Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"And i know i'm buried too far down
To feel the warmth from the sun again"
- Story of the Year
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It’s funny how easily memories can overtake me when I’m dreaming. I had constantly pushed them away from me as much as possible, so I wouldn’t hurt so much anymore. But there was no resistance that night as I slept, and the memories that hurt the most came rushing up at me. I remembered back to a time when Benj had saved my life. It had been back when we were a lot younger, our senior year of high school. We’d professed our love for each other the year before and been inseparable ever since. The school year had been going okay. We were all so psyched about graduating and getting out of Waldorf, finally. Then my sister was kidnapped.

Annabelle was my best friend. She was two years younger than me, and it was amazing how alike we were. She looked just like me, so no one ever had to ask whether we were related or not. She hung out with me, Benj, Paul, Joel and Billy all the time. In fact, she had even dated Billy at one point in time. She was kidnapped on a Monday. She was outside listening to music and singing along. I kept an ear out, making sure she was alright as I vacuumed the front hallway. So the muffled scream reached my ears easily. “Anna!” My heart raced with fear as I jumped over the stairs and sped down to the end of the walkway. A man, dressed all in black and wearing a ski mask was holding a gun to Anna’s head. “Katie! Help!” She had tears running down her face, and she stretched her arms out, pleading. The man turned the gun towards me, “Get back!” I realized there was only one man, and I hoped I could somehow save Anna. I tried my best to distract him, “Okay, can we discuss this rationally? Tell me what you want from us.” Anna backed off slowly while the man was focused on me. She turned and ran for it, around the back of the house. The man cursed, “I can see you’re going to make this difficult. Can’t just keep your mouth shut and mind your business, can you?” I backed off, then when he lowered the gun, I kicked at his hand, sending the gun flying. He recovered way too quickly, punching me in the side of the head. Then the world went black.

When I came to hours later, I was laying in my own bed, an ice pack on my head and Benji lying next to me. “Hey there sweetie. How ya feelin’?” I sat up and grimaced when my head swam. Benji reached out and steadied me, pulling me back down next to him. I had remembered. “Benj, where’s Anna? Is she safe? What happened?” He ran his hand slowly through his hair. “Baby, he got away. He took Anna. But they have people everywhere searching for her.” I blinked back tears. “No…no! Not Anna! Why couldn’t I save her?” I sobbed into Benji’s t-shirt. He held me as my heart broke for the first time, but not the last. The whole week went by in a blur. I stayed home from school, and Benj skipped school that whole week so he could “watch over me” as he put it. He didn’t want me trying to hurt myself. We talked all day long. About life, and love. About Anna, school, anything that came into our heads. I fell asleep every night with Benji’s arms around me and woke up to his peaceful sleeping face. I was pure bliss. Then my world came crashing down around me.

Friday, the police showed up at my door. They’d found Anna’s body in the trunk of the kidnapper’s car. Her kidnapper was nowhere in sight. The scratches on her suggested she definitely hadn’t gone without a fight. Still, I was inconsolable. I burst into fresh tears, feeling Benji’s arms go around me. I looked up at him, and realized he was crying too. Anna had been a part of his life as well. After the cops left, I locked myself in the bathroom to take a shower. I pulled my razor blade out of the medicine cabinet and climbed into the shower. I drew lines across my upper thighs, where no one would see them. I let the blood wash off in the warm water of the shower, stinging my fresh cuts. I finished washing off in the shower and popped out, drying myself off. I jumped when I saw Benji leaning in the doorway. “How long have you been standing there?” I questioned. “Long enough to watch you get all soapy and wet, and then towel off,” I giggled and punched him in the arm, “You are a sick, sick boy, Benj.” I pressed a kiss against his nose ring, and pushed past him to my room to get dressed.

My sister’s funeral was the next day. I made sure my dress was long enough to cover my cuts. Benj even wore a suit. It was all too much for me to bear, even with Benji by my side. The tears came unbidden. I had to leave in the middle of the funeral. I got back to my house, and I just felt so empty. My sister, my best friend, was gone. I felt a part of my withering away without her. I knew what I had to do. I wrote the letter quickly, signed it, and headed into the bathroom before I could chicken out. I took the razorblades and began my task. I drew the blade across my wrists slowly, watching the blood pump out of me with each heartbeat. The blade slipped out of my grasp and I crumpled to the ground. I heard Benji yell out my name and felt him pick me up, before I lost consciousness.

