going to be so hard to tell Joel. Especially since I didn’t know whether it was his. I had to keep this a secret, from everyone, at least until I started showing, which wouldn’t be for another few months. If they noticed that I was gaining a bit of weight, oh well. No one could find out.
I threw the test in the toilet, after having broken it in two and wrapped it in several sheets of toilet paper that I had carefully smeared some red lip gloss on. No one would want to check it, thinking that it was a used “feminine product”. On a bus full of boys, that was definitely something that was not discussed. I wiped the tears out of my eyes and checked my reflection in the mirror. God, I looked like shit. I grabbed my makeup case from under the counter and started reapplying everything. A few minutes later, I looked fresh and relaxed, like I’d never even cried at all. I smiled sadly at my reflection and headed out into the bus.
“Hey babe, c’mere a sec.” I plopped down in Joel’s lap and he nuzzled my neck. “What’s up with you lately? You seem…spacey.” Billy looked up from his video game, “And moody.” Paul popped his head round the corner, “And bitchy.” Chris yelled from the back of the bus, “And crazy!” I laughed. “Sorry. Have I really been acting like that?” They all nodded. “I’m sorry, I’m just…under the weather, I guess.” Joel was scrutinizing me, searching my eyes for any sense of what was really going on. I turned away from him and slid to the floor to challenge Billy to a round on the good ole Playstation. Joel knew I was avoiding telling him something, he just didn’t know what. And, thank God, he had no clue. This was a big thing; it was going to change our lives forever. I need to tell him, I realized as I maneuvered my character on the television screen. Alright, tonight then, when the time is right. When we’re alone. Billy crowed happily as he won yet another game and I let the controller drop to the floor. “Alright, I give up. You are the master of the universe.” I bowed to him and then fell on the floor in hysterical laughter, causing him to do the same and fall on top of me. “Yay! Dogpile!” Paul jumped on top of us from the doorway and we both groaned. “God, you guys weigh a ton! Ow!” I complained loudly, and then there was a whump as both Joel and Chris joined in. We all cracked up. “Hey, whose ass is in my face? Ew, Chris that’s disgusting! Move it!” I felt Billy elbow me in the ribs and I rolled over on top of him and started tickling him under the arms. “Hey, cut it out!” He squealed and tried to escape me, but I was too strong for him. “Muahaha, I’ve got you now.” I pushed my way out of the pile eventually, and collapsed into a chair. “Wow, you all are crazy. I’m going to the store to get some things, I’ll be back.” I grabbed my keys off the table and headed out to the rented SUV we had for the time being. “Katie! Wait up!” I turned to see Paul jogging across the parking lot towards me. “I have the munchies, like majorly, so can I come with?” I nodded and unlocked the car, heading over to the driver’s side.
We were driving down the road, with Garbage’s new single blaring from the speakers. “Why do you love me? Why do you love me? Why do you love me? It’s driving me crazy!” I was singing at the top of my lungs. Paul laughed before joining in, and then he got serious as soon as the song ended. He turned the radio off. “Katie…what’s really going on with you lately? You’re moody all the time, you’re sick, you look like you’ve gained a bit of weight, and…” He trailed off and a look of realization came into his eyes. Crap. “Katie, are you pregnant?” I nodded, tears coming to my eyes unbidden. “That’s awesome! Oh my God, I’m so happy for you and Joel!” I kept my eyes on the road, silent. “Katie? Oh shit. He doesn’t know, does he?” I shook my head and pulled us into a parking lot in front of the local Walmart. I let my head drop down onto the steering wheel. “Katie? You wanna talk about it?” I shook my head again. “I’m here for you, you know. Anything you say…I’ll keep it a secret. I’m good at keeping secrets.” I smiled weakly at him. “What do you need to know?” He took my hand in his, “Why haven’t you told Joel?” I looked down at the steering wheel, studying it intently. “Katie?” I felt a tear roll down my cheek. “Because I don’t know if it’s his.” We sat there in absolute silence for a few minutes. He was shocked. “What? Who? When?” I looked up and met his eyes, which held a mixture of pain and betrayal. “3 months ago, at that first show, while you guys were all hanging out in the opening bands’ dressing room.” A sudden knowledge rushed into his eyes. “Holy crap! It was Pierre, wasn’t it? I should have known. He left the room a couple minutes after you did, but I guess none of us put two and two together. I can’t believe you would go and do that to Joel. With him!” I took his hand in mine, but he pulled it away as if he’d been burnt by a hot iron. “I wasn’t planning on it, Paul, believe me. But you know how it is, when you’re in the heat of the moment, and you can’t…you can’t stop yourself, and…it was wrong, I was wrong, I know it. But I couldn’t stop, I just, oh God, I’m a terrible person.” His eyes widened. “Katie, stop. What happened, happened, and you can’t go back and change that, even if it was wrong. But, you need to tell Joel, about the baby, and about how it might not be his. He’ll stick with you either way, you know that. It wont matter to him whether it’s his or not, he’ll stay with you. It’s what Benj would have done.” I threw my arms around him. “Paul, I’m so glad to hear you say that. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not a skank. I’m so sorry I did what I did, and I wish I could take it back, I really do, but I can’t. Thank you for understanding.” He held me while the tears fell, and we sat in silence for a long while.
*~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~*
“How can we fake this anymore
Turn our backs away,
and chose to just ignore
Some say it's ignorance
It makes me feel some innocence
It takes away a part of me
But I won't let go”
– Sum 41
*~~***~~*
We headed into Walmart like 20 minutes after our conversation in the parking lot. We split up and headed our separate ways. I made a beeline for the clothing section to grab some jeans a few sizes larger than mine and some new shirts before heading for the electronics department to get the new Garbage CD. Then I dropped into the toy department to see if there were any new ponies. There were. I grabbed the ones I didn’t have yet and went for the cash register to meet up with Paul, who had his arms full of snacks. “You better keep those away from me, I don’t want to gain too much weight during this pregnancy,” I joked. He laughed and took my things, placing them on the conveyor belt. “It’s on me.” I smiled, “Thanks.”
We got back to the bus just in time to see a small blonde girl leaving it. She shouted “hey!” from across the parking lot. Paul and I both cringed. Her again. “Hi Hilary. How are you?” I put on my fake happy smile face and tried not to shrink away as she threw her arms around me. “O-M-G I am fine! You look terrific, as always. I was just having a nice conversation with Joel. He told me about you two. I’m happy for you!” She was squealing in a very fakey sort of way. I grinned, trying to hide my grimace. “Thanks, well, we have to go now. So…we’ll see you around.” I pushed past her and headed for the bus door. Hilary turned around and squeaked “Have a nice tooooooooooour…” I turned to Paul and made a gagging motion as she sashayed off. “Ugh, I can’t stand her! Why does she keep following us around? She knows it’s soooooo over between her and Joel!” Paul just nodded, “Don’t worry about it. She’ll buzz off eventually. She knows Joel doesn’t want her skanky ass around anymore.”
We headed into the bus. Joel was sitting on his bunk with his legs dangling over the edge. “Hey babe what’s up?” He leaned farther over into the aisle. “Is she gone?” I nodded, “Yep. Still stalking you huh?” He punched me in the arm. “It’s not funny.” I climbed up and sat next to him. “Of course it’s not honey. I agree with you totally.” He pushed me again and I fell off the bunk and into Paul’s arms. “Thank god you were standing there. You coulda killed me Joel!” Paul mumbled under his breath, something that sounded like, Yeah and the baby too. I glared at him and he glared back, mouthing at me, tell him now. I sighed and pulled myself back up into the bunk. “Hey I got something to tell you.” He leaned back on the bunk, “Good or bad?” I lay down next to him, “A bit of both actually.” He grinned, “They run out of ponies at Walmart?” I tackled him. “I’ll get you for that!” He just smiled and ducked my punches. “Alright, totally serious. What’s up?” I took his hand in mine. “Um, I don’t know how you’re gonna take this, but…I’m pregnant.” His jaw dropped. “Baby! That’s great! Oh my gosh. How could you think that’s bad news? Hey Billy, Chris, Paul…I’m gonna be a father!” Immediately the guys came rushing over to the bunk, slapping high fives all around and yelling, happy as all get out. “Joel? That’s not all I have to tell you.” He turned around, “What? You having twins?” He cracked up. I pulled him into the bunk and shut the curtains. “Go away you guys!” They rustled off. “Joel…I…I don’t know…if the baby’s yours.” He looked like I had just slapped him in the face. “What? But…whose could it be?” Then comprehension came over his face. “I’ll kill him. I’ll kill him!!!” He jumped out of the bunk and went tearing out the door. “Joel! No! What are you doing?” I scampered down the ladder as fast as I could go and leaped out the door after him, just in time to see him storming onto Simple Plan’s tour bus. “Joel!” I reached the door just in time to see him pull Pierre out of his bunk and throw him to the floor. “You bastard! How dare you? How DARE you? Haven’t we all been through enough? Asshole! Answer me!” I rushed over and tried desperately to pull him off, but one of his fists flailed out and hit me. I fell down, clattering against the table. Sebastian caught me, but barely. “Whoa! Joel! Calm down man. Don’t you see what you just did to your girlfriend?” Joel let go of Pierre and saw me laying, dazed, on the ground in Sebastian’s arms. “Oh shit. Katie? Are you okay? Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” I was blinking out, I couldn’t keep anything straight. “Katie?” Joel’s voice sounded like it was coming from way up in the clouds. I felt like I was underwater. “Katie?” I blanked out.
“Cause I'm here,
ready to take it all here
Everything's feeling unclear
I wish it was raining
Cause I hate every beautiful day”
– Sugarcult
*~~***~~*
I stared down at the test in my hand. This couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t. I let my head drop down into my hands, and the test clattered to the floor. It had been 3 months since we’d opened the tour, and we were currently overseas, in Paris, the city of love. For the last few months I’d been having terrible mood swings, and ending up in the bathroom every few minutes, with my head hung over into the toilet. I tried to hide it as best as I could from everyone else, it was just the flu, it would pass. But after weeks and weeks of feeling the same, I went to the drugstore and bought a pregnancy test. Oh shit. It was positive. This was going to be so hard to tell Joel. Especially since I didn’t know whether it was his. I had to keep this a secret, from everyone, at least until I started showing, which wouldn’t be for another few months. If they noticed that I was gaining a bit of weight, oh well. No one could find out.
I threw the test in the toilet, after having broken it in two and wrapped it in several sheets of toilet paper that I had carefully smeared some red lip gloss on. No one would want to check it, thinking that it was a used “feminine product”. On a bus full of boys, that was definitely something that was not discussed. I wiped the tears out of my eyes and checked my reflection in the mirror. God, I looked like shit. I grabbed my makeup case from under the counter and started reapplying everything. A few minutes later, I looked fresh and relaxed, like I’d never even cried at all. I smiled sadly at my reflection and headed out into the bus.
“Hey babe, c’mere a sec.” I plopped down in Joel’s lap and he nuzzled my neck. “What’s up with you lately? You seem…spacey.” Billy looked up from his video game, “And moody.” Paul popped his head round the corner, “And bitchy.” Chris yelled from the back of the bus, “And crazy!” I laughed. “Sorry. Have I really been acting like that?” They all nodded. “I’m sorry, I’m just…under the weather, I guess.” Joel was scrutinizing me, searching my eyes for any sense of what was really going on. I turned away from him and slid to the floor to challenge Billy to a round on the good ole Playstation. Joel knew I was avoiding telling him something, he just didn’t know what. And, thank God, he had no clue. This was a big thing; it was going to change our lives forever. I need to tell him, I realized as I maneuvered my character on the television screen. Alright, tonight then, when the time is right. When we’re alone. Billy crowed happily as he won yet another game and I let the controller drop to the floor. “Alright, I give up. You are the master of the universe.” I bowed to him and then fell on the floor in hysterical laughter, causing him to do the same and fall on top of me. “Yay! Dogpile!” Paul jumped on top of us from the doorway and we both groaned. “God, you guys weigh a ton! Ow!” I complained loudly, and then there was a whump as both Joel and Chris joined in. We all cracked up. “Hey, whose ass is in my face? Ew, Chris that’s disgusting! Move it!” I felt Billy elbow me in the ribs and I rolled over on top of him and started tickling him under the arms. “Hey, cut it out!” He squealed and tried to escape me, but I was too strong for him. “Muahaha, I’ve got you now.” I pushed my way out of the pile eventually, and collapsed into a chair. “Wow, you all are crazy. I’m going to the store to get some things, I’ll be back.” I grabbed my keys off the table and headed out to the rented SUV we had for the time being. “Katie! Wait up!” I turned to see Paul jogging across the parking lot towards me. “I have the munchies, like majorly, so can I come with?” I nodded and unlocked the car, heading over to the driver’s side.
We were driving down the road, with Garbage’s new single blaring from the speakers. “Why do you love me? Why do you love me? Why do you love me? It’s driving me crazy!” I was singing at the top of my lungs. Paul laughed before joining in, and then he got serious as soon as the song ended. He turned the radio off. “Katie…what’s really going on with you lately? You’re moody all the time, you’re sick, you look like you’ve gained a bit of weight, and…” He trailed off and a look of realization came into his eyes. Crap. “Katie, are you pregnant?” I nodded, tears coming to my eyes unbidden. “That’s awesome! Oh my God, I’m so happy for you and Joel!” I kept my eyes on the road, silent. “Katie? Oh shit. He doesn’t know, does he?” I shook my head and pulled us into a parking lot in front of the local Walmart. I let my head drop down onto the steering wheel. “Katie? You wanna talk about it?” I shook my head again. “I’m here for you, you know. Anything you say…I’ll keep it a secret. I’m good at keeping secrets.” I smiled weakly at him. “What do you need to know?” He took my hand in his, “Why haven’t you told Joel?” I looked down at the steering wheel, studying it intently. “Katie?” I felt a tear roll down my cheek. “Because I don’t know if it’s his.” We sat there in absolute silence for a few minutes. He was shocked. “What? Who? When?” I looked up and met his eyes, which held a mixture of pain and betrayal. “3 months ago, at that first show, while you guys were all hanging out in the opening bands’ dressing room.” A sudden knowledge rushed into his eyes. “Holy crap! It was Pierre, wasn’t it? I should have known. He left the room a couple minutes after you did, but I guess none of us put two and two together. I can’t believe you would go and do that to Joel. With him!” I took his hand in mine, but he pulled it away as if he’d been burnt by a hot iron. “I wasn’t planning on it, Paul, believe me. But you know how it is, when you’re in the heat of the moment, and you can’t…you can’t stop yourself, and…it was wrong, I was wrong, I know it. But I couldn’t stop, I just, oh God, I’m a terrible person.” His eyes widened. “Katie, stop. What happened, happened, and you can’t go back and change that, even if it was wrong. But, you need to tell Joel, about the baby, and about how it might not be his. He’ll stick with you either way, you know that. It wont matter to him whether it’s his or not, he’ll stay with you. It’s what Benj would have done.” I threw my arms around him. “Paul, I’m so glad to hear you say that. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not a skank. I’m so sorry I did what I did, and I wish I could take it back, I really do, but I can’t. Thank you for understanding.” He held me while the tears fell, and we sat in silence for a long while.
*~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~*
“How can we fake this anymore
Turn our backs away,
and chose to just ignore
Some say it's ignorance
It makes me feel some innocence
It takes away a part of me
But I won't let go”
– Sum 41
*~~***~~*
We headed into Walmart like 20 minutes after our conversation in the parking lot. We split up and headed our separate ways. I made a beeline for the clothing section to grab some jeans a few sizes larger than mine and some new shirts before heading for the electronics department to get the new Garbage CD. Then I dropped into the toy department to see if there were any new ponies. There were. I grabbed the ones I didn’t have yet and went for the cash register to meet up with Paul, who had his arms full of snacks. “You better keep those away from me, I don’t want to gain too much weight during this pregnancy,” I joked. He laughed and took my things, placing them on the conveyor belt. “It’s on me.” I smiled, “Thanks.”
We got back to the bus just in time to see a small blonde girl leaving it. She shouted “hey!” from across the parking lot. Paul and I both cringed. Her again. “Hi Hilary. How are you?” I put on my fake happy smile face and tried not to shrink away as she threw her arms around me. “O-M-G I am fine! You look terrific, as always. I was just having a nice conversation with Joel. He told me about you two. I’m happy for you!” She was squealing in a very fakey sort of way. I grinned, trying to hide my grimace. “Thanks, well, we have to go now. So…we’ll see you around.” I pushed past her and headed for the bus door. Hilary turned around and squeaked “Have a nice tooooooooooour…” I turned to Paul and made a gagging motion as she sashayed off. “Ugh, I can’t stand her! Why does she keep following us around? She knows it’s soooooo over between her and Joel!” Paul just nodded, “Don’t worry about it. She’ll buzz off eventually. She knows Joel doesn’t want her skanky ass around anymore.”
We headed into the bus. Joel was sitting on his bunk with his legs dangling over the edge. “Hey babe what’s up?” He leaned farther over into the aisle. “Is she gone?” I nodded, “Yep. Still stalking you huh?” He punched me in the arm. “It’s not funny.” I climbed up and sat next to him. “Of course it’s not honey. I agree with you totally.” He pushed me again and I fell off the bunk and into Paul’s arms. “Thank god you were standing there. You coulda killed me Joel!” Paul mumbled under his breath, something that sounded like, Yeah and the baby too. I glared at him and he glared back, mouthing at me, tell him now. I sighed and pulled myself back up into the bunk. “Hey I got something to tell you.” He leaned back on the bunk, “Good or bad?” I lay down next to him, “A bit of both actually.” He grinned, “They run out of ponies at Walmart?” I tackled him. “I’ll get you for that!” He just smiled and ducked my punches. “Alright, totally serious. What’s up?” I took his hand in mine. “Um, I don’t know how you’re gonna take this, but…I’m pregnant.” His jaw dropped. “Baby! That’s great! Oh my gosh. How could you think that’s bad news? Hey Billy, Chris, Paul…I’m gonna be a father!” Immediately the guys came rushing over to the bunk, slapping high fives all around and yelling, happy as all get out. “Joel? That’s not all I have to tell you.” He turned around, “What? You having twins?” He cracked up. I pulled him into the bunk and shut the curtains. “Go away you guys!” They rustled off. “Joel…I…I don’t know…if the baby’s yours.” He looked like I had just slapped him in the face. “What? But…whose could it be?” Then comprehension came over his face. “I’ll kill him. I’ll kill him!!!” He jumped out of the bunk and went tearing out the door. “Joel! No! What are you doing?” I scampered down the ladder as fast as I could go and leaped out the door after him, just in time to see him storming onto Simple Plan’s tour bus. “Joel!” I reached the door just in time to see him pull Pierre out of his bunk and throw him to the floor. “You bastard! How dare you? How DARE you? Haven’t we all been through enough? Asshole! Answer me!” I rushed over and tried desperately to pull him off, but one of his fists flailed out and hit me. I fell down, clattering against the table. Sebastian caught me, but barely. “Whoa! Joel! Calm down man. Don’t you see what you just did to your girlfriend?” Joel let go of Pierre and saw me laying, dazed, on the ground in Sebastian’s arms. “Oh shit. Katie? Are you okay? Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” I was blinking out, I couldn’t keep anything straight. “Katie?” Joel’s voice sounded like it was coming from way up in the clouds. I felt like I was underwater. “Katie?” I blanked out.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Chapter 10
Chapter 10:
“And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight”
- Yellowcard
*~~***~~*
Remembering Benji was great and all, and so was being with Joel, but our number one priority was the show tonight. We headed inside the MI Center for our sound check. “Yo, Paul, you got my guitar right?” Paul glared at me from across the spacious floor, “Nah, I’m not your roadie. Billy’s got it, actually.” I went skipping over to where Billy was tuning my guitar. “Billeeeeee!” He turned around, “Yes Katiieeeeeeeeee?” I laughed and jumped into his lap as he put my guitar in the case beside him. “Hi.” He wrapped his arms around me, “What, are we relieving memories or something?” I shook my head, “Nah, but maybe you’ll get lucky later.” He grinned and whispered in my ear, “But what about Joel?” Joel was glancing at us suspiciously. I waved at him and blew him a kiss. He laughed and went back to talking to Chris about what song we should open with tonight. “Don’t worry about Joel” I whispered seductively in his ear, before bursting out in laughter and hopping off his lap. “You’re crazy!” He yelled after me as I went running off to beg Paul for some of his cheeseburger.
“Aight, testing, one two three. Testing, one two three. Can you hear me out there? Throw your hands in the air, and wave ‘em like ya just don’t care!” I was incredibly giddy tonight, all worked up about the show, so Joel let me test the mikes out. “I’m kind of regretting letting you test the mikes now.” I shoved Joel off the stage. “Hey! That hurt!” I laughed, “No it didn’t, you landed on a roadie. It’s okay. He’s having the time of his life.” The roadie pushed Joel off him, mumbling something about crazy kids. Billy, Paul and Chris burst out laughing. Joel pulled himself back up on stage, “Laugh it up you guys. Laugh it up.” I couldn’t help myself, he looked so sad. I threw my arms around him, “its okay babe, I still love you. Even if you are a goof.” He mumbled something into my hair. “What was that?” He pulled back and goes, “I know. But you’re an even bigger goof.” I just eyed him, “You want me to push you off stage again?” He laughed, “Nah, I’m good. Let’s rehearse, shall we?” He grabbed the other mike and turned to the rest of the band. “So, are we gonna play The Battle of Life and Death first tonight?” Billy nodded, “Yeah that would be good to open the show.” I picked up the other mike, “Yeah I agree. Um, can we play that new song I wrote second? You know the one I’ve been working on for a while?” Joel thought about it for a minute, “Sure, we’ve already worked out all the music for it so yeah let’s do it.” I cheered and jumped up and down, throwing my arms around him. “You rock.” He laughed, “No, you rock.” I grinned, “I do, don’t I?” Everyone laughed at that and I went back to the mike.
*~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~*
Four hours later…
“My gosh that’s a lot of people. Hey, are we gonna go out and say hi to the fans before the show?” I was looking out the window at the huge crowd milling around in front of the center. Paul and Chris were standing with me, watching people buying stuff, doing things, drinking, whatever. All of a sudden, someone spotted us in the window. “Oh my god! It’s Katie and Paul and Chris!” The crowd started screaming and waving at us and holding up posters. I waved at them. They yelled even louder. “Um, I don’t know if I really wanna go down there right now.” Billy had come up behind us, and was watching the people. “Yeah, but we owe it to the fans don’t we?” Joel walked up to join us, sparking more yells from the crowd. “True, but can we wait until after the show to do the meet and greet?” I nodded. “Yeah, cuz it’s show time.”
The doors opened and the people started streaming in. We headed down to our dressing rooms. The bands who were opening for us tonight, New Found Glory and Simple Plan, were hanging out in their dressing room already. It was huge. Pierre looked up when we came in. “Hey guys, what’s happening?” I shouted “Pierre!” and bounded across the room to jump on him. I didn’t know Simple Plan had arrived yet, and I hadn’t seen Pierre in forever, so I was unbelievably excited. “Hey beautiful, how you been?” I pecked him on the cheek. “I’m good. Are you ready to do this thing?” Joel walked in and saw me straddling Pierre, “Hey what’s going on here?” I laughed, “Don’t be jealous Joel, we’re just friends. I’m an extremely affectionate person. I need to get ready anyways. I’m going to our dressing room, k?” I got up off Pierre and headed out of the room.
I got to our dressing room and went through my things, trying to find the right thing to wear. We hadn’t played a show in forever, and I wanted to look good. “Don’t worry about what you wear, you look good in anything.” I looked up to find Pierre leaning in the doorway. “What are you doing here? I need to get ready.” He smiled, “We’ve got an hour before the show starts. Do you really need that long?” I laughed. “Nah I guess not. Does Joel know you’re in here?” He shook his head. “I didn’t think so.” He sat down on the sofa, “He still doesn’t know huh?” I plopped down next to him. “No. I never told him. Never told Benji either, but it’s a bit late for that isn’t it?” While I’d been on tour with Good Charlotte a few summers back, Pierre and I had a bit of a tryst. We’d never said a word to anyone. In fact, we’d promised we would never, even on pain of death, tell anyone. He smiled sadly at me. “I miss that.” I sighed, “We can’t Pierre, I’m with Joel. It would kill him.” He got up and locked the door, “Not even a little bit?”
He kissed me, pressing me down into the couch, his hands resting on my hips. I kissed him back, scooting backwards on the couch until we were lying down. He slid his hand up under my shirt, his tongue working wonders with my own. Oh my god, this was wrong. This was so wrong. But it felt so right. He pulled my shirt up over my head, kissing his way down my neck and chest. I hooked my thumbs in his belt loops and slid his jeans off, throwing them in a heap on the floor. He found my spot, at the side of my neck, sucking gently at it, and I moaned, “Pierre, I don’t know…if I can do this.” He bit my earlobe, “Then let me do it for you.” He pulled my jeans off and let them fall on top of his. I yanked his shirt up over his head and threw it across the room. “Take me.” He pulled down my underwear with one hand, and his boxers with the other. I unsnapped my bra and let it fall off the couch, he moved his mouth up to suck my nipple. A moan was ripped from my lips as he bit down. “Oh my god, don’t stop. Don’t stop.” A mere second later, he shoved himself inside me. A muffled scream escaped from my lips where his were pressed hard. I titled my hips upwards, he slammed into me hard, pulling out and then pressing back inside. I felt the orgasm building up inside me, the hunger, the aching need, sending me closer and closer to the edge. With one last thrust, he brought me into oblivion, bringing himself along with me. He pulled out slowly. “Pierre…” I moaned into his ear, feeling him stiffen against my leg again. He gazed into my eyes, bringing his hand up to cup my breast. I shrugged away from him. “No baby, please. I need you. I need this.” He was throbbing against my leg. I had the power to take him where I pleased. I grinned as I flipped over, so that I was on top of him. He watched me with greedy eyes as I kissed my way down his body. I slowly licked along his lower stomach, feeling the muscles twitch and tighten as I did. He groaned and gripped the sides of the couch, pushing his hips upwards, his body squirming under the assault. I moved my mouth farther down, biting his hip. He swore hoarsely, gripping my head with his hands. I let my lips travel even farther, suckling at the base of his erection. He moaned louder as I took his length inside my mouth. I brought him to the very edge of reason, and then pulled away, replacing my mouth with my hot, wet core. He gripped my hips with shaking hands as I brought us both over the edge. He moaned my name as he saw stars. “Katie…that was…” I collapsed on top of him, “Amazing? I know. I’m hot, aren’t I?” He shoved my shoulder, and I rolled off him and onto the floor. “So that’s it, Pierre? You were hot now get out? God, I feel like a groupie.” He laughed. “Nah, I just meant you oughta go get ready. You have 15 minutes.” I leaped to my feet, “Holy shit! Get out! The guys are gonna be in here soon! Go!” He chuckled, giving me a quick kiss before slipping quickly out of the room.
I got in the shower quick, skipping the shampoo cuz I didn’t have time. I was out in a few minutes, toweling off fast and heading out into the other room to get my clothes. I pulled on my bra and boy-shorts, not the ones I’d been wearing before, but a new pair and went and grabbed my other clothes off the floor, stuffing them in a dirty laundry bag. Were they ever. I was bent over, going through my bags for clothing, very aware of how much butt was hanging out of my cheeky lace underwear when all of a sudden the door burst open and the sound of laughter filled the air. “Whoa!” I turned around to find Billy, Joel, Chris, and Paul standing in the doorway, mouths hanging open. “You’re gonna catch flies that way. Shut your mouths. It’s not polite to stare.” Billy punched Joel in the arm. Chris couldn’t tear his eyes away. He was the only one there who hadn’t seen me in various stages of undress, on the bus or wherever. “Damn. Joel, I hate you so much right now.” Everyone burst out laughing. I shook my booty at them, “What? You think I’m hot, Chris?” He gasped as I came over to him and rubbed my butt against him. “Yeah. Very, very hot. Damn girl, you gotta stop or I can’t be responsible for what happens next.” I laughed and threw my arms around him. “Aight. I gotta get dressed anyways.” I went back over to my suitcase and took out a brand new black tank top with the words Cinderella Punk on it, a hot pink miniskirt, a pair of black fishnet stockings and my hot pink and black Chuck Taylors. I got dressed quick and twirled around for them to see. “How do I look?” They laughed. “Amazing.” I tweaked Paul’s cheek. “Thanks babe. Let’s go, we gotta do this show.” We headed out to play. I grabbed my hot pink and black Fender guitar on the way out.
*~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***
“Hey you guys, are you ready to rock?” The crowd went crazy when Joel screamed into the mike. “Yeah, are you ready to roll? Are you ready to bounce to this, kids?” I cracked up into my mike. “Gosh Joel, you’re such a loser.” He stuck his tongue out at me. “Ain’t he sweet ladies and gents?” The crowd cheered again. “Yeah, aight we’re gonna start with this new song Katie wrote, it’s called Sympathize! Enjoy!” I played the guitar riff that started off the song.
“Welcome back to reality,
Just accept your own mortality.
Everyone is living the same lie.
Cry your tears you know we all do,
Everyone has the hard days too,
And we all hate this life.”
Joel joined in, harmonizing.
“I don’t want to go until I have to,
I don’t want to die without you,
But I accept that life moves on.”
I strummed my guitar, jumping around the stage as I yelled out the chorus,
“So I guess I should go,
So I guess I should know,
I guess I’m the odd one out again,
Once again.
I guess I’ll hide away,
Cuz one day I’ll fly away,
And leave this broken world behind,
Way far behind.
But until that day I guess I’ll stay,
Even though I don’t know why,
My life is just this way.
I guess that’s life.”
We head banged a bit as Billy and I played a crazy instrumental guitar solo. Joel started off the next verse.
“I know there’s a million reasons,
I know there’s a million seasons,
There’s a thousand things for me to say.
My heart is so full that it’s bursting,
My head is aching and I’m thirsting,
It’s just the way I want it today.”
I sang out with him,
“I don’t want to go until I have to,
I don’t want to die without you,
I’m so in love, I’m so in love with what we are...”
I riffed it up on the guitar, throwing us back into the chorus.
“So I guess I should go,
So I guess I should know,
I guess I’m the odd one out again,
Once again.
I guess I’ll hide away,
Cuz one day I’ll fly away,
And leave this broken world behind,
Way far behind.
But until that day I guess I’ll stay,
Even though I don’t know why,
My life is just this way.
I guess that’s life.”
The song came to an end, and I added the last flourish with my guitar. “Yeah! How’d you like that, kids?” They went wild. I laughed it up on the stage and we went into the next song, S.O.S. The concert went on until late in the night, and we had an absolute blast.