I woke up with my wrists bandaged, hooked up to IVs and blood transfusion machines. Benj noticed I was awake and rushed to my side. “You’re awake. Thank god. You scared me so much baby.” I smiled weakly. “I’m sorry.” He sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “I know what you’re going through. Dad left just a year ago, and I still feel the pain. So does Joel. We just handle things differently. I drink to numb the pain. You cut. Joel writes. Me and you, we need to change. It isn’t healthy, the way we deal. We need to be more like Joel. That’s what I’ve been trying to do lately, write, and just let it all out. So, I wrote you a song.” He picked up his guitar and sat down in the chair to play. I was rather surprised by this, “You wrote me a song?” He nodded, and began picking out the chords on his guitar. I watched him as he began to sing.

“This world, this world is cold. But you don’t, you don’t have to go. You’re feeling sad, you’re feeling lonely, and no one seems to care. Your mother’s gone and your father hits you, this pain you cannot bear.” Tears sprang to my eyes, and I smiled despite them. He knew me so well. “But we all bleed the same way as you do, and we all have the same things to go through…Hold on, if you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know. Your days, you say they’re way too long. And your nights, you can’t sleep at all…hold on.” I wiped my cheek. “And you’re not sure what you’re looking for, but you don’t want to no more. And you’re not sure what you’re waiting for, but you don’t want to no more. But we all bleed the same way as you do, and we all have the same things to go through. Hold on, if you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know. Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer, don’t stop searching, it’s not over. Hold on.” I sighed and closed my eyes. What had I done? “What are you looking for? What are you waiting for? Do you know what you’re doing to me? Go ahead…what are you waiting for? Hold on, if you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know. Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer, don’t stop searching, it’s not over. Hold on.” When he had finished, he put the guitar down and I threw my arms around him. “Oh Benj, that song was beautiful. I’m so sorry. So sorry. I don’t want to hurt you anymore; I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I love you. I need to stay living. I’m gonna hold on Benj.” He held me and let me know he understood. “I’m glad to hear you say that.”

Benj never wanted to record that song. He said it was a private song, meant just for me. But after the success of their first album, the boys finally convinced him to let them record the song for their second CD. So many kids had written letters to them, telling them how Good Charlotte’s music had saved their lives. They wanted to show the kids they were there for them, and help anyone contemplating suicide. So Benj relented and “Hold On” was recorded on The Young and the Hopeless CD, and it sparked an outpouring of even more letters. Good Charlotte was these kids’ motivation for living. Mine was Benji.

I felt the memory dissolve, leaving me with nothing but traces of what had been. I realized I was crying, but I didn’t want anyone else to realize it. I didn’t want comfort right now; I just wanted to deal with my emotions on my own. I got up slowly, sliding out from under Joel’s arm and walking silently to the back of the bus. I collapsed on the couch with my legs curled under me. I just sat there in the darkness and let my thoughts crash against each other like waves in the sea. I didn’t realize he was standing there until he cleared his throat. I looked up. “Hey Paul. You couldn’t sleep either?” He shook his head slowly and sat down next to me, “I was thinking.” I studied him in the dark, “Well that’s a very dangerous thing to do. Be careful or you’ll hurt yourself.” He laughed and then composed himself, “No, seriously, I was thinking. About the future of our band.” I rested my chin in my hand and motioned for him to continue. “I just don’t know if I can go on without Benji. I know we have been, going on those shows and other things, singing here and there. But can we ever really be what we once were? I was listening to our last CD and I just started crying when I heard Wounded. I can’t do this.” I reached out and put my arm around him, “I understand what you’re going through Paul, we all do. We’ve all lost someone we dearly care about. You know how deeply I loved Benj. And what about Joel? He lost his twin. Not just his friend, his own life and blood. But we’re dealing, and we’re all gonna be fine.” He sagged against my shoulder, “I know. But it’s hard.” I ran my hand through his hair, “It’s okay, we’re here for you. You can talk to me whenever you want to.” I looked down and realized he had fallen asleep while I was talking. I smiled to myself and rested my head on top of his, letting myself go back to sleep.