“And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight”
- Yellowcard
*~~***~~*
Remembering Benji was great and all, and so was being with Joel, but our number one priority was the show tonight. We headed inside the MI Center for our sound check. “Yo, Paul, you got my guitar right?” Paul glared at me from across the spacious floor, “Nah, I’m not your roadie. Billy’s got it, actually.” I went skipping over to where Billy was tuning my guitar. “Billeeeeee!” He turned around, “Yes Katiieeeeeeeeee?” I laughed and jumped into his lap as he put my guitar in the case beside him. “Hi.” He wrapped his arms around me, “What, are we relieving memories or something?” I shook my head, “Nah, but maybe you’ll get lucky later.” He grinned and whispered in my ear, “But what about Joel?” Joel was glancing at us suspiciously. I waved at him and blew him a kiss. He laughed and went back to talking to Chris about what song we should open with tonight. “Don’t worry about Joel” I whispered seductively in his ear, before bursting out in laughter and hopping off his lap. “You’re crazy!” He yelled after me as I went running off to beg Paul for some of his cheeseburger.
“Aight, testing, one two three. Testing, one two three. Can you hear me out there? Throw your hands in the air, and wave ‘em like ya just don’t care!” I was incredibly giddy tonight, all worked up about the show, so Joel let me test the mikes out. “I’m kind of regretting letting you test the mikes now.” I shoved Joel off the stage. “Hey! That hurt!” I laughed, “No it didn’t, you landed on a roadie. It’s okay. He’s having the time of his life.” The roadie pushed Joel off him, mumbling something about crazy kids. Billy, Paul and Chris burst out laughing. Joel pulled himself back up on stage, “Laugh it up you guys. Laugh it up.” I couldn’t help myself, he looked so sad. I threw my arms around him, “its okay babe, I still love you. Even if you are a goof.” He mumbled something into my hair. “What was that?” He pulled back and goes, “I know. But you’re an even bigger goof.” I just eyed him, “You want me to push you off stage again?” He laughed, “Nah, I’m good. Let’s rehearse, shall we?” He grabbed the other mike and turned to the rest of the band. “So, are we gonna play The Battle of Life and Death first tonight?” Billy nodded, “Yeah that would be good to open the show.” I picked up the other mike, “Yeah I agree. Um, can we play that new song I wrote second? You know the one I’ve been working on for a while?” Joel thought about it for a minute, “Sure, we’ve already worked out all the music for it so yeah let’s do it.” I cheered and jumped up and down, throwing my arms around him. “You rock.” He laughed, “No, you rock.” I grinned, “I do, don’t I?” Everyone laughed at that and I went back to the mike.
*~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~*
Four hours later…
“My gosh that’s a lot of people. Hey, are we gonna go out and say hi to the fans before the show?” I was looking out the window at the huge crowd milling around in front of the center. Paul and Chris were standing with me, watching people buying stuff, doing things, drinking, whatever. All of a sudden, someone spotted us in the window. “Oh my god! It’s Katie and Paul and Chris!” The crowd started screaming and waving at us and holding up posters. I waved at them. They yelled even louder. “Um, I don’t know if I really wanna go down there right now.” Billy had come up behind us, and was watching the people. “Yeah, but we owe it to the fans don’t we?” Joel walked up to join us, sparking more yells from the crowd. “True, but can we wait until after the show to do the meet and greet?” I nodded. “Yeah, cuz it’s show time.”
The doors opened and the people started streaming in. We headed down to our dressing rooms. The bands who were opening for us tonight, New Found Glory and Simple Plan, were hanging out in their dressing room already. It was huge. Pierre looked up when we came in. “Hey guys, what’s happening?” I shouted “Pierre!” and bounded across the room to jump on him. I didn’t know Simple Plan had arrived yet, and I hadn’t seen Pierre in forever, so I was unbelievably excited. “Hey beautiful, how you been?” I pecked him on the cheek. “I’m good. Are you ready to do this thing?” Joel walked in and saw me straddling Pierre, “Hey what’s going on here?” I laughed, “Don’t be jealous Joel, we’re just friends. I’m an extremely affectionate person. I need to get ready anyways. I’m going to our dressing room, k?” I got up off Pierre and headed out of the room.
I got to our dressing room and went through my things, trying to find the right thing to wear. We hadn’t played a show in forever, and I wanted to look good. “Don’t worry about what you wear, you look good in anything.” I looked up to find Pierre leaning in the doorway. “What are you doing here? I need to get ready.” He smiled, “We’ve got an hour before the show starts. Do you really need that long?” I laughed. “Nah I guess not. Does Joel know you’re in here?” He shook his head. “I didn’t think so.” He sat down on the sofa, “He still doesn’t know huh?” I plopped down next to him. “No. I never told him. Never told Benji either, but it’s a bit late for that isn’t it?” While I’d been on tour with Good Charlotte a few summers back, Pierre and I had a bit of a tryst. We’d never said a word to anyone. In fact, we’d promised we would never, even on pain of death, tell anyone. He smiled sadly at me. “I miss that.” I sighed, “We can’t Pierre, I’m with Joel. It would kill him.” He got up and locked the door, “Not even a little bit?”
He kissed me, pressing me down into the couch, his hands resting on my hips. I kissed him back, scooting backwards on the couch until we were lying down. He slid his hand up under my shirt, his tongue working wonders with my own. Oh my god, this was wrong. This was so wrong. But it felt so right. He pulled my shirt up over my head, kissing his way down my neck and chest. I hooked my thumbs in his belt loops and slid his jeans off, throwing them in a heap on the floor. He found my spot, at the side of my neck, sucking gently at it, and I moaned, “Pierre, I don’t know…if I can do this.” He bit my earlobe, “Then let me do it for you.” He pulled my jeans off and let them fall on top of his. I yanked his shirt up over his head and threw it across the room. “Take me.” He pulled down my underwear with one hand, and his boxers with the other. I unsnapped my bra and let it fall off the couch, he moved his mouth up to suck my nipple. A moan was ripped from my lips as he bit down. “Oh my god, don’t stop. Don’t stop.” A mere second later, he shoved himself inside me. A muffled scream escaped from my lips where his were pressed hard. I titled my hips upwards, he slammed into me hard, pulling out and then pressing back inside. I felt the orgasm building up inside me, the hunger, the aching need, sending me closer and closer to the edge. With one last thrust, he brought me into oblivion, bringing himself along with me. He pulled out slowly. “Pierre…” I moaned into his ear, feeling him stiffen against my leg again. He gazed into my eyes, bringing his hand up to cup my breast. I shrugged away from him. “No baby, please. I need you. I need this.” He was throbbing against my leg. I had the power to take him where I pleased. I grinned as I flipped over, so that I was on top of him. He watched me with greedy eyes as I kissed my way down his body. I slowly licked along his lower stomach, feeling the muscles twitch and tighten as I did. He groaned and gripped the sides of the couch, pushing his hips upwards, his body squirming under the assault. I moved my mouth farther down, biting his hip. He swore hoarsely, gripping my head with his hands. I let my lips travel even farther, suckling at the base of his erection. He moaned louder as I took his length inside my mouth. I brought him to the very edge of reason, and then pulled away, replacing my mouth with my hot, wet core. He gripped my hips with shaking hands as I brought us both over the edge. He moaned my name as he saw stars. “Katie…that was…” I collapsed on top of him, “Amazing? I know. I’m hot, aren’t I?” He shoved my shoulder, and I rolled off him and onto the floor. “So that’s it, Pierre? You were hot now get out? God, I feel like a groupie.” He laughed. “Nah, I just meant you oughta go get ready. You have 15 minutes.” I leaped to my feet, “Holy shit! Get out! The guys are gonna be in here soon! Go!” He chuckled, giving me a quick kiss before slipping quickly out of the room.
I got in the shower quick, skipping the shampoo cuz I didn’t have time. I was out in a few minutes, toweling off fast and heading out into the other room to get my clothes. I pulled on my bra and boy-shorts, not the ones I’d been wearing before, but a new pair and went and grabbed my other clothes off the floor, stuffing them in a dirty laundry bag. Were they ever. I was bent over, going through my bags for clothing, very aware of how much butt was hanging out of my cheeky lace underwear when all of a sudden the door burst open and the sound of laughter filled the air. “Whoa!” I turned around to find Billy, Joel, Chris, and Paul standing in the doorway, mouths hanging open. “You’re gonna catch flies that way. Shut your mouths. It’s not polite to stare.” Billy punched Joel in the arm. Chris couldn’t tear his eyes away. He was the only one there who hadn’t seen me in various stages of undress, on the bus or wherever. “Damn. Joel, I hate you so much right now.” Everyone burst out laughing. I shook my booty at them, “What? You think I’m hot, Chris?” He gasped as I came over to him and rubbed my butt against him. “Yeah. Very, very hot. Damn girl, you gotta stop or I can’t be responsible for what happens next.” I laughed and threw my arms around him. “Aight. I gotta get dressed anyways.” I went back over to my suitcase and took out a brand new black tank top with the words Cinderella Punk on it, a hot pink miniskirt, a pair of black fishnet stockings and my hot pink and black Chuck Taylors. I got dressed quick and twirled around for them to see. “How do I look?” They laughed. “Amazing.” I tweaked Paul’s cheek. “Thanks babe. Let’s go, we gotta do this show.” We headed out to play. I grabbed my hot pink and black Fender guitar on the way out.
*~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***
“Hey you guys, are you ready to rock?” The crowd went crazy when Joel screamed into the mike. “Yeah, are you ready to roll? Are you ready to bounce to this, kids?” I cracked up into my mike. “Gosh Joel, you’re such a loser.” He stuck his tongue out at me. “Ain’t he sweet ladies and gents?” The crowd cheered again. “Yeah, aight we’re gonna start with this new song Katie wrote, it’s called Sympathize! Enjoy!” I played the guitar riff that started off the song.
“Welcome back to reality,
Just accept your own mortality.
Everyone is living the same lie.
Cry your tears you know we all do,
Everyone has the hard days too,
And we all hate this life.”
Joel joined in, harmonizing.
“I don’t want to go until I have to,
I don’t want to die without you,
But I accept that life moves on.”
I strummed my guitar, jumping around the stage as I yelled out the chorus,
“So I guess I should go,
So I guess I should know,
I guess I’m the odd one out again,
Once again.
I guess I’ll hide away,
Cuz one day I’ll fly away,
And leave this broken world behind,
Way far behind.
But until that day I guess I’ll stay,
Even though I don’t know why,
My life is just this way.
I guess that’s life.”
We head banged a bit as Billy and I played a crazy instrumental guitar solo. Joel started off the next verse.
“I know there’s a million reasons,
I know there’s a million seasons,
There’s a thousand things for me to say.
My heart is so full that it’s bursting,
My head is aching and I’m thirsting,
It’s just the way I want it today.”
I sang out with him,
“I don’t want to go until I have to,
I don’t want to die without you,
I’m so in love, I’m so in love with what we are...”
I riffed it up on the guitar, throwing us back into the chorus.
“So I guess I should go,
So I guess I should know,
I guess I’m the odd one out again,
Once again.
I guess I’ll hide away,
Cuz one day I’ll fly away,
And leave this broken world behind,
Way far behind.
But until that day I guess I’ll stay,
Even though I don’t know why,
My life is just this way.
I guess that’s life.”
The song came to an end, and I added the last flourish with my guitar. “Yeah! How’d you like that, kids?” They went wild. I laughed it up on the stage and we went into the next song, S.O.S. The concert went on until late in the night, and we had an absolute blast.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Chapter 9
Chapter 9:
“Memories roll in,
of the things you once did
and who you had shared them with.”
- Coheed & Cambria
"It’s something unpredictable, but in the end its right, I hope you had the time of your life…” I was bouncing around my room getting ready for HFStival. I was the happiest I had been in a while. I was 18 years old, officially, and ready to go. We’d just graduated high school, thank god. I’d been dating Benji for like 2 years now, and we were tighter than ever. “So take the photographs and still frames in your mind, hang them on a shelf in good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial…” I smiled as I looked at the tattoos on my arms. Benj had begged at his favorite tattoo parlor for them to let him do a tattoo on me. They’d relented, maybe because he’d promised he was getting a new tat that day anyway. So he’d made an awesome dragon on my right shoulder, where people could see it when I wore sleeveless tops. It had a scroll in its hands that said ‘Benji & Katie’ and underneath the dragon there was a little handwriting thing that said ‘1996 – forever’. It had nearly made me cry, it was so beautiful. I had asked the tattoo guy to do my next one, a tattoo on my left forearm, of Alice from Alice in Wonderland, my favorite movie ever. I smiled. Benj had told me that day that now I was an official riot girl. That had brought my total number of tattoos up to 5, including the butterfly on my lower back, the nautical stars on my stomach below my belly button, and the Chinese lettering on the back of my neck. I was so happy about them, and about my lip piercing, which I had gotten the day I turned 18. Benj had taken me for that one too. And the nose piercing.
“For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while…” I twirled about, in a happy daze, grabbing clothes off the bed and sorting through them, trying to find my Blondie tank top. They were playing today, and I wanted to show my love and also I just loved the shirt. I found my shirt, oh goody. Last year’s show had been awesome! Garbage had played, and Goldfinger, two bands I loved. And Jimmie’s Chicken Shack was playing this year again. I was almost entirely dressed, but still humming to myself, so I didn’t hear the door open. “It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right…” I whirled around, realizing I wasn’t alone. Someone else was singing. “I hope you had the time of your life…” I threw my arms around Benji. “Don’t sneak up on me like that!” I playfully smacked his arm. “What? You don’t like my singing?” I laughed, “You know how much I love your singing. Now, have you seen my new wristband?” He grinned sheepishly, and pulled it off his wrist. “Sorry, I stole it for a while. Didn’t think you’d notice.” I grabbed my pillow and started whacking him with it, “Thief! How dare you!” I took my wristband from him and pulled it on quickly. “So are you ready to go then?” He put on a puppy-dog look, trying to get me to forgive him quicker. “Yeah, let’s go.” I popped a kiss on his lips and grabbed my purse as I went out the door.
It was still early in the day when me, Benji, Joel, Billy and Paul got to the stadium. I was so hyped up on sheer energy; I was bouncing around the whole place like crazy. “Jees Kate, calm down, we haven’t even gotten in the pit yet. Save some of it for later.” I bounced over to Joel and jumped on him, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. “What? No way! I’m so excited!!” He laughed and gave me a squeeze before dropping me to the ground. I bounced off to Benji, hopping in circles around him. He draped an arm around me and whispered in my ear, “Calm down baby, we gotta go get good spots in the pit.” I calmed a bit and let him steer me off towards the sectioned off area. “Hey, do u guys want anything to eat? I’m starving!” Paul nudged me in the arm until I turned his way. “Um…yeah actually I am hungry. Let’s get some nourishment before we get in the pit.” We all headed off for the refreshment stands. “Hey, Katie, c’mere a second.” I wrapped an arm around Benji. “Okay, hang on a second…Hey Joel! Get me a beer wouldya? And a slice of pizza! I’ll pay you back later.” He nodded to show he’d heard me, and Benj led me off to the side. “So what did you want to talk to me about?” He just locked his eyes on mine, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me close to him. “Just this.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. I deepened the kiss, pressing myself closer to him. When we pulled away, I sighed a contented sigh. “So you just wanted an excuse to make-out? Smooth Benjamin, smooth.” He laughed and steered me back towards the refreshment stands.
I tiptoed up behind Joel and threw my hands over his eyes, “Guess who”. He yanked my hands away and turned around to hand me my beer and pizza. “Mmmm pizza.” Benji grabbed my slice and took a bite. “Hey! I had to pay for that you know!” Joel punched him in the arm. “Oh, well you want a bite too, bro?” I took my pizza back. “Thanks a lot. Now there’s like none left.” I ate the pizza anyway and before I knew it, had downed about 3 beers. “Come on you guys; let’s get in the pit quickly, before it fills up.” I laughed at Billy’s remark, but I didn’t know why. Oh yeah, I was drunk. “Ooooooook Billay!” I sauntered over to him and put my arm around his waist, “Lead the way!” He just took one look at me and grimaced, “Oh man, she’s plastered.” Benji came over and I leaned on him as we headed into the pit. We were in the pit for like 5 hours. I was on Benji’s shoulders at one point, but I kinda toppled off. “I wanna crowd surf! Throw me up Benj!” He just shook his head at me, “Not when you’re this drunk. You might hurt yourself.” I ignored him and tapped the guy next to me, “I wanna crowd surf, will you push me up there?” I smiled and batted my eyes. He grabbed me around the waist and threw me up on top of the crowd. I ended up right in front of the stage, where the security guard helped me down. Jimmie’s Chicken Shack was playing, and I started jumping up and down and yelling, “Hey Jimmie! Hey! It’s Katie!!” His face broke out in a huge grin, “Oh my gosh. Hey guys! Guess what? One of my friends is here in the mosh pit! Should we pull her on stage?” The crowd roared. He reached down and pulled me up onto the stage. He gave me a huge hug and I waved at everybody down in the pit, before I said bye to Jimmie and jumped into the crowd.
Later, when the bands were winding down, at about midnight, I pulled out my cell phone so I could call Joel and find out where the guys were. “Joel? Where are you guys?” Somebody handed me a beer and I slurped it down. “Um…me and Billy are over by the merchandise booth. But we don’t know where Paul and Benj are.” I downed another beer, “Hang on, be there in a few.” I finished drinking my beer and headed off to find the guys. When I got to the merchandise stand, Billy was the only one standing there. “Hey, Joel went off to find the others.” I nodded and slumped against him. “Billy, I love you.” He just looked at me like I was nuts. “Yeah I love you too, we all do. Now what the heck is wrong with you?” I smiled up at him, “Nothing’s wrong. I love you.” Yeah I was really drunk. Really really drunk. I leaned up against him and pressed my lips to his. He didn’t resist, even though he knew I was drunk and that this would probably get us in trouble. He kissed me back. He laced his fingers together behind my back; I wrapped my arms around his neck. We were really going at it now, making out, not just clandestine kissing. “What the f-?” I pulled away from Billy, turning around to find an enraged Benji. “Hi Benj, what’s going on?” I could practically see the steam coming out of his ears. “What’s going on? What the hell, Katie? You were making out with Billy! You little slut! And what the hell, Billy? You know that she’s dating me, what are you doing?” I glared at him, “Lighten up Benji.” He exploded. “Lighten up? You whore! I cannot believe I’m in love with you, when you’re apparently not that in love with me!” He rushed off. I just didn’t get it at that point, I was too wrecked. “What is up with him?” Joel grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. Billy pulled him off me, “Come on man, you can’t reason with her when she’s drunk. Let’s get her home. You go get Benji.” He put his arm around me and brought me back to the car, where I promptly fell asleep.
*~~***~~**~~*>
“Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine”
– Green Day<
*~~***~~*
When I came to, I was in my bed at the Madden’s house. I sat up; it was the middle of the night. I was very confused, I thought we left HSFstival at midnight…oh my gosh, was it the NEXT night? God I must have been drunk. I got up, discovering I was in my underwear. I grabbed the hoodie and jeans that were lying next to my bed and opened the door slowly. I heard voices coming from a room down the hall, the twins’ room. I crept closer to the partially open door.
“I just can’t believe she would do something like that!”
“She was drunk Benj, it didn’t mean anything.”
“Yeah but Billy wasn’t drunk and he kissed her back!”
“What else was I supposed to do? I was afraid if I pushed her away she’d walk away and get lost or hurt or something.”
“That’s not an excuse Billy! Do you have feelings for her? Cuz if you do, then you should just tell us already! Don’t do something slimy like that.”
“Maybe I felt something for her, but I know how much she loves you Benji, and I’d never try and break you guys up. It was an honest mistake to kiss her back.”
“I know you’d never break us up, and I know it was a mistake. It hurts though. I love her so much, and I thought she loved me too. But now I’m afraid that she doesn’t love me as much as I thought she did.”
“She does love you. She loves you so much. She was just really drunk and didn’t know what she was doing.”“But it still happened.”
“Yeah it did happen. But you guys need to work it out. You’re meant for each other. We all know it.”
“I don’t know if I can trust her again.”
I pushed the door open slowly, revealing Benji and Joel sitting on Benji’s bed, and Billy and Paul lounging on the floor. “Hey guys…” I smiled weakly. Benji dropped his head down into his hands. Joel gave me a weak smile. “Hi Katie. Come in.” I plopped down on the floor next to Billy, who put his arm around me. “Benj...” He wouldn’t even look at me. I crossed over to the bed and knelt in front of him. “Benji, look at me. Benjamin Levi Madden, look at me.” He looked up. “Benj I don’t even know what happened last night. I don’t remember a thing. Maybe I will later. But whatever I did, it hurt you deeply. So I’m apologizing for whatever I did that caused you so much pain.” He took my face in his hands, “You had too much to drink and you made out with Billy.” I just stared at him in shock, “Holy shit! I did that?” He nodded glumly. “Oh my god, Benji I am so sorry. You know I love you and that I would never have done that if I were sober. I’m so sorry.” I threw my arms around him. He held me, and we both shed tears. “Can you forgive me?” He pulled away from me. “I love you, so I have to. But I don’t know if I can trust you not to hurt me like that again.” I pulled him against me once more. “You’re going to have to. If you truly love me, you’ll have to believe in me.”
I looked up at the stadium, looming impressively in the sunlight. “Penny for your thoughts…” I turned to see Joel standing there. “Nothing…just remembering things.” He nodded knowingly, “The 1997 HFStival? I remember that.” I smiled as he wrapped his arms around me. “It wasn’t such a great day, the bands were awesome, but I was so afraid for a while there that I had lost Benji.” I realized the gravity of what I’d just said. “I have lost Benji.” Joel spun me around, “Nah, he’s with you always. In here.” He took my hand and placed it over my heart. “And in here.” He placed my hand over his heart. “And I still think he’s communicating silently with me sometimes, you know, in my head. Like saying take care of Katie. Make sure she’s happy. And that he loves you.” I smiled. It was a pretty picture.
“Memories roll in,
of the things you once did
and who you had shared them with.”
- Coheed & Cambria
"It’s something unpredictable, but in the end its right, I hope you had the time of your life…” I was bouncing around my room getting ready for HFStival. I was the happiest I had been in a while. I was 18 years old, officially, and ready to go. We’d just graduated high school, thank god. I’d been dating Benji for like 2 years now, and we were tighter than ever. “So take the photographs and still frames in your mind, hang them on a shelf in good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial…” I smiled as I looked at the tattoos on my arms. Benj had begged at his favorite tattoo parlor for them to let him do a tattoo on me. They’d relented, maybe because he’d promised he was getting a new tat that day anyway. So he’d made an awesome dragon on my right shoulder, where people could see it when I wore sleeveless tops. It had a scroll in its hands that said ‘Benji & Katie’ and underneath the dragon there was a little handwriting thing that said ‘1996 – forever’. It had nearly made me cry, it was so beautiful. I had asked the tattoo guy to do my next one, a tattoo on my left forearm, of Alice from Alice in Wonderland, my favorite movie ever. I smiled. Benj had told me that day that now I was an official riot girl. That had brought my total number of tattoos up to 5, including the butterfly on my lower back, the nautical stars on my stomach below my belly button, and the Chinese lettering on the back of my neck. I was so happy about them, and about my lip piercing, which I had gotten the day I turned 18. Benj had taken me for that one too. And the nose piercing.
“For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while…” I twirled about, in a happy daze, grabbing clothes off the bed and sorting through them, trying to find my Blondie tank top. They were playing today, and I wanted to show my love and also I just loved the shirt. I found my shirt, oh goody. Last year’s show had been awesome! Garbage had played, and Goldfinger, two bands I loved. And Jimmie’s Chicken Shack was playing this year again. I was almost entirely dressed, but still humming to myself, so I didn’t hear the door open. “It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right…” I whirled around, realizing I wasn’t alone. Someone else was singing. “I hope you had the time of your life…” I threw my arms around Benji. “Don’t sneak up on me like that!” I playfully smacked his arm. “What? You don’t like my singing?” I laughed, “You know how much I love your singing. Now, have you seen my new wristband?” He grinned sheepishly, and pulled it off his wrist. “Sorry, I stole it for a while. Didn’t think you’d notice.” I grabbed my pillow and started whacking him with it, “Thief! How dare you!” I took my wristband from him and pulled it on quickly. “So are you ready to go then?” He put on a puppy-dog look, trying to get me to forgive him quicker. “Yeah, let’s go.” I popped a kiss on his lips and grabbed my purse as I went out the door.
It was still early in the day when me, Benji, Joel, Billy and Paul got to the stadium. I was so hyped up on sheer energy; I was bouncing around the whole place like crazy. “Jees Kate, calm down, we haven’t even gotten in the pit yet. Save some of it for later.” I bounced over to Joel and jumped on him, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. “What? No way! I’m so excited!!” He laughed and gave me a squeeze before dropping me to the ground. I bounced off to Benji, hopping in circles around him. He draped an arm around me and whispered in my ear, “Calm down baby, we gotta go get good spots in the pit.” I calmed a bit and let him steer me off towards the sectioned off area. “Hey, do u guys want anything to eat? I’m starving!” Paul nudged me in the arm until I turned his way. “Um…yeah actually I am hungry. Let’s get some nourishment before we get in the pit.” We all headed off for the refreshment stands. “Hey, Katie, c’mere a second.” I wrapped an arm around Benji. “Okay, hang on a second…Hey Joel! Get me a beer wouldya? And a slice of pizza! I’ll pay you back later.” He nodded to show he’d heard me, and Benj led me off to the side. “So what did you want to talk to me about?” He just locked his eyes on mine, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me close to him. “Just this.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. I deepened the kiss, pressing myself closer to him. When we pulled away, I sighed a contented sigh. “So you just wanted an excuse to make-out? Smooth Benjamin, smooth.” He laughed and steered me back towards the refreshment stands.
I tiptoed up behind Joel and threw my hands over his eyes, “Guess who”. He yanked my hands away and turned around to hand me my beer and pizza. “Mmmm pizza.” Benji grabbed my slice and took a bite. “Hey! I had to pay for that you know!” Joel punched him in the arm. “Oh, well you want a bite too, bro?” I took my pizza back. “Thanks a lot. Now there’s like none left.” I ate the pizza anyway and before I knew it, had downed about 3 beers. “Come on you guys; let’s get in the pit quickly, before it fills up.” I laughed at Billy’s remark, but I didn’t know why. Oh yeah, I was drunk. “Ooooooook Billay!” I sauntered over to him and put my arm around his waist, “Lead the way!” He just took one look at me and grimaced, “Oh man, she’s plastered.” Benji came over and I leaned on him as we headed into the pit. We were in the pit for like 5 hours. I was on Benji’s shoulders at one point, but I kinda toppled off. “I wanna crowd surf! Throw me up Benj!” He just shook his head at me, “Not when you’re this drunk. You might hurt yourself.” I ignored him and tapped the guy next to me, “I wanna crowd surf, will you push me up there?” I smiled and batted my eyes. He grabbed me around the waist and threw me up on top of the crowd. I ended up right in front of the stage, where the security guard helped me down. Jimmie’s Chicken Shack was playing, and I started jumping up and down and yelling, “Hey Jimmie! Hey! It’s Katie!!” His face broke out in a huge grin, “Oh my gosh. Hey guys! Guess what? One of my friends is here in the mosh pit! Should we pull her on stage?” The crowd roared. He reached down and pulled me up onto the stage. He gave me a huge hug and I waved at everybody down in the pit, before I said bye to Jimmie and jumped into the crowd.
Later, when the bands were winding down, at about midnight, I pulled out my cell phone so I could call Joel and find out where the guys were. “Joel? Where are you guys?” Somebody handed me a beer and I slurped it down. “Um…me and Billy are over by the merchandise booth. But we don’t know where Paul and Benj are.” I downed another beer, “Hang on, be there in a few.” I finished drinking my beer and headed off to find the guys. When I got to the merchandise stand, Billy was the only one standing there. “Hey, Joel went off to find the others.” I nodded and slumped against him. “Billy, I love you.” He just looked at me like I was nuts. “Yeah I love you too, we all do. Now what the heck is wrong with you?” I smiled up at him, “Nothing’s wrong. I love you.” Yeah I was really drunk. Really really drunk. I leaned up against him and pressed my lips to his. He didn’t resist, even though he knew I was drunk and that this would probably get us in trouble. He kissed me back. He laced his fingers together behind my back; I wrapped my arms around his neck. We were really going at it now, making out, not just clandestine kissing. “What the f-?” I pulled away from Billy, turning around to find an enraged Benji. “Hi Benj, what’s going on?” I could practically see the steam coming out of his ears. “What’s going on? What the hell, Katie? You were making out with Billy! You little slut! And what the hell, Billy? You know that she’s dating me, what are you doing?” I glared at him, “Lighten up Benji.” He exploded. “Lighten up? You whore! I cannot believe I’m in love with you, when you’re apparently not that in love with me!” He rushed off. I just didn’t get it at that point, I was too wrecked. “What is up with him?” Joel grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. Billy pulled him off me, “Come on man, you can’t reason with her when she’s drunk. Let’s get her home. You go get Benji.” He put his arm around me and brought me back to the car, where I promptly fell asleep.
*~~***~~**~~*>
“Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine”
– Green Day<
*~~***~~*
When I came to, I was in my bed at the Madden’s house. I sat up; it was the middle of the night. I was very confused, I thought we left HSFstival at midnight…oh my gosh, was it the NEXT night? God I must have been drunk. I got up, discovering I was in my underwear. I grabbed the hoodie and jeans that were lying next to my bed and opened the door slowly. I heard voices coming from a room down the hall, the twins’ room. I crept closer to the partially open door.
“I just can’t believe she would do something like that!”
“She was drunk Benj, it didn’t mean anything.”
“Yeah but Billy wasn’t drunk and he kissed her back!”
“What else was I supposed to do? I was afraid if I pushed her away she’d walk away and get lost or hurt or something.”
“That’s not an excuse Billy! Do you have feelings for her? Cuz if you do, then you should just tell us already! Don’t do something slimy like that.”
“Maybe I felt something for her, but I know how much she loves you Benji, and I’d never try and break you guys up. It was an honest mistake to kiss her back.”
“I know you’d never break us up, and I know it was a mistake. It hurts though. I love her so much, and I thought she loved me too. But now I’m afraid that she doesn’t love me as much as I thought she did.”
“She does love you. She loves you so much. She was just really drunk and didn’t know what she was doing.”“But it still happened.”
“Yeah it did happen. But you guys need to work it out. You’re meant for each other. We all know it.”
“I don’t know if I can trust her again.”
I pushed the door open slowly, revealing Benji and Joel sitting on Benji’s bed, and Billy and Paul lounging on the floor. “Hey guys…” I smiled weakly. Benji dropped his head down into his hands. Joel gave me a weak smile. “Hi Katie. Come in.” I plopped down on the floor next to Billy, who put his arm around me. “Benj...” He wouldn’t even look at me. I crossed over to the bed and knelt in front of him. “Benji, look at me. Benjamin Levi Madden, look at me.” He looked up. “Benj I don’t even know what happened last night. I don’t remember a thing. Maybe I will later. But whatever I did, it hurt you deeply. So I’m apologizing for whatever I did that caused you so much pain.” He took my face in his hands, “You had too much to drink and you made out with Billy.” I just stared at him in shock, “Holy shit! I did that?” He nodded glumly. “Oh my god, Benji I am so sorry. You know I love you and that I would never have done that if I were sober. I’m so sorry.” I threw my arms around him. He held me, and we both shed tears. “Can you forgive me?” He pulled away from me. “I love you, so I have to. But I don’t know if I can trust you not to hurt me like that again.” I pulled him against me once more. “You’re going to have to. If you truly love me, you’ll have to believe in me.”
I looked up at the stadium, looming impressively in the sunlight. “Penny for your thoughts…” I turned to see Joel standing there. “Nothing…just remembering things.” He nodded knowingly, “The 1997 HFStival? I remember that.” I smiled as he wrapped his arms around me. “It wasn’t such a great day, the bands were awesome, but I was so afraid for a while there that I had lost Benji.” I realized the gravity of what I’d just said. “I have lost Benji.” Joel spun me around, “Nah, he’s with you always. In here.” He took my hand and placed it over my heart. “And in here.” He placed my hand over his heart. “And I still think he’s communicating silently with me sometimes, you know, in my head. Like saying take care of Katie. Make sure she’s happy. And that he loves you.” I smiled. It was a pretty picture.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Chapter 8
Chapter 8
"Asleep at the wheel 40 miles left to go
rollin' in on fumes to rock the show"
- MxPx
*~~***~~*
I woke up to what sounded like an entire building being demolished next to my ear. “What the hell?” I rolled out of bed and ran for the bus door. The building next to us had suddenly burst into flames. Holy shit. “Joel! Billy! Paul! Chris!” I ran back towards the bunks screaming at the top of my lungs. “Wake up, goddamnit! The hotel just went up in smoke! Wake up!” I pulled back the curtains on Billy and Paul’s bunks. Who gave a damn if they were decent, this was an emergency. Billy squinted into the light, “What the…” I didn’t let him finish, I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him over to the door. “Hello? Hotel in flames here! Let’s get a move on!! Wake Chris up, I’ll get Joel.” Paul emerged from the back lounge, wavering on his feet, trying to make sense of what was going on. Billy grabbed him and started explaining as I rushed to my bunk to wake Joel.
“Joel, get up, now! The hotel’s on…” I trailed off. Joel wasn’t in my bunk. I rushed over to his bunk, pulling the curtain back. No Joel. Oh god no. Please no. I went rushing for the front of the bus. “I can’t find Joel. Have you seen him?” They all shook their heads, and then leaped into action, checking every corner of the bus trying to find him. Please God, don’t let this be happening. Let him be fine. Let him be here. Don’t do this to me. The words chanted themselves over and over in my head. I heard a muffled snort from above me. It came from Benji’s old bunk. I rushed for the ladder, climbing up it in about two steps and throwing the curtain back. “Joel! Oh my god, you scared the crap out of me! Don’t ever, ever do that again! Why weren’t you in our bunk you dumbass?” He was still half asleep and looking at me like I’d just gone totally nuts on him, which I kind of had. I threw my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He hugged me back and then just gave me a questioning look. “Oh, yeah. By the way, while you were sleeping, the hotel caught on fire! Now get up, we gotta do something!” I stumbled down the ladder, he leaped off it behind me and we were out the door in a few seconds to join the others. We stood there for a second, trying to figure out what to do, before rushing off in different directions. Joel, Billy and me went running towards the hotel, to try and help get people out. Paul had his cell phone out and dialing 911. Chris went to wake up our bus driver.
Suddenly, the entire hotel exploded. And I mean exploded. It seemed to happen in slow motion. Billy saw it coming first, and yelled. “Go back! Go back! Get down!” Joel grabbed my arm and yanked me back towards the bus. I grabbed Billy with my other arm, pulling him after me. The three of us hit the ground somewhere behind the bus, rolling to a stop. The boom that came from the hotel was deafening. Paul and Chris hit the ground next to us, covering their heads. Joel and Billy threw themselves on top of me, and I found myself covering their faces with my hands. God, no, don’t let this be happening. Pieces of hotel and random shit started falling down all around us. Joel tightened his grip around me. The world turned black as night. I closed my eyes and prayed.
When it was over, we all got up to survey the damage. The bus driver had woken up when he heard the explosion, and luckily the bus hadn’t been damaged. Joel helped me up and we went to make sure everyone was alright. Chris had been hit with a piece of flying something and had a cut on his shoulder, but other than that we were all okay. Paul went to get the first aid kit to bandage Chris’ shoulder. We didn’t know what to do really. Should we stay, and wait for authorities to get there? Or just leave? We decided to stay. Paul had already called 911, and about 5 minutes later the fire trucks and ambulances showed up. They put out the fire and then a bunch of investigators were sent in to determine what had happened. They let us get back on the bus, but held us there until the cause was determined. They were afraid whoever had done this to the hotel was after us.
A few hours later, a policewoman came onto the bus and told us the grim news. “Well, we’ve determined the cause of the explosion was a bomb detonated from inside the basement of the hotel. It was a two part bomb, which is why you saw two explosions. We’ve found enough evidence to link it to a felon. We believe he is after you. Now, don’t panic. We’re sure nothing more should happen. We’ve got the whole country on alert to find this guy. And we’re giving you an armed escort to your concert tomorrow night. You guys are gonna be safe as you can be.” The whole time she was speaking, I was clutching Joel so tight I was surprised he hadn’t lost circulation to his arm. I realized it and loosened my grip. We were all freaked out. The police officer told us we were free to leave, and that there were police cars that would be following us. The bus driver started up the bus.
None of us had moved. I let my head fall down to Joel’s shoulder. “Why us? Why is everything happening to us? Do you hate me God?” I looked over at Joel with morbid fascination, “Why would God hate you? Did you do something to piss this guy off? It’s not your fault.” He sighed and laid his head on top of mine. “I guess not, but it sure feels like it.” I rubbed my thumb over the palm of his hand, “Relax. We’ve got an escort. We’re going to be okay.” Billy looked up from where he had his head in his hands. “Going to be okay? Going to be okay? Katie, some madman just blew up the hotel whose parking lot we were in! We are not okay!” Paul looked over at him like he’d just sprouted another head. We weren’t used to Billy acting this way. “I say…we’ve only got one life to live…and we should live it to the fullest. Even if some madman is after us.” I turned to look at Chris, who had been silent until now. He grinned at me and I looped an arm around his shoulders. “Exactly. I’m not afraid of death. It’d be a cake walk next to the shit we’ve all been through. Accept your mortality and let’s just live it up! Come on, what are we gonna do, sit around and obsess? Bite our nails and get really paranoid? Okay, either the guy kills us or he doesn’t. And by the looks of that escort, I’m thinking he doesn’t have much of a chance. Lighten up.”
Billy looked at me, and I don’t think I have ever seen such a look. It was full of hatred and anger, and I got the feeling that he could see right through me, down to my very soul. I was shaken by that look. I found myself shivering. “I know you’re scared Katie. Admit it. Don’t give me that ‘let’s live life to the fullest’ crap. You’re as scared as I am.” I let my arm drop from around Chris’ shoulder. “Of course I’m scared! But just being scared all the time is not going to help us! Would it have helped me to just be scared when my dad started hitting me? Should I have just stood there, quaking, and accepted it? Bullshit! I ran away the first chance I got. You know that, you were there when it all happened. Halfway through senior year. And you guys helped me through. And, yeah, I was scared to go to the police. And I was scared to tell them what was going on. I was scared to death. How easy would it have been for my dad to track me down and hurt me more? How easy? But if I never told, he wouldn’t be behind bars right now, and he might have done worse to me. Would it have better if I was just scared and let him kill me Billy?”
The gleam in his eyes was gone. There was a look of fear there that I knew was in my eyes as well. “I don’t wanna fight with you anymore. I know we need to just calm down and shit but I’m scared. I’m terrified. I don’t want to lose anyone else.” I got up and went to where he was sitting, kneeling at his feet. “I know. We all know. More than anyone else, we know. We’ve all lost someone. Some of us have lost more than others. But we all keep going. You know why? Because life is worth it. And if it comes down to it, I’ll protect you Billy. I’ll put my own life on the line, for any of you. I would gladly sacrifice myself for you guys.” He reached out and drew me into a gentle embrace. I hugged him back. When we pulled away, he smiled at me. “Well, how about some video games then?” I punched him in the shoulder, “is that all you think about?” He waggled his eyebrows at me, “it’s not all I think about.” He looked me up and down slowly, and I grabbed a pillow off the nearest bed and chased him up and down the aisle of the tour bus, whacking him repeatedly with it.
*~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~*
"Here I go, scream my lungs out
and try to get to you.
You are my only one.
I let go, there's just no one
that gets me like you do.
You are my only, my only one"
- Yellowcard
*~~***~~*
We were on the bus all night and early into the morning. When we pulled into our first stop on the new tour, Waldorf, I was sleeping in my bunk with my arms curled around Joel. “Hey, get up, we’re home!” I stirred at the sound of Paul’s voice, but the meaning didn’t sink in. A few seconds later, I realized it. I nudged Joel, “we’re home! We’re finally home!” He smiled and gave me a quick kiss. “Well? Let’s get a move on sleepyhead!” He scowled at me and rolled out of the bunk. I was up in a flash, grabbing clothing and yanking my pajamas off, regardless of who might see me. I was in just my underwear and bra when Billy threw the curtain back on his bunk. “Whoa, I could get used to seeing that every time I wake up. Joel! You lucky bastard!” I smirked and shoved him back into the bunk, pulling on my jeans and shirt quickly. I rushed to the front of the bus to grab my Chucks and plunked down on a chair to pull them on. Paul was jumping up and down with excitement in the doorway of the bus. “Come on, come on come on! Let’s go, let’s go!” He turned to go out the bus door and I jumped on his back. “Yeah Paul let’s go, let’s go! I want a piggyback ride!” He stumbled down the steps and started running around in circles, bouncing me up and down on his back. “Are you two done? Cuz we really want to go say hi to everybody, you know.” I slid off Paul’s back, “Jealous, Chris?” I went right up to him and stood about two inches from his nose. He just looked at me and then blew air in my face. “We all are,” he looked straight at Joel, “you’re a lucky man”. Joel grinned, “I am, aren’t I?”
He let his eyes stray down the length of me and then back up. I sashayed over to him and put my hands on his hips. “You better believe it.” The smile disappeared from his face, and he leaned in, pressing his lips to mine and wrapping his arms around my waist. He deepened it, prying my lips open with his tongue. I moaned his name against his lips and his hand came up to cup my breast before he released me. “Damn. You are lucky.” We turned around and realized the rest of the guys were watching us. “Okay, let’s go and see everybody!” We headed to the rental car that was waiting, a nice SUV big enough for all of us. “I wanna drive! I wanna drive!” I went running for the driver’s side, pulling the door open and hopping in. Joel got in the passenger seat and threw me the keys while Billy, Paul and Chris got in the backseat. “Watch out, Katie’s driving! Get off the road!” I shot Billy a dirty look, “I’ll get you. You better watch out.” He waggled his eyebrows at me but was quiet.
I drove us down towards the neighborhood where our families still lived. I parked the car in the driveway of Mrs. Madden’s house. Joel leaped out of the car and went running for the front door. “MOM!! We’re home!! MOM!!” The door flew open and Robin stepped out to meet her son. It was a touching moment, but he almost bowled her over. We laughed and decided to split up so we could say hi to everyone at once. Billy and Paul got out, heading for their respective houses. Chris went with Billy, since his family lived in Utah. I turned the car off and got out. “Katie! Oh my gosh it’s so nice to see you. It’s been so long.” I was enfolded in Robin’s arms. “Hi mom. How are you?” I had spent the last half of senior year living with the Maddens, but even before then I had been a permanent fixture at the house, so she had always told me to call her mom. We headed inside. Joel went into the kitchen with his mom to get drinks.
I stood and looked at the pictures on the mantelpiece. There was one of the twins as babies, with Josh holding them. There was another one, taken shortly after I had met the twins, when we were all in 8th grade. I was sitting in the middle of the two of them, and they both had their arms around me and their heads on my shoulder. My god, we were all so young back then. There was another one, taken after Benji and I had finally confessed our love for each other. I was sitting on his lap with my arms around his neck, and though I was staring at the camera, he was looking at me. I smiled at that one. That was sophomore year, the beginning of it. Gosh it seemed so long ago. There was a very recent picture, taken when we’d been back home for a while, before the accident. It was of Benji and Joel, sitting on the couch. I was sitting on both their laps, in the middle, with my arms around them. They were both kissing my cheeks, and I was laughing. That one made me tear up a bit.
“That’s one of my favorites too.” I whirled around and found Joel watching me. “Hey. I kinda got caught up in remembering all those times.” He walked over to stand next to me. “I remember this one,” he pointed at a picture, from when we’d gone to visit Islands of Adventure a couple of years ago. It was taken of us on the Jurassic Park water ride. I was sitting in between them, and we all had looks of mock horror on our faces, as if the T-rex had actually scared us. Benji had thrown an arm around me, and Joel had his arms up in the air. I had a look on my face that was between horror and sheer glee. I remembered that day. It was one of the best. “I remember that. And I remember the Cat in the Hat ride too. That was really fun.” I laughed at his comment, remembering.
“Hey, let’s go on this one! I love the Cat in the Hat!” Benji gave me a puppy-dog pout, but I pretended like it wasn’t working on me. Finally I gave in, because Joel joined in with his own puppy face. We got in line and finally it was our turn. We smushed ourselves into the front seat of the car, though it was made for two people. We never listened to anyone. I smiled; here I was in between the two again. Never a bad thing. The ride started going and I was surprised to find myself enjoying it. Maybe because every time the ride turned, I ended up falling on top of either Benj or Joel. “I hope you two are having fun Cuz this is making me dizzy.” They laughed at me. “If you keep falling on us, I’m sure we'll be just fine "I attempted to punch Joel in the arm, missed, and fell across his lap. “Oh yeah baby. Don’t move.”
I looked up at him and reached up, pulling his face down to mine, like I was going to kiss him. Instead, I let my lips get very close to his, and then pulled away laughing. “Tease.” I gave him a shocked look as I tried to keep myself from falling again. “No, I’m just dating your brother. Who’s sitting on the other side of me.” He looked over like he hadn’t known that. “So if he wasn’t here…” I glanced at Benj, who was watching, interested. “Then I would definitely do you, right here, right now.” Joel’s eyes widened. “Really?” I was giggling. I stopped when I saw the look on Benji’s face. “Yeah. But don’t look so sad Benji, if Joel wasn’t here, I would do you right now.” He smiled broadly and kissed me quickly. The ride turned again and I fell across Benji’s lap. “Wow this ride is fun. Don’t you agree, Joel?” I poked Benji in the stomach, and then felt arms around me from the other side. Joel had his hands moving up towards my breasts. Benji, on the other side, was kissing me deeply. I was surprised to find myself liking this. It was probably wrong, but who cared. I kissed Benji, moaning against his lips. Joel was practically humping me from behind, his arms tight around me. I didn’t even try to resist, I just let them do what they wanted. It felt so good. Suddenly, the ride came to a stop. It was over. I broke the kiss, and wriggled out of Joel’s grasp. “Dammit. So close.” I pushed Joel out of the car, “in your dreams, stud.” I took both Joel and Benji’s hands in mine and skipped between them as we headed back outside.
“Yeah. That was a fun ride.” Joel wrapped his arms around me from behind. I turned my head and pressed my lips to his. “Hey, you two. The guys are waiting outside.” We pulled away from each other, turning to see Mrs. Madden smiling at us. “Okay mom, we’ll see you later tonight okay?” She nodded and went to hug Joel once more. Then she hugged me. We headed out to the SUV to meet up with the others. Billy was sitting on the hood. “Ready to go? We gotta get to sound check for the show tonight.” I twirled the keys in my hands. “Let’s go boys.”
"Asleep at the wheel 40 miles left to go
rollin' in on fumes to rock the show"
- MxPx
*~~***~~*
I woke up to what sounded like an entire building being demolished next to my ear. “What the hell?” I rolled out of bed and ran for the bus door. The building next to us had suddenly burst into flames. Holy shit. “Joel! Billy! Paul! Chris!” I ran back towards the bunks screaming at the top of my lungs. “Wake up, goddamnit! The hotel just went up in smoke! Wake up!” I pulled back the curtains on Billy and Paul’s bunks. Who gave a damn if they were decent, this was an emergency. Billy squinted into the light, “What the…” I didn’t let him finish, I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him over to the door. “Hello? Hotel in flames here! Let’s get a move on!! Wake Chris up, I’ll get Joel.” Paul emerged from the back lounge, wavering on his feet, trying to make sense of what was going on. Billy grabbed him and started explaining as I rushed to my bunk to wake Joel.
“Joel, get up, now! The hotel’s on…” I trailed off. Joel wasn’t in my bunk. I rushed over to his bunk, pulling the curtain back. No Joel. Oh god no. Please no. I went rushing for the front of the bus. “I can’t find Joel. Have you seen him?” They all shook their heads, and then leaped into action, checking every corner of the bus trying to find him. Please God, don’t let this be happening. Let him be fine. Let him be here. Don’t do this to me. The words chanted themselves over and over in my head. I heard a muffled snort from above me. It came from Benji’s old bunk. I rushed for the ladder, climbing up it in about two steps and throwing the curtain back. “Joel! Oh my god, you scared the crap out of me! Don’t ever, ever do that again! Why weren’t you in our bunk you dumbass?” He was still half asleep and looking at me like I’d just gone totally nuts on him, which I kind of had. I threw my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He hugged me back and then just gave me a questioning look. “Oh, yeah. By the way, while you were sleeping, the hotel caught on fire! Now get up, we gotta do something!” I stumbled down the ladder, he leaped off it behind me and we were out the door in a few seconds to join the others. We stood there for a second, trying to figure out what to do, before rushing off in different directions. Joel, Billy and me went running towards the hotel, to try and help get people out. Paul had his cell phone out and dialing 911. Chris went to wake up our bus driver.
Suddenly, the entire hotel exploded. And I mean exploded. It seemed to happen in slow motion. Billy saw it coming first, and yelled. “Go back! Go back! Get down!” Joel grabbed my arm and yanked me back towards the bus. I grabbed Billy with my other arm, pulling him after me. The three of us hit the ground somewhere behind the bus, rolling to a stop. The boom that came from the hotel was deafening. Paul and Chris hit the ground next to us, covering their heads. Joel and Billy threw themselves on top of me, and I found myself covering their faces with my hands. God, no, don’t let this be happening. Pieces of hotel and random shit started falling down all around us. Joel tightened his grip around me. The world turned black as night. I closed my eyes and prayed.
When it was over, we all got up to survey the damage. The bus driver had woken up when he heard the explosion, and luckily the bus hadn’t been damaged. Joel helped me up and we went to make sure everyone was alright. Chris had been hit with a piece of flying something and had a cut on his shoulder, but other than that we were all okay. Paul went to get the first aid kit to bandage Chris’ shoulder. We didn’t know what to do really. Should we stay, and wait for authorities to get there? Or just leave? We decided to stay. Paul had already called 911, and about 5 minutes later the fire trucks and ambulances showed up. They put out the fire and then a bunch of investigators were sent in to determine what had happened. They let us get back on the bus, but held us there until the cause was determined. They were afraid whoever had done this to the hotel was after us.
A few hours later, a policewoman came onto the bus and told us the grim news. “Well, we’ve determined the cause of the explosion was a bomb detonated from inside the basement of the hotel. It was a two part bomb, which is why you saw two explosions. We’ve found enough evidence to link it to a felon. We believe he is after you. Now, don’t panic. We’re sure nothing more should happen. We’ve got the whole country on alert to find this guy. And we’re giving you an armed escort to your concert tomorrow night. You guys are gonna be safe as you can be.” The whole time she was speaking, I was clutching Joel so tight I was surprised he hadn’t lost circulation to his arm. I realized it and loosened my grip. We were all freaked out. The police officer told us we were free to leave, and that there were police cars that would be following us. The bus driver started up the bus.
None of us had moved. I let my head fall down to Joel’s shoulder. “Why us? Why is everything happening to us? Do you hate me God?” I looked over at Joel with morbid fascination, “Why would God hate you? Did you do something to piss this guy off? It’s not your fault.” He sighed and laid his head on top of mine. “I guess not, but it sure feels like it.” I rubbed my thumb over the palm of his hand, “Relax. We’ve got an escort. We’re going to be okay.” Billy looked up from where he had his head in his hands. “Going to be okay? Going to be okay? Katie, some madman just blew up the hotel whose parking lot we were in! We are not okay!” Paul looked over at him like he’d just sprouted another head. We weren’t used to Billy acting this way. “I say…we’ve only got one life to live…and we should live it to the fullest. Even if some madman is after us.” I turned to look at Chris, who had been silent until now. He grinned at me and I looped an arm around his shoulders. “Exactly. I’m not afraid of death. It’d be a cake walk next to the shit we’ve all been through. Accept your mortality and let’s just live it up! Come on, what are we gonna do, sit around and obsess? Bite our nails and get really paranoid? Okay, either the guy kills us or he doesn’t. And by the looks of that escort, I’m thinking he doesn’t have much of a chance. Lighten up.”
Billy looked at me, and I don’t think I have ever seen such a look. It was full of hatred and anger, and I got the feeling that he could see right through me, down to my very soul. I was shaken by that look. I found myself shivering. “I know you’re scared Katie. Admit it. Don’t give me that ‘let’s live life to the fullest’ crap. You’re as scared as I am.” I let my arm drop from around Chris’ shoulder. “Of course I’m scared! But just being scared all the time is not going to help us! Would it have helped me to just be scared when my dad started hitting me? Should I have just stood there, quaking, and accepted it? Bullshit! I ran away the first chance I got. You know that, you were there when it all happened. Halfway through senior year. And you guys helped me through. And, yeah, I was scared to go to the police. And I was scared to tell them what was going on. I was scared to death. How easy would it have been for my dad to track me down and hurt me more? How easy? But if I never told, he wouldn’t be behind bars right now, and he might have done worse to me. Would it have better if I was just scared and let him kill me Billy?”
The gleam in his eyes was gone. There was a look of fear there that I knew was in my eyes as well. “I don’t wanna fight with you anymore. I know we need to just calm down and shit but I’m scared. I’m terrified. I don’t want to lose anyone else.” I got up and went to where he was sitting, kneeling at his feet. “I know. We all know. More than anyone else, we know. We’ve all lost someone. Some of us have lost more than others. But we all keep going. You know why? Because life is worth it. And if it comes down to it, I’ll protect you Billy. I’ll put my own life on the line, for any of you. I would gladly sacrifice myself for you guys.” He reached out and drew me into a gentle embrace. I hugged him back. When we pulled away, he smiled at me. “Well, how about some video games then?” I punched him in the shoulder, “is that all you think about?” He waggled his eyebrows at me, “it’s not all I think about.” He looked me up and down slowly, and I grabbed a pillow off the nearest bed and chased him up and down the aisle of the tour bus, whacking him repeatedly with it.
*~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~**~~***~~*
"Here I go, scream my lungs out
and try to get to you.
You are my only one.
I let go, there's just no one
that gets me like you do.
You are my only, my only one"
- Yellowcard
*~~***~~*
We were on the bus all night and early into the morning. When we pulled into our first stop on the new tour, Waldorf, I was sleeping in my bunk with my arms curled around Joel. “Hey, get up, we’re home!” I stirred at the sound of Paul’s voice, but the meaning didn’t sink in. A few seconds later, I realized it. I nudged Joel, “we’re home! We’re finally home!” He smiled and gave me a quick kiss. “Well? Let’s get a move on sleepyhead!” He scowled at me and rolled out of the bunk. I was up in a flash, grabbing clothing and yanking my pajamas off, regardless of who might see me. I was in just my underwear and bra when Billy threw the curtain back on his bunk. “Whoa, I could get used to seeing that every time I wake up. Joel! You lucky bastard!” I smirked and shoved him back into the bunk, pulling on my jeans and shirt quickly. I rushed to the front of the bus to grab my Chucks and plunked down on a chair to pull them on. Paul was jumping up and down with excitement in the doorway of the bus. “Come on, come on come on! Let’s go, let’s go!” He turned to go out the bus door and I jumped on his back. “Yeah Paul let’s go, let’s go! I want a piggyback ride!” He stumbled down the steps and started running around in circles, bouncing me up and down on his back. “Are you two done? Cuz we really want to go say hi to everybody, you know.” I slid off Paul’s back, “Jealous, Chris?” I went right up to him and stood about two inches from his nose. He just looked at me and then blew air in my face. “We all are,” he looked straight at Joel, “you’re a lucky man”. Joel grinned, “I am, aren’t I?”
He let his eyes stray down the length of me and then back up. I sashayed over to him and put my hands on his hips. “You better believe it.” The smile disappeared from his face, and he leaned in, pressing his lips to mine and wrapping his arms around my waist. He deepened it, prying my lips open with his tongue. I moaned his name against his lips and his hand came up to cup my breast before he released me. “Damn. You are lucky.” We turned around and realized the rest of the guys were watching us. “Okay, let’s go and see everybody!” We headed to the rental car that was waiting, a nice SUV big enough for all of us. “I wanna drive! I wanna drive!” I went running for the driver’s side, pulling the door open and hopping in. Joel got in the passenger seat and threw me the keys while Billy, Paul and Chris got in the backseat. “Watch out, Katie’s driving! Get off the road!” I shot Billy a dirty look, “I’ll get you. You better watch out.” He waggled his eyebrows at me but was quiet.
I drove us down towards the neighborhood where our families still lived. I parked the car in the driveway of Mrs. Madden’s house. Joel leaped out of the car and went running for the front door. “MOM!! We’re home!! MOM!!” The door flew open and Robin stepped out to meet her son. It was a touching moment, but he almost bowled her over. We laughed and decided to split up so we could say hi to everyone at once. Billy and Paul got out, heading for their respective houses. Chris went with Billy, since his family lived in Utah. I turned the car off and got out. “Katie! Oh my gosh it’s so nice to see you. It’s been so long.” I was enfolded in Robin’s arms. “Hi mom. How are you?” I had spent the last half of senior year living with the Maddens, but even before then I had been a permanent fixture at the house, so she had always told me to call her mom. We headed inside. Joel went into the kitchen with his mom to get drinks.
I stood and looked at the pictures on the mantelpiece. There was one of the twins as babies, with Josh holding them. There was another one, taken shortly after I had met the twins, when we were all in 8th grade. I was sitting in the middle of the two of them, and they both had their arms around me and their heads on my shoulder. My god, we were all so young back then. There was another one, taken after Benji and I had finally confessed our love for each other. I was sitting on his lap with my arms around his neck, and though I was staring at the camera, he was looking at me. I smiled at that one. That was sophomore year, the beginning of it. Gosh it seemed so long ago. There was a very recent picture, taken when we’d been back home for a while, before the accident. It was of Benji and Joel, sitting on the couch. I was sitting on both their laps, in the middle, with my arms around them. They were both kissing my cheeks, and I was laughing. That one made me tear up a bit.
“That’s one of my favorites too.” I whirled around and found Joel watching me. “Hey. I kinda got caught up in remembering all those times.” He walked over to stand next to me. “I remember this one,” he pointed at a picture, from when we’d gone to visit Islands of Adventure a couple of years ago. It was taken of us on the Jurassic Park water ride. I was sitting in between them, and we all had looks of mock horror on our faces, as if the T-rex had actually scared us. Benji had thrown an arm around me, and Joel had his arms up in the air. I had a look on my face that was between horror and sheer glee. I remembered that day. It was one of the best. “I remember that. And I remember the Cat in the Hat ride too. That was really fun.” I laughed at his comment, remembering.
“Hey, let’s go on this one! I love the Cat in the Hat!” Benji gave me a puppy-dog pout, but I pretended like it wasn’t working on me. Finally I gave in, because Joel joined in with his own puppy face. We got in line and finally it was our turn. We smushed ourselves into the front seat of the car, though it was made for two people. We never listened to anyone. I smiled; here I was in between the two again. Never a bad thing. The ride started going and I was surprised to find myself enjoying it. Maybe because every time the ride turned, I ended up falling on top of either Benj or Joel. “I hope you two are having fun Cuz this is making me dizzy.” They laughed at me. “If you keep falling on us, I’m sure we'll be just fine "I attempted to punch Joel in the arm, missed, and fell across his lap. “Oh yeah baby. Don’t move.”
I looked up at him and reached up, pulling his face down to mine, like I was going to kiss him. Instead, I let my lips get very close to his, and then pulled away laughing. “Tease.” I gave him a shocked look as I tried to keep myself from falling again. “No, I’m just dating your brother. Who’s sitting on the other side of me.” He looked over like he hadn’t known that. “So if he wasn’t here…” I glanced at Benj, who was watching, interested. “Then I would definitely do you, right here, right now.” Joel’s eyes widened. “Really?” I was giggling. I stopped when I saw the look on Benji’s face. “Yeah. But don’t look so sad Benji, if Joel wasn’t here, I would do you right now.” He smiled broadly and kissed me quickly. The ride turned again and I fell across Benji’s lap. “Wow this ride is fun. Don’t you agree, Joel?” I poked Benji in the stomach, and then felt arms around me from the other side. Joel had his hands moving up towards my breasts. Benji, on the other side, was kissing me deeply. I was surprised to find myself liking this. It was probably wrong, but who cared. I kissed Benji, moaning against his lips. Joel was practically humping me from behind, his arms tight around me. I didn’t even try to resist, I just let them do what they wanted. It felt so good. Suddenly, the ride came to a stop. It was over. I broke the kiss, and wriggled out of Joel’s grasp. “Dammit. So close.” I pushed Joel out of the car, “in your dreams, stud.” I took both Joel and Benji’s hands in mine and skipped between them as we headed back outside.
“Yeah. That was a fun ride.” Joel wrapped his arms around me from behind. I turned my head and pressed my lips to his. “Hey, you two. The guys are waiting outside.” We pulled away from each other, turning to see Mrs. Madden smiling at us. “Okay mom, we’ll see you later tonight okay?” She nodded and went to hug Joel once more. Then she hugged me. We headed out to the SUV to meet up with the others. Billy was sitting on the hood. “Ready to go? We gotta get to sound check for the show tonight.” I twirled the keys in my hands. “Let’s go boys.”
Monday, January 31, 2005
Chapter 7
Chapter 7
"And i know i'm buried too far down
To feel the warmth from the sun again"
- Story of the Year
*~~***~~*
It’s funny how easily memories can overtake me when I’m dreaming. I had constantly pushed them away from me as much as possible, so I wouldn’t hurt so much anymore. But there was no resistance that night as I slept, and the memories that hurt the most came rushing up at me. I remembered back to a time when Benj had saved my life. It had been back when we were a lot younger, our senior year of high school. We’d professed our love for each other the year before and been inseparable ever since. The school year had been going okay. We were all so psyched about graduating and getting out of Waldorf, finally. Then my sister was kidnapped.
Annabelle was my best friend. She was two years younger than me, and it was amazing how alike we were. She looked just like me, so no one ever had to ask whether we were related or not. She hung out with me, Benj, Paul, Joel and Billy all the time. In fact, she had even dated Billy at one point in time. She was kidnapped on a Monday. She was outside listening to music and singing along. I kept an ear out, making sure she was alright as I vacuumed the front hallway. So the muffled scream reached my ears easily. “Anna!” My heart raced with fear as I jumped over the stairs and sped down to the end of the walkway. A man, dressed all in black and wearing a ski mask was holding a gun to Anna’s head. “Katie! Help!” She had tears running down her face, and she stretched her arms out, pleading. The man turned the gun towards me, “Get back!” I realized there was only one man, and I hoped I could somehow save Anna. I tried my best to distract him, “Okay, can we discuss this rationally? Tell me what you want from us.” Anna backed off slowly while the man was focused on me. She turned and ran for it, around the back of the house. The man cursed, “I can see you’re going to make this difficult. Can’t just keep your mouth shut and mind your business, can you?” I backed off, then when he lowered the gun, I kicked at his hand, sending the gun flying. He recovered way too quickly, punching me in the side of the head. Then the world went black.
When I came to hours later, I was laying in my own bed, an ice pack on my head and Benji lying next to me. “Hey there sweetie. How ya feelin’?” I sat up and grimaced when my head swam. Benji reached out and steadied me, pulling me back down next to him. I had remembered. “Benj, where’s Anna? Is she safe? What happened?” He ran his hand slowly through his hair. “Baby, he got away. He took Anna. But they have people everywhere searching for her.” I blinked back tears. “No…no! Not Anna! Why couldn’t I save her?” I sobbed into Benji’s t-shirt. He held me as my heart broke for the first time, but not the last. The whole week went by in a blur. I stayed home from school, and Benj skipped school that whole week so he could “watch over me” as he put it. He didn’t want me trying to hurt myself. We talked all day long. About life, and love. About Anna, school, anything that came into our heads. I fell asleep every night with Benji’s arms around me and woke up to his peaceful sleeping face. I was pure bliss. Then my world came crashing down around me.
Friday, the police showed up at my door. They’d found Anna’s body in the trunk of the kidnapper’s car. Her kidnapper was nowhere in sight. The scratches on her suggested she definitely hadn’t gone without a fight. Still, I was inconsolable. I burst into fresh tears, feeling Benji’s arms go around me. I looked up at him, and realized he was crying too. Anna had been a part of his life as well. After the cops left, I locked myself in the bathroom to take a shower. I pulled my razor blade out of the medicine cabinet and climbed into the shower. I drew lines across my upper thighs, where no one would see them. I let the blood wash off in the warm water of the shower, stinging my fresh cuts. I finished washing off in the shower and popped out, drying myself off. I jumped when I saw Benji leaning in the doorway. “How long have you been standing there?” I questioned. “Long enough to watch you get all soapy and wet, and then towel off,” I giggled and punched him in the arm, “You are a sick, sick boy, Benj.” I pressed a kiss against his nose ring, and pushed past him to my room to get dressed.
My sister’s funeral was the next day. I made sure my dress was long enough to cover my cuts. Benj even wore a suit. It was all too much for me to bear, even with Benji by my side. The tears came unbidden. I had to leave in the middle of the funeral. I got back to my house, and I just felt so empty. My sister, my best friend, was gone. I felt a part of my withering away without her. I knew what I had to do. I wrote the letter quickly, signed it, and headed into the bathroom before I could chicken out. I took the razorblades and began my task. I drew the blade across my wrists slowly, watching the blood pump out of me with each heartbeat. The blade slipped out of my grasp and I crumpled to the ground. I heard Benji yell out my name and felt him pick me up, before I lost consciousness.
I woke up with my wrists bandaged, hooked up to IVs and blood transfusion machines. Benj noticed I was awake and rushed to my side. “You’re awake. Thank god. You scared me so much baby.” I smiled weakly. “I’m sorry.” He sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “I know what you’re going through. Dad left just a year ago, and I still feel the pain. So does Joel. We just handle things differently. I drink to numb the pain. You cut. Joel writes. Me and you, we need to change. It isn’t healthy, the way we deal. We need to be more like Joel. That’s what I’ve been trying to do lately, write, and just let it all out. So, I wrote you a song.” He picked up his guitar and sat down in the chair to play. I was rather surprised by this, “You wrote me a song?” He nodded, and began picking out the chords on his guitar. I watched him as he began to sing.
“This world, this world is cold. But you don’t, you don’t have to go. You’re feeling sad, you’re feeling lonely, and no one seems to care. Your mother’s gone and your father hits you, this pain you cannot bear.” Tears sprang to my eyes, and I smiled despite them. He knew me so well. “But we all bleed the same way as you do, and we all have the same things to go through…Hold on, if you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know. Your days, you say they’re way too long. And your nights, you can’t sleep at all…hold on.” I wiped my cheek. “And you’re not sure what you’re looking for, but you don’t want to no more. And you’re not sure what you’re waiting for, but you don’t want to no more. But we all bleed the same way as you do, and we all have the same things to go through. Hold on, if you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know. Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer, don’t stop searching, it’s not over. Hold on.” I sighed and closed my eyes. What had I done? “What are you looking for? What are you waiting for? Do you know what you’re doing to me? Go ahead…what are you waiting for? Hold on, if you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know. Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer, don’t stop searching, it’s not over. Hold on.” When he had finished, he put the guitar down and I threw my arms around him. “Oh Benj, that song was beautiful. I’m so sorry. So sorry. I don’t want to hurt you anymore; I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I love you. I need to stay living. I’m gonna hold on Benj.” He held me and let me know he understood. “I’m glad to hear you say that.”
Benj never wanted to record that song. He said it was a private song, meant just for me. But after the success of their first album, the boys finally convinced him to let them record the song for their second CD. So many kids had written letters to them, telling them how Good Charlotte’s music had saved their lives. They wanted to show the kids they were there for them, and help anyone contemplating suicide. So Benj relented and “Hold On” was recorded on The Young and the Hopeless CD, and it sparked an outpouring of even more letters. Good Charlotte was these kids’ motivation for living. Mine was Benji.
I felt the memory dissolve, leaving me with nothing but traces of what had been. I realized I was crying, but I didn’t want anyone else to realize it. I didn’t want comfort right now; I just wanted to deal with my emotions on my own. I got up slowly, sliding out from under Joel’s arm and walking silently to the back of the bus. I collapsed on the couch with my legs curled under me. I just sat there in the darkness and let my thoughts crash against each other like waves in the sea. I didn’t realize he was standing there until he cleared his throat. I looked up. “Hey Paul. You couldn’t sleep either?” He shook his head slowly and sat down next to me, “I was thinking.” I studied him in the dark, “Well that’s a very dangerous thing to do. Be careful or you’ll hurt yourself.” He laughed and then composed himself, “No, seriously, I was thinking. About the future of our band.” I rested my chin in my hand and motioned for him to continue. “I just don’t know if I can go on without Benji. I know we have been, going on those shows and other things, singing here and there. But can we ever really be what we once were? I was listening to our last CD and I just started crying when I heard Wounded. I can’t do this.” I reached out and put my arm around him, “I understand what you’re going through Paul, we all do. We’ve all lost someone we dearly care about. You know how deeply I loved Benj. And what about Joel? He lost his twin. Not just his friend, his own life and blood. But we’re dealing, and we’re all gonna be fine.” He sagged against my shoulder, “I know. But it’s hard.” I ran my hand through his hair, “It’s okay, we’re here for you. You can talk to me whenever you want to.” I looked down and realized he had fallen asleep while I was talking. I smiled to myself and rested my head on top of his, letting myself go back to sleep.
"And i know i'm buried too far down
To feel the warmth from the sun again"
- Story of the Year
*~~***~~*
It’s funny how easily memories can overtake me when I’m dreaming. I had constantly pushed them away from me as much as possible, so I wouldn’t hurt so much anymore. But there was no resistance that night as I slept, and the memories that hurt the most came rushing up at me. I remembered back to a time when Benj had saved my life. It had been back when we were a lot younger, our senior year of high school. We’d professed our love for each other the year before and been inseparable ever since. The school year had been going okay. We were all so psyched about graduating and getting out of Waldorf, finally. Then my sister was kidnapped.
Annabelle was my best friend. She was two years younger than me, and it was amazing how alike we were. She looked just like me, so no one ever had to ask whether we were related or not. She hung out with me, Benj, Paul, Joel and Billy all the time. In fact, she had even dated Billy at one point in time. She was kidnapped on a Monday. She was outside listening to music and singing along. I kept an ear out, making sure she was alright as I vacuumed the front hallway. So the muffled scream reached my ears easily. “Anna!” My heart raced with fear as I jumped over the stairs and sped down to the end of the walkway. A man, dressed all in black and wearing a ski mask was holding a gun to Anna’s head. “Katie! Help!” She had tears running down her face, and she stretched her arms out, pleading. The man turned the gun towards me, “Get back!” I realized there was only one man, and I hoped I could somehow save Anna. I tried my best to distract him, “Okay, can we discuss this rationally? Tell me what you want from us.” Anna backed off slowly while the man was focused on me. She turned and ran for it, around the back of the house. The man cursed, “I can see you’re going to make this difficult. Can’t just keep your mouth shut and mind your business, can you?” I backed off, then when he lowered the gun, I kicked at his hand, sending the gun flying. He recovered way too quickly, punching me in the side of the head. Then the world went black.
When I came to hours later, I was laying in my own bed, an ice pack on my head and Benji lying next to me. “Hey there sweetie. How ya feelin’?” I sat up and grimaced when my head swam. Benji reached out and steadied me, pulling me back down next to him. I had remembered. “Benj, where’s Anna? Is she safe? What happened?” He ran his hand slowly through his hair. “Baby, he got away. He took Anna. But they have people everywhere searching for her.” I blinked back tears. “No…no! Not Anna! Why couldn’t I save her?” I sobbed into Benji’s t-shirt. He held me as my heart broke for the first time, but not the last. The whole week went by in a blur. I stayed home from school, and Benj skipped school that whole week so he could “watch over me” as he put it. He didn’t want me trying to hurt myself. We talked all day long. About life, and love. About Anna, school, anything that came into our heads. I fell asleep every night with Benji’s arms around me and woke up to his peaceful sleeping face. I was pure bliss. Then my world came crashing down around me.
Friday, the police showed up at my door. They’d found Anna’s body in the trunk of the kidnapper’s car. Her kidnapper was nowhere in sight. The scratches on her suggested she definitely hadn’t gone without a fight. Still, I was inconsolable. I burst into fresh tears, feeling Benji’s arms go around me. I looked up at him, and realized he was crying too. Anna had been a part of his life as well. After the cops left, I locked myself in the bathroom to take a shower. I pulled my razor blade out of the medicine cabinet and climbed into the shower. I drew lines across my upper thighs, where no one would see them. I let the blood wash off in the warm water of the shower, stinging my fresh cuts. I finished washing off in the shower and popped out, drying myself off. I jumped when I saw Benji leaning in the doorway. “How long have you been standing there?” I questioned. “Long enough to watch you get all soapy and wet, and then towel off,” I giggled and punched him in the arm, “You are a sick, sick boy, Benj.” I pressed a kiss against his nose ring, and pushed past him to my room to get dressed.
My sister’s funeral was the next day. I made sure my dress was long enough to cover my cuts. Benj even wore a suit. It was all too much for me to bear, even with Benji by my side. The tears came unbidden. I had to leave in the middle of the funeral. I got back to my house, and I just felt so empty. My sister, my best friend, was gone. I felt a part of my withering away without her. I knew what I had to do. I wrote the letter quickly, signed it, and headed into the bathroom before I could chicken out. I took the razorblades and began my task. I drew the blade across my wrists slowly, watching the blood pump out of me with each heartbeat. The blade slipped out of my grasp and I crumpled to the ground. I heard Benji yell out my name and felt him pick me up, before I lost consciousness.
I woke up with my wrists bandaged, hooked up to IVs and blood transfusion machines. Benj noticed I was awake and rushed to my side. “You’re awake. Thank god. You scared me so much baby.” I smiled weakly. “I’m sorry.” He sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “I know what you’re going through. Dad left just a year ago, and I still feel the pain. So does Joel. We just handle things differently. I drink to numb the pain. You cut. Joel writes. Me and you, we need to change. It isn’t healthy, the way we deal. We need to be more like Joel. That’s what I’ve been trying to do lately, write, and just let it all out. So, I wrote you a song.” He picked up his guitar and sat down in the chair to play. I was rather surprised by this, “You wrote me a song?” He nodded, and began picking out the chords on his guitar. I watched him as he began to sing.
“This world, this world is cold. But you don’t, you don’t have to go. You’re feeling sad, you’re feeling lonely, and no one seems to care. Your mother’s gone and your father hits you, this pain you cannot bear.” Tears sprang to my eyes, and I smiled despite them. He knew me so well. “But we all bleed the same way as you do, and we all have the same things to go through…Hold on, if you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know. Your days, you say they’re way too long. And your nights, you can’t sleep at all…hold on.” I wiped my cheek. “And you’re not sure what you’re looking for, but you don’t want to no more. And you’re not sure what you’re waiting for, but you don’t want to no more. But we all bleed the same way as you do, and we all have the same things to go through. Hold on, if you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know. Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer, don’t stop searching, it’s not over. Hold on.” I sighed and closed my eyes. What had I done? “What are you looking for? What are you waiting for? Do you know what you’re doing to me? Go ahead…what are you waiting for? Hold on, if you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know. Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer, don’t stop searching, it’s not over. Hold on.” When he had finished, he put the guitar down and I threw my arms around him. “Oh Benj, that song was beautiful. I’m so sorry. So sorry. I don’t want to hurt you anymore; I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I love you. I need to stay living. I’m gonna hold on Benj.” He held me and let me know he understood. “I’m glad to hear you say that.”
Benj never wanted to record that song. He said it was a private song, meant just for me. But after the success of their first album, the boys finally convinced him to let them record the song for their second CD. So many kids had written letters to them, telling them how Good Charlotte’s music had saved their lives. They wanted to show the kids they were there for them, and help anyone contemplating suicide. So Benj relented and “Hold On” was recorded on The Young and the Hopeless CD, and it sparked an outpouring of even more letters. Good Charlotte was these kids’ motivation for living. Mine was Benji.
I felt the memory dissolve, leaving me with nothing but traces of what had been. I realized I was crying, but I didn’t want anyone else to realize it. I didn’t want comfort right now; I just wanted to deal with my emotions on my own. I got up slowly, sliding out from under Joel’s arm and walking silently to the back of the bus. I collapsed on the couch with my legs curled under me. I just sat there in the darkness and let my thoughts crash against each other like waves in the sea. I didn’t realize he was standing there until he cleared his throat. I looked up. “Hey Paul. You couldn’t sleep either?” He shook his head slowly and sat down next to me, “I was thinking.” I studied him in the dark, “Well that’s a very dangerous thing to do. Be careful or you’ll hurt yourself.” He laughed and then composed himself, “No, seriously, I was thinking. About the future of our band.” I rested my chin in my hand and motioned for him to continue. “I just don’t know if I can go on without Benji. I know we have been, going on those shows and other things, singing here and there. But can we ever really be what we once were? I was listening to our last CD and I just started crying when I heard Wounded. I can’t do this.” I reached out and put my arm around him, “I understand what you’re going through Paul, we all do. We’ve all lost someone we dearly care about. You know how deeply I loved Benj. And what about Joel? He lost his twin. Not just his friend, his own life and blood. But we’re dealing, and we’re all gonna be fine.” He sagged against my shoulder, “I know. But it’s hard.” I ran my hand through his hair, “It’s okay, we’re here for you. You can talk to me whenever you want to.” I looked down and realized he had fallen asleep while I was talking. I smiled to myself and rested my head on top of his, letting myself go back to sleep.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Chapter 6
Chapter 6
"Everytime I see your face,
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place,
And everything feels right"
- Simple Plan
*~~***~~*
I just needed some time by myself, time to think things out and figure where my life was going. So when the bus stopped for the night, I told the guys I’d be back in a few minutes, grabbed my hoodie, and stepped out into the chilly night. I sat on a bench a little ways away from the bus, and watched as Joel peered anxiously out the window, trying to make sure I was okay. He couldn’t see me in the dark, and I knew he was worried. Billy pulled him away from the window and I knew he had roped him into playing some video game. I sat there with my head in my hands, trying to get a hold of myself and my situation. It had been half a year since Benji’s death, and I had just confessed my love for Joel. I felt like I was betraying both of them. A part of my heart was buried along with Benj, so I could never give myself completely to Joel. And did I want to? Benji would have wanted me to move on, to find someone who would love me with all his heart, just like he had. But how would he feel about me being with his twin? If he were still alive, well then none of this would have happened. God, I should have been with him that night. What was I thinking? The tears slipped steadily from my eyes. Why? Why was my life destined to fall down around me? Why did everyone I loved disappear from my life? Was I cursed? I was full out sobbing now, and I remembered the day when Benj and I had first proclaimed our love for each other, in a place not unlike this one, on a night not unlike this.
It was cold, so cold. I was snuggled under my comforter, trying to get warm, when I heard the tap of rocks hitting my window. I got out of bed, shivering, and opened the blinds to view Benji sitting on the roof right outside. “Oh my God Benj, don’t do that! You scared the crap out of me!” He laughed, “Come on; let’s go, before someone wakes up.” I opened the window, “Let me get some clothes on, gees, I’m in my pajamas.” He grinned lopsidedly, “It’s not such a bad view.” I slapped him on the shoulder and pulled the blinds down again, leaving the window open, before stepping to the closet and grabbing jeans, a bra, and a hoodie. I yanked my pajamas off and pulled the clothes on as quickly as possible. I heard chuckling, and I turned around. Benji had opened the blinds and was watching me. “Why did I even bother pulling them down? Perv!” He just laughed at me, and grabbed me by the hand, helping me out onto the roof. He scrambled down the drainpipe, and helped me down.
I raced him to the car and jumped into the driver’s seat before he could get there, slamming the door shut and locking the car. “Katie!! Get out!! Come on, aren’t we going somewhere? Let me drive, scooch over!” I pressed my face against the glass and made faces at him, immediately regressing to about 5 years old and giggling hysterically when he gave me a puppy dog pout. “That ain’t gonna work with me, sweetheart, sorry.” He gave me the finger, and I gasped, pretending to be offended. “Now you are definitely not getting this car back. Bye Benj!” I waved playfully from the window, and went to put the car in gear. Then I realized that I didn’t have the keys, Benji did. I sighed and put my head down on the steering wheel, before reaching over to unlock the doors. “I give up, get in, let’s go.” I climbed over into the passenger seat and he hopped in the car, scowling at me. “I’m gonna make you pay for that you know.” I feigned being scared, “Oh no, save me, someone, ah!” He scowled and poked me in the arm, before putting the car in gear and starting the engine. We drove around for about an hour, before Benji found the place he was looking for. It was a dark secluded spot, with nothing but a few old park benches under the shade of towering weeping willow trees. He stopped the car, put it in park and pulled the keys from the ignition before looking over at me. “Well?” I gave him a questioning look, “Where are we?” He gave me a look before climbing out of the car and coming over to open my door and help me from the car. “You’ll see.”
I followed him as he parted the weeping willow’s branches and pulled me down onto one of the park benches. Under the branches, we were completely invisible to anyone on the outside. He draped an arm around my shoulders, and I froze. I had a huge crush on him, and it was no secret to any of my friends. But did he know? I had told Joel and he had sworn he wouldn’t breathe a word of it. And now, being so close to him, I was freaking out. He and Joel were my best friends. It might be weird being with Benj, actually being with him. “What do you think true love is like?” I glanced at him quizzically. It wasn’t a strange question, I just wasn’t expecting it. “I think it’s when you can’t live without that special person. When all you ever think of is them. When you don’t feel whole if they’re not with you. When your heart starts racing just because they’re near you. When you can’t sleep at night because you’re wondering what they’re doing at that exact moment. It’s like that weightless feeling you get when you’re swimming, like your stomach dropping out from under you on a roller coaster. It’s feeling you can just be yourself and screw what the world expects of you, because you know that person cares about you.” He nodded with each word I said and then added his own feelings. “I think I understand what you’re saying. It’s when you can stare into each other’s eyes and never say a single word, when you feel the other even if you’re a thousand miles away, when every time you close your eyes you see them. It’s like the world is a better place just because you know they’re in it.” I smiled at him. “Yeah, it’s exactly like that.” He tightened his arm around my shoulders more. “Then I think I’m truly in love.” I turned to him quickly, my eyes questioning, my heart pounding, hoping that he meant what he said. “Are you sure? How can you tell?” I was so nervous. I wiped my hands on my jeans. “Because I can’t concentrate when you’re near me. Because you make me feel complete. Because you bring out the real me, the me I never show anybody. Because I fall for you all over again every time you take my hand.” I threw my arms around him. “You don’t know how happy I am that you said all that. I love you Benji. I always have. I was too afraid to tell you.” He gazed into my eyes, “I love you too, Katie.” He pressed his lips to mine, and we sealed our love with a kiss.
I realized I had been gone for quite a while. I was shaking my fists at the sky and yelling at God when Billy found me. “I figured you might need someone to talk to, and that you didn’t want Joel to find you right now, so I volunteered to come and get you.” I patted the spot on the bench next to me and he sank down onto it. “So what were you thinking about out here?” I wiped a tear from my cheek. “The night Benj and I declared our love for one another.” He smiled, “I remember that. You guys were so crushing on each other for like a year, and neither of you would say anything. You were both so stubborn. I think it was Joel who finally prodded him into saying something. He knew Benji was going to your house that night and he told him to tell you. And he finally listened.” I chuckled a bit, “Wow he’s sure a helpful guy, isn’t he?” Billy and I burst out laughing. “So what were you really pondering out here?” I bit my lip, “I was thinking how could I be in love with Joel when Banji’s only been gone half a year. I feel guilty, like I’m betraying him or something.” He shook his head, “Nah, he’d want you to be happy. I think he’d be happy you were with Joel. You know, he made Joel promise he would take care of you if anything ever happened to him. That was a long time ago, like before we even graduated high school. He was always worried about you when he wasn’t with you. And I bet he’s still worrying about you. He’s your guardian angel, Kate. He’s always with you.” I smiled at Billy’s logic. Thank God there was one sensible person on our bus. Well, most of the time. “Thanks. Hey, let’s go try that new video game you just got. I bet I can whoop your ass this time.” He grinned as he stood up. “That’s what you think.”
I stood up, stretching slowly, “Hey, race you to the bus!” I took off at a sprint, turning behind me to see him starting to catch up. I laughed and ran faster, reaching the bus a few feet ahead of him. We clambered in, breathing heavily. “Hey! Where have you two been? Sounds like someone was having fun!” Paul laughed uproariously as a hurt look came over Joel’s face. “We raced to the bus, dipstick,” I said as I yanked Paul’s hat down over his eyes and pushed him back into his bunk. I went and plopped down on Joel’s lap. “So don’t look so hurt babe. I had time to sort things out, and I’m good. Now let’s break out the game system. I have an ass-whooping to deliver.” Five rounds later, Billy and I were still going at it. Chris and Paul had fallen asleep, and Joel was lying next to me with his head on my shoulder, watching the game intently. “Come on, just give up! You’re never gonna win!” Billy laughed at me as he maneuvered his controller. “Hey, who won the last 2 rounds? That would be me, sucker!” Then I watched my player crash and burn on the screen, “Alright I give up, I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” I got up off the floor and changed into my pajamas in the bathroom, before climbing into my bunk. I fell asleep alone, listening to Billy and Joel talking in the other room. Later that night, I felt Joel climb into the bunk next to me, placing his arms around me and nuzzling his head into my shoulder before he fell asleep. I sighed and let sleep overtake me once more.
"Everytime I see your face,
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place,
And everything feels right"
- Simple Plan
*~~***~~*
I just needed some time by myself, time to think things out and figure where my life was going. So when the bus stopped for the night, I told the guys I’d be back in a few minutes, grabbed my hoodie, and stepped out into the chilly night. I sat on a bench a little ways away from the bus, and watched as Joel peered anxiously out the window, trying to make sure I was okay. He couldn’t see me in the dark, and I knew he was worried. Billy pulled him away from the window and I knew he had roped him into playing some video game. I sat there with my head in my hands, trying to get a hold of myself and my situation. It had been half a year since Benji’s death, and I had just confessed my love for Joel. I felt like I was betraying both of them. A part of my heart was buried along with Benj, so I could never give myself completely to Joel. And did I want to? Benji would have wanted me to move on, to find someone who would love me with all his heart, just like he had. But how would he feel about me being with his twin? If he were still alive, well then none of this would have happened. God, I should have been with him that night. What was I thinking? The tears slipped steadily from my eyes. Why? Why was my life destined to fall down around me? Why did everyone I loved disappear from my life? Was I cursed? I was full out sobbing now, and I remembered the day when Benj and I had first proclaimed our love for each other, in a place not unlike this one, on a night not unlike this.
It was cold, so cold. I was snuggled under my comforter, trying to get warm, when I heard the tap of rocks hitting my window. I got out of bed, shivering, and opened the blinds to view Benji sitting on the roof right outside. “Oh my God Benj, don’t do that! You scared the crap out of me!” He laughed, “Come on; let’s go, before someone wakes up.” I opened the window, “Let me get some clothes on, gees, I’m in my pajamas.” He grinned lopsidedly, “It’s not such a bad view.” I slapped him on the shoulder and pulled the blinds down again, leaving the window open, before stepping to the closet and grabbing jeans, a bra, and a hoodie. I yanked my pajamas off and pulled the clothes on as quickly as possible. I heard chuckling, and I turned around. Benji had opened the blinds and was watching me. “Why did I even bother pulling them down? Perv!” He just laughed at me, and grabbed me by the hand, helping me out onto the roof. He scrambled down the drainpipe, and helped me down.
I raced him to the car and jumped into the driver’s seat before he could get there, slamming the door shut and locking the car. “Katie!! Get out!! Come on, aren’t we going somewhere? Let me drive, scooch over!” I pressed my face against the glass and made faces at him, immediately regressing to about 5 years old and giggling hysterically when he gave me a puppy dog pout. “That ain’t gonna work with me, sweetheart, sorry.” He gave me the finger, and I gasped, pretending to be offended. “Now you are definitely not getting this car back. Bye Benj!” I waved playfully from the window, and went to put the car in gear. Then I realized that I didn’t have the keys, Benji did. I sighed and put my head down on the steering wheel, before reaching over to unlock the doors. “I give up, get in, let’s go.” I climbed over into the passenger seat and he hopped in the car, scowling at me. “I’m gonna make you pay for that you know.” I feigned being scared, “Oh no, save me, someone, ah!” He scowled and poked me in the arm, before putting the car in gear and starting the engine. We drove around for about an hour, before Benji found the place he was looking for. It was a dark secluded spot, with nothing but a few old park benches under the shade of towering weeping willow trees. He stopped the car, put it in park and pulled the keys from the ignition before looking over at me. “Well?” I gave him a questioning look, “Where are we?” He gave me a look before climbing out of the car and coming over to open my door and help me from the car. “You’ll see.”
I followed him as he parted the weeping willow’s branches and pulled me down onto one of the park benches. Under the branches, we were completely invisible to anyone on the outside. He draped an arm around my shoulders, and I froze. I had a huge crush on him, and it was no secret to any of my friends. But did he know? I had told Joel and he had sworn he wouldn’t breathe a word of it. And now, being so close to him, I was freaking out. He and Joel were my best friends. It might be weird being with Benj, actually being with him. “What do you think true love is like?” I glanced at him quizzically. It wasn’t a strange question, I just wasn’t expecting it. “I think it’s when you can’t live without that special person. When all you ever think of is them. When you don’t feel whole if they’re not with you. When your heart starts racing just because they’re near you. When you can’t sleep at night because you’re wondering what they’re doing at that exact moment. It’s like that weightless feeling you get when you’re swimming, like your stomach dropping out from under you on a roller coaster. It’s feeling you can just be yourself and screw what the world expects of you, because you know that person cares about you.” He nodded with each word I said and then added his own feelings. “I think I understand what you’re saying. It’s when you can stare into each other’s eyes and never say a single word, when you feel the other even if you’re a thousand miles away, when every time you close your eyes you see them. It’s like the world is a better place just because you know they’re in it.” I smiled at him. “Yeah, it’s exactly like that.” He tightened his arm around my shoulders more. “Then I think I’m truly in love.” I turned to him quickly, my eyes questioning, my heart pounding, hoping that he meant what he said. “Are you sure? How can you tell?” I was so nervous. I wiped my hands on my jeans. “Because I can’t concentrate when you’re near me. Because you make me feel complete. Because you bring out the real me, the me I never show anybody. Because I fall for you all over again every time you take my hand.” I threw my arms around him. “You don’t know how happy I am that you said all that. I love you Benji. I always have. I was too afraid to tell you.” He gazed into my eyes, “I love you too, Katie.” He pressed his lips to mine, and we sealed our love with a kiss.
I realized I had been gone for quite a while. I was shaking my fists at the sky and yelling at God when Billy found me. “I figured you might need someone to talk to, and that you didn’t want Joel to find you right now, so I volunteered to come and get you.” I patted the spot on the bench next to me and he sank down onto it. “So what were you thinking about out here?” I wiped a tear from my cheek. “The night Benj and I declared our love for one another.” He smiled, “I remember that. You guys were so crushing on each other for like a year, and neither of you would say anything. You were both so stubborn. I think it was Joel who finally prodded him into saying something. He knew Benji was going to your house that night and he told him to tell you. And he finally listened.” I chuckled a bit, “Wow he’s sure a helpful guy, isn’t he?” Billy and I burst out laughing. “So what were you really pondering out here?” I bit my lip, “I was thinking how could I be in love with Joel when Banji’s only been gone half a year. I feel guilty, like I’m betraying him or something.” He shook his head, “Nah, he’d want you to be happy. I think he’d be happy you were with Joel. You know, he made Joel promise he would take care of you if anything ever happened to him. That was a long time ago, like before we even graduated high school. He was always worried about you when he wasn’t with you. And I bet he’s still worrying about you. He’s your guardian angel, Kate. He’s always with you.” I smiled at Billy’s logic. Thank God there was one sensible person on our bus. Well, most of the time. “Thanks. Hey, let’s go try that new video game you just got. I bet I can whoop your ass this time.” He grinned as he stood up. “That’s what you think.”
I stood up, stretching slowly, “Hey, race you to the bus!” I took off at a sprint, turning behind me to see him starting to catch up. I laughed and ran faster, reaching the bus a few feet ahead of him. We clambered in, breathing heavily. “Hey! Where have you two been? Sounds like someone was having fun!” Paul laughed uproariously as a hurt look came over Joel’s face. “We raced to the bus, dipstick,” I said as I yanked Paul’s hat down over his eyes and pushed him back into his bunk. I went and plopped down on Joel’s lap. “So don’t look so hurt babe. I had time to sort things out, and I’m good. Now let’s break out the game system. I have an ass-whooping to deliver.” Five rounds later, Billy and I were still going at it. Chris and Paul had fallen asleep, and Joel was lying next to me with his head on my shoulder, watching the game intently. “Come on, just give up! You’re never gonna win!” Billy laughed at me as he maneuvered his controller. “Hey, who won the last 2 rounds? That would be me, sucker!” Then I watched my player crash and burn on the screen, “Alright I give up, I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” I got up off the floor and changed into my pajamas in the bathroom, before climbing into my bunk. I fell asleep alone, listening to Billy and Joel talking in the other room. Later that night, I felt Joel climb into the bunk next to me, placing his arms around me and nuzzling his head into my shoulder before he fell asleep. I sighed and let sleep overtake me once more.
